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Brian HounslowTulsa, OK — Mr. Sad Face to the left is 37-year-old Brian Hounslow — he was busted this week after a woman told police, and apparently anyone else that would listen, that she witnessed him wankin’ his willy in the ladies room at Walmart.

It all started at about 8:30 Wednesday morning…..

Customer Beth Davis, 61, claims she headed into the shitter that morning and found Hounslow standing in front of the mirror, shirtless, with his pants around his ankles and his wiener in his hand. At that point, Davis did the only thing she could think to do — point and laugh…just kidding… she ran out of the bathroom and started yelling for help.

“There’s a naked man in the bathroom masturbating,” she reportedly shouted for several minutes.

Her screams for help did nothing. Sooooo, Davis took matters into her own hands. When Hounslow exited the restroom, fully clothed, thank gawd, she whipped out her cell phone and began filming.

In the video, you can hear Davis proclaim, again, and quite enthusiastically at that, that she had seen Hounslow fiddlin’ with himself in the restroom.…

shotgunRussellville, AR – Police responding to a call of a possible shooting in a Wal-Mart parking lot found a man who’d been shot in the back with a shotgun. The suspect? The man’s toddler.

It’s being reported that the child was climbing into his father’s truck with the help of an older child, and grabbed on to an unsecured, loaded shotgun in the process. The toddler accidentally pulled the shotgun’s trigger, shooting his father, identified as Monty Wheeler, in the back. Wheeler was taken to Saint Mary’s Regional Medical Center by EMS and has since been released in stable condition.

The investigation is ongoing at this time, but I hope to at least see a charge of child endangerment. Fifth Judicial District Prosecuting Attorney David Gibbons said they will decide what charges, if any, will be filed once they have all the facts.

Wheeler lists his employer as the Dardanelle Police Department, so you’d expect he’d know how to better store and protect his weapons around children. On Oct. 31st, Wheeler shared a photo on Facebook that shows a child saying “Thank you daddy for Loving me enough to carry a gun.”

I am by no means against ownership of guns for protection or concealed carry, but if you are going to carry or even own a weapon of any kind, please learn and practice safe storage.…

Donald James SmithJacksonville, FL – The body of Cherish Perrywinkle, the 8-year-old abducted from a Jacksonville Walmart, was discovered near a church in Jacksonville, Fla. Saturday morning. Donald James Smith, a registered sex offender recently released from prison, has been arrested and charged with her murder.

The girl’s mother, Rayne Perrywinkle, said she and her three children met Smith Friday evening at a dollar store. She says Smith overheard her saying she couldn’t afford to buy her daughter a dress, and offered to help her out using his wife’s Walmart gift card.

She said that at first she thought Smith was “creepy and annoying,” but seemed like he truly wanted to help her and her family. “Part of me wanted to believe this was a blessing for my children,” Perrywinkle said. She may have wanted to trust that initial gut instinct, as Smith is described as “a man with a very extensive criminal history.” He was previously convicted of attempted kidnapping and lewd and lascivious assault on children and just released from custody on May 31.…

Sammie WallaceMIDWEST CITY, OK – Didn’t see a lot of news reporting on this, so thought I would. Police were forced to shoot and kill a man inside a Walmart after he took a toddler hostage and threatened to kill her.

The store was full of shoppers Monday afternoon when 37-year-old Sammie Wallace walked into the Walmart, took a toddler out of a shopping cart in front of her mother and began cradling her in his arms.

“The mother began asking him, what he was doing, it wasn’t making any sense what he was saying, he had a weapon in his hand, a knife up against the child, threatening the child’s life,” said Sid Porter, Assist. Chief of Police.

Witnesses said Wallace was acting erratic and speaking about the Illuminati and a satanic cult while holding the girl and holding a knife against her. “He was really erratic, telling the daughters mother to call his attorney,” said witness, Tony Humphrey.

“He’s basically saying things like, he wants to see his kids, he wants his kids too,” said Owens.…

Daniel PirtleAnchorage, Alaska – Police say Daniel Pirtle, a double amputee with metal, prosthetic legs, went into a Walmart and shot a manager after getting into an argument over Pirtle’s unrestrained dog.

Police say that on Saturday afternoon, 45-year-old Daniel Pirtle went inside a  crowded Walmart in a motorized cart, accompanied by his unrestrained service dog. Pirtle got into an argument with the store’s assistant manager, 33-year-old Jason Mahi, after Mahi asked Pirtle to restrain his dog.

The argument escalated to the point that Pirtle pulled out a gun and shot Mahi in the stomach. Afterwards, Pirtle navigated the motorized cart through the aisles, making his way towards the store’s entrance. He was apprehended by police near the front of the store where officers took a handgun from him, as well as his legs, before placing him in a police car.

Witnesses said Mahi was conscious after being shot. “He said, ‘I can’t feel my feet.’ He just kept talking about his kids,” said a patron who rushed to Mahi’s aid. “‘My kids, my son,’ that’s basically all he said.…

Mary Frances AldayCrawfordville, FL – Wakulla County police have arrested 61-year-old Mary Frances Alday after they say she pulled a gun on Walmart employees who said she couldn’t use an Internet coupon.

Last Friday, Alday reportedly began verbally abusing a female employee who refused to honor a “dollar off” coupon. She then got into an argument with the assistant manager, Tracy Stockslager, calling her “a bitch and other foul names” before intentionally striking her with a shopping cart.

Alday was escorted from the store and warned Stockslager not to follow her. Stockslager followed anyway, informing Alday she was going to get her license plate number. Alday warned, “If you follow me, I have something in my car for you.”

She wasn’t joking, either. Alday pulled a loaded .38 Special from her vehicle and began waving it at Stockslager along with three other Walmart employees who had gathered at the store’s entrance. “I have something for y’all,” Alday reportedly told the employees who quickly re-entered the store.

Alday drove out of the parking lot without harming anyone, but was stopped by police a short while later.…

Semen SlingerFarmington, New Mexico — If you are the wacky wanker who’s been going around flinging baby gravy at unsuspecting women, the police would like to have a word with you…

Farmington police recently released a surveillance photo of a man they believe has ejaculated or tossed semen onto at least two women at a local Walmart on separate occasions.

The alleged semen slinger has been described as a Native American man, 5 feet 3 inches to 5 feet 6 inches tall, weighing approximately 165 pounds. Police say it appears as if the man chooses his victims at random.

“We think he’s been doing this since at least 2010, and he may not have stopped,” Farmington Det. Corp. Kenneth Raybon reported. “These are just the only incidents that have been reported.”

That’s a lot of batter…

“The attacks happened on March 29, 2010 and Nov. 8, 2012,” Raybon continued. “We were able to tie the two instances together with evidence that recently came to light.”

Let’s not all panic and rush to Walmart at the same time, ladies….…

BATAVIA, NY — Last year we reported on Jacquetta Simmons, the woman who punched an elderly Walmart worker in the face after being asked to show her receipt. Last week a judge sentenced Simmons to five years in prison.

On Christmas Eve of last year,  26-year-old Jacquetta Simmons and her male companion were leaving a Walmart after having purchased some items at the electronics section located in the back of the store.

When 70-year-old Grace Suozzi asked to check her receipts against the items she was carrying out, Simmons punched the elderly woman in the face, knocking her to the ground and fracturing the bones in the side of her face.

Simmons and her friend fled to the parking lot but other employees and customers quickly surrounded their car and prevented them from leaving until police showed up. Simmons was arrested and charged with two counts of second-degree assault, and released later on $40,000 bond.

Simmons would plead not guilty, but a jury would end up finding Simmons guilty in August and convict her under the state’s “Granny Law,” a law that gives stiffer penalties for assaulting anyone 65 or older.…

BOLIVAR, MO – Police in Missouri say one man’s plot to commit mass murder at a TWILIGHT screening was foiled after they were contacted by the man’s mother.

On Thursday, the mother of 20-year-old Blaec Lammers contacted police to inform them that her son had gone off his meds and had recently purchased weapons and ammo similar to those used by a gunman inside a theater in Aurora, CO, that claimed the lives of 12 people. She went on to say that she thought her son was intending to shooting people during the opening of the new TWILIGHT movie.

Lammers was taken in for questioning and admitted to police that he had purchased a ticket for a Sunday showing of the latest TWILIGHT movie with every intention of using his recently purchased firearms to shoot the people in the theater. However, he had changed his mind.

He told police he decided that he was going to shoot up a local Walmart instead.  He figured that would a be a perfect place for his killing spree because when he ran out of his ammo, he could just reload with Walmart’s.…

LOUISVILLE, KY — Here’s a sad one out of Kentucky where a 46-year-old mother was gunned down in a Wal-Mart parking lot by an ex-boyfriend who had been stalking her.

Police say Michelle Hahn was in the parking lot of a Hillview Wal-Mart Saturday afternoon, loading items into her car, when she was gunned down by 44-year-old Charles Fickentsher who then fled the scene. Fickentsher’s body was found shortly after in his car at McNeely Lake, dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

Fickentsher and Hahn had only been dating for three months before Hahn broke off  the relationship three weeks prior to her death. During those three weeks, Fickentsher had reportedly been stalking Hahn. This isn’t out of the ordinary for Fickentsher, as he has a long criminal history of this kind of behavior.

Some of Fickentsher’s past charges include stalking, menacing and violating protective orders. In 2004, Fickentsher’s then ex-girlfriend already had a domestic violence order against him when she called police to report he was following her and a friend around a Wal-Mart.…

Owasso, OK – Joshua Traub, 20, was arrested on Friday night at a Walmart store after he had allegedly slapped an employee’s buttocks, and then peeped inside the women’s restroom.

According to reports, Traub began speaking with a maintenance worker who was stuffing trash down a chute.  He inquired about employment at the store, and then asked her if she might be at the store when he returned because, you know, there’s nothing sexier than a chick jamming trash down a chute; know what I’m sayin’?  Hell, she was probably grunting too, moaning stuff like “Yeah, you nasty chute, you’re gonna take it all, every last bit, even if I have to be here all night jamming it into you.”

But maybe not, as she told police that she merely informed Traub of her “engaged” status, and that he seemed annoyed when he responded, “Oh, well, good for you.”

The woman says that he gave her a smack on the ass as the two parted company, which, from what I understand, is a perfectly acceptable “goodbye” at Walmart.…

FARMINGTON, Maine – Police arrested a woman after they say she punched and kicked a female rival in the checkout line of a Walmart. God knows I have wanted to do this on occasion whenever someone in front of me pulls out their checkbook after they just watched their fifty items get rung up in slow motion, but this was more of a domestic issue.

According to reports, 32-year-old Sarah Hanson and her husband were shopping in Walmart when Hanson found her husband talking with another woman inside the store. Hanson ran up to the woman and let out a string of obscenities before leaving the store with her husband.

Outside in the parking lot, Hanson and her husband got into an argument that ended with Hanson going back inside the Walmart where she found the other woman standing in the checkout line. Witnesses say Hanson called the woman a name before punching her in the face. After the woman fell to the ground, Hanson allegedly began kicking her before leaving the scene.…

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