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St. Paul, MN — 50-year-old Dawn Peel was recently booked on charges of attempted murder and assault after allegedly attempting to saw her boyfriend’s head off with a kitchen knife.

According to the boyfriend, Peel had been acting a little “off” for quite some time, going as far as threatening to “seek revenge on him while he slept” (*swoons*) if he ever cheated on her.

On the day of the alleged cutting, Peel had apparently been drinking heavily. The boyfriend told police she had injured herself in a drunken fall and refused medical treatment. At some point that night, he issued an ultimatum: Seek mental help within 24-hours. After preparing dinner for the both of them, he wisely made up a bed in the living room so as not to disturb Sleeping Beauty once she fell into a drunken slumber.

A short time later, the man said, he heard Peel wake up. And after having a bit to eat and feeding the cat, she approached the man’s make-shift bed and gently woke him up.

“Do you love me?” she asked. Twice.

“Yes,” he answered. Twice.

“Look through my eyes,” she said. “This will be the last time you see my eyes.”

She then planted a tender kiss on the man’s forehead, whipped out a kitchen knife and got busy.

“She cut at my neck like she was slaughtering a goat or cow,” the man later told police. “Sawing back and forth with the knife.”

The man was able to push her off and escape the apartment, head still intact.

When police arrived, they found the man in the lobby, bleeding profusely. Turns out Peel had done a pretty good job at hacking the man’s neck… took 23 staples to close the wound.

Peel was found in the couple’s apartment, butt-nekkid, bloody and reeking of alcohol. When confronted about the gaping hole in her boyfriend’s neck, she first claimed that he had been beating her. When police pointed out the absence of injuries to her body, she changed her story and said someone else stabbed the man, an intruder or some shit. When asked why she didn’t call 911, she simply said, “I don’t know.”

Officers then asked Peel how much she’d had to drink that evening. “Not enough” was her reply.

Peel was ordered held on $75,000 bond.

Men, if you’re gonna stick your dick in crazy on a regular basis, sleep with one eye open and use plastic utensils.

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