BELLEVUE - As longtime members of the site are fully aware, I have a certain relationship with furniture and in certain situations, condone fucking inanimate objects. Art Price Jr. felt the same way and was observed by a neighbor, on four separate occasions, fucking his patio table. That’s right, Art Price, Jr., 40, was observed and videotaped taking a round, metal table, turning it on its sexy side and proceed to use the sexy whole that an umbrella would normally go into. In broad daylight. Where children could see.
Now he is facing felony charges. It seems as if he lived pretty close to a school and playground, and the law doesn’t look to favorably upon grown men being stark naked fucking a table where children may see. So his four charges of public indecency, which are normally misdemeanors, were upgraded to felonies. There is also the fact that he is married with 3 school aged children. Hope that whore table was worth humiliating them.
Not much else to say about this one. It is what it is. But, I do have video. Yes, the table is in it.
11:52 pm on March 28th, 2008
Woohoo… video even. =D
11:55 pm on March 28th, 2008
Well, hell, y’all – if you’re gonna have a crazy table-fucker, Bellevue seems an appropriate place for him to live!
I wonder if any of the patio chairs got jealous, or did he service them too? I’d be kinda upset if my hubby was cheating on me – especially if it was with a piece of furniture. I mean, really, what kind of pillow talk could they actually have?
“Ooh, baby, you’re so round, so firm, so cold. Next time you can be on top, OK?”
11:57 pm on March 28th, 2008
aawweee maannnn, I thought we were going to see video of the action, LOL
I feel soooo sorry for his kids, they are def. going to get it from their peers.
12:01 am on March 29th, 2008
I’ve heard if you have enough money, you can watch Morbid playing rough with that couch in the corner…….
12:02 am on March 29th, 2008
how much do i need??? I wonder if he will do layaway???
12:16 am on March 29th, 2008
Dammit! I was hoping for some hawt man-on-furniture action and …….was denied!
On a more serious note, wouldn’t thrusting it into a metal pole “chafe” somewhat? That couldn’t have been comfortable/pleasurable. Oh, what do I know, maybe he was “under the influence” of something.
/still…..ewwwwwwwwww!
12:17 am on March 29th, 2008
You GO, Amused Cat!
Please, don’t look at any pictures of that poor, innocent table. That’s just indecent. Victims should remain anonymous.
12:27 am on March 29th, 2008
Layaway, housewares, automotive, garden center……I’ve heard he’ll do it just about anywhere!
Oops! You meant a payment plan! I thought you were talking location! Do you really need to finance a quarter? Just kidding – I bet he enjoys making his minions happy so much, that he’d give us a free show if we asked real nice-like. Oooohhhhhhh Mooooorrrrrbbiiiiiiddd………
12:42 am on March 29th, 2008
Darn, I forgot about table victim rights. lol… I really would like to see that video tho. =D
12:42 am on March 29th, 2008
Just shows me how little I know about furniture. I’ve seen the hole in my patio table so many times and never realized it was a vagina.
12:49 am on March 29th, 2008
LMFAO!
But maybe it’s not…maybe our vaginas are actually patio-furniture-umbrella-holders. Nah, you’re probably right…we need to go buy that table a Massengill, Spring Flowers Scent.
12:52 am on March 29th, 2008
Oh, RIGHT, like you’ve never stood on your head in the back yard and held up an umbrella to block the sun from the head of a loved one. Liar. Gah.
12:57 am on March 29th, 2008
What the fuck are you? A peeping Tom? Stay the hell off of my property – Hey! Is that a video camera you have there? Give it here! Stop filming!!!!!!
12:58 am on March 29th, 2008
Well now that I watched the video I see why this happened. The table is all alone out there on the deck……poor thing has no chairs to love. See he was just trying to cheer up a lonely table….so thoughtful don’t you think? LMAO
1:00 am on March 29th, 2008
I’m really sorry that it has come to this for you, because I thought the standing on the head with the umbrella was just something all meat puppets with vajayjays do, you know, like baking cookies. I will pray for you.
1:05 am on March 29th, 2008
I’m going to the murder-suicide thread now, to borrow one of their guns. You’ll be sorry when I’m gone…….Waaaahhhhhh!
1:07 am on March 29th, 2008
No, don’t! Wait, you come here and shoot me, and I’ll shoot you, and we’ll both be dead!
YAY!
1:10 am on March 29th, 2008
You win! ROFLMFAO!
P.S…… BAM!BAM!BAM!
1:17 am on March 29th, 2008
1:19 am on March 29th, 2008
I do love music……
2:25 am on March 29th, 2008
ROTFLMAO !!!
the officer says it just when u thought u seen it all …
I hope this isnt something Art learned by example … seems he got her for the right Price …
6:25 am on March 29th, 2008
okay I am on family vacation and while on this 15 hour 1 way teip came across this post about the furniture-yay for cellphones. All I can say is ROTFLMAO and my husband agrees. wtf was the cool metal arousing? did the sit and spin appeal too him too much as a child?
9:47 am on March 29th, 2008
For some men the world is full of holes. The world is a place of matter arranged around lovely holes. And they know that holes are for putting things in. And they know the very best thing to put into a hole. I wonder if there will be big sales of this model of patio table now that it’s seductive nature has been shown to the world. Perhaps there could be clubs in which men get together with their tables and brag about the action they’ve gotten.
9:56 am on March 29th, 2008
this is actually pretty hot. i believe i may have just discovered a new fetish. **wanders off to google xxx furniture***
10:27 am on March 29th, 2008
Haahahahahaa I love this fucking story. A dude busted for fucking a patio table. Too funny…..well probably not to the molested table….sorry table. I feel your pain.
10:44 am on March 29th, 2008
so that is how you cover the hole in the table when your umbrella blows away
10:45 am on March 29th, 2008
Art to wife:
“What, Honey? You have a headache tonight? No, that’s OK, I’ll just go and sit on the patio to look at the stars. Maybe the moon. Hell, maybe I’ll just moon the neighbors while I service our table.”
12:12 pm on March 29th, 2008
OK There is something seriously wrong with me because I keep reading about this on the front page (Thank you soooooo much Morbid) and in the forum and everytime i do it’s like the first time all over again! I laugh until I cry reading the posts and then I have to sprint to the bathroom before is piss myself!
Kudos to the neighbor that taped the event! I will admit if that had been my neighbor I would have been calling up my friends to come on over for the repeat performances and not one of us would have had a steady hand to actually tape the encounter because we all would have been crying and tripping over each other to get to the bathroom!
You know how we all have said we would like to take these victims for ourselves to keep them away from their molesters? I might have rescued the poor table under the cover of darkness to save it from further attacks. I just don’t think I could have ever used it to eat off of and I would never be able to traumatize it further by shoving an umbrella in the hole! Poor thing……I would get a nice potted plant and cover up it’s poor abused hole.
2:22 pm on March 29th, 2008
Seems his first name is Arthur. Art is his nickname.
2:50 pm on March 29th, 2008
Hmmm….patio “Art”. The story and comments are just too funny! (:
3:08 pm on March 29th, 2008
Arthur’s had his round table. Literally. Ack.
3:53 pm on March 29th, 2008
lol…this is one of the funniest things I have ever read!!!!!!!!!!
I’m speechless….
4:11 pm on March 29th, 2008
I wonder how he got the idea to have sex with the table, could have been something like this:
Wife: Honey, a storm is coming would you go out and put the patio table and umbrella away so it won’t blow away.
Art: Honey, you know I am ready for bed and sleep in my birthday suit.
Wife: Please Honey do it for me?
Art: Sure, just glad it is dark. I will be back in a second.
He goes out side takes the umbrella down and puts it away. Next, since there aren’t two people to help carry the table he starts to roll it and his dick slips in the hole of the table.
Art: Wow, that hole is tighter than my wife.
One hour later:
Wife: Honey did you put the patio table away?
Art: Sure did Honey. Goodnight.
Rolls over and he goes to sleep. Leaving his wife wondering why he isn’t trying to talk her into sex tonight.
4:16 pm on March 29th, 2008
Imp. So funny it’s genius!
4:23 pm on March 29th, 2008
The only part you left out is where the wife smiles happily to herself!
Here’s the version the guy told to the police:
“I went outside to put away the umbrella. My wife asked me to do it or I would have let it stay up because I wasn’t dressed, Officer. So, yeah, you see it’s only about five steps, so, yeah, I didn’t make the best decision I admit, I decided to go out naked real quick. Then, officer, I slipped on something, maybe it was a banana peel, and I sort of flew up onto the table and my penis went right into the hole! Right into it. And it was a kind of tight fit so I had to go up and down several times — but I wasn’t fucking the table, officer, really. I was — struggling to free myself from it when the neighbors made the video.”
Gives the officer a really innocent, owl-eyed look. Officer hands him a little black board with white letters on it that read “03-20-08″ and instructs him to stand against the giant ruler.
5:44 pm on March 29th, 2008
One of the funniest comments I have ever read, Imp. Evah.
But seriously, is “Ol’ Table-tickler Art” really deserving of a felony record?
Think of all the worthless kid beaters/rapers/haters who go free with so little time served. If this guy is a felon when he didn’t hurt anyone (except the poor table, of course) and did it on his own property, then our cultural priorities are way-fucked up (well, DUH, Ruby. ).
7:17 pm on March 29th, 2008
No I don’t think it’s worth felony charges. I could careless what inanimate object he puts his penis in as long as he does it in private!
Art and his table will probably get offered a playgirl spread.
Then he will start a series of dvds titled Table Fucker’s Tips and Tricks!
7:25 pm on March 29th, 2008
Damn, he must have really got jealous of the umbrella when it had to be placed in his love hole….lol
10:26 pm on March 29th, 2008
He looks like he is fantasizing about his patio furniture in his mug shot:
“Hmmm, when I get out of here…I can’t wait to get back to my table…maybe I’ll start drilling a hole in the chair, just to make the table jealous….oooh, oh, yeah.”
11:39 pm on March 29th, 2008
A leaked police report states that they found Ikea catalogs under his mattress!
1:34 am on March 30th, 2008
This is funny. http://youtube.com/watch?v=Btf2SwUa8IY
1:58 am on March 30th, 2008
You’re right Unamused….Lmao
5:45 am on March 30th, 2008
LOL
Price lives in central Ohio maybe he thinks of hisself as a Buckeye
8:20 am on March 30th, 2008
This story gives a new meaning to the phrase ‘dead fuck’, doesn’t it? You guys complain about your wives not getting into it, and this guy does his TABLE? I bet his wife probably pointed out the ceiling cracks while he was doing her! Out loud!
9:04 am on March 30th, 2008
Don’t laugh. That slut temptress table will be after YOUR husbands, next!
9:25 am on March 30th, 2008
Hey, y’all, sorry I haven’t been on much this weekend, but hubby is home for a couple of days, and I’ve been kinda busy perfecting my table impersonation skills. Pretending to be a picnic table takes lots of practice, y’know?
10:06 am on March 30th, 2008
table fucking – I’m just pissed off that I never thought of it. Apparently the whore-table has been charged as an accessory, but the cops don’t think it will stand up in court (would you, after a reaming like that?)
12:57 pm on March 30th, 2008
Wow! That thought makes me glad I’m unmarried! I can imagine the fine table rolling into our living room, waving one slender leg in the air — and it’s got four legs! How can a mere woman compete?
8:47 pm on March 30th, 2008
And another thought, when the umbrella is in the patio table it means they are having sex. Never knew this before. I wonder what other pieces of furniture are copulating around me.
9:27 pm on March 30th, 2008
News just in: local man found heavy petting with an outdoor setting. When questioned about his bizarre fetish, he replied ‘ She’s a standup girl who’s served me for years. She’s been in the shade of her man-umbrella for too long and wanted to experience the feeling of meat that hadn’t been pre-cooked on the barbie. I showed her.’
Maybe he likes to dry-fuck. As to chafing, there are any number of lubricants available. I once knew a librarian in a prison who said she would often get requests from prisoners for hard back books, didn’t matter what subject. When they were returned the binding hole would be smeared with butter and cum – yep, fucking the spine of books. Love with always find a way.
I would suggest to him that – given the poor size of his man-jewels – that he start wearing those napkin holders as a cock ring – make that steel cunt biatch really feel it!
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