SALISBURY, NC – The adoptive brother of Erica Parsons, the North Carolina girl who was murdered by her adoptive parents, has been charged with having two wives.

In a classy update peripheral to the Erica Parsons abuse/murder case, adoptive brother James Parsons, now 25, has been arrested for bigamy.

Many regular readers will no doubt remember this story. Erica Parsons, of Rowan County, North Carolina, was reported missing in July of 2013, which would turn out to be about two years after she was last seen alive.

A cover story about her having gone to live with a biological grandmother seems to have worked for awhile, but the skein of deceit and lies quickly unraveled when her adoptive parents, Sandy and Casey Parsons, were arrested for cashing post-disappearance adoption assistance checks to the tune of $12,000.

These fraud charges led to 2016 convictions for the pair, and the trial dragged a lot of dirty laundry into the open.

Erica, who was adopted as a newborn, “lived a life of servitude and abuse,” including starvation, countless broken bones, and confinement.…

CARY, NC – A North Carolina man convicted of manufacturing child pornography has been ordered to give his home and $250,000 to one of his victims.

We all know the downside of being exploited by a pervy adult and ending up in child pornography: the loss of innocence that can never be regained at the hands of a sick, scrofulous dirtbag that couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse.

As well as the mortification and shame of knowing that, no matter what you do, those pictures are out there forever, all for the disgusting delectation of a subhuman subset of society that would be best deprived of oxygen until that crazy ol’ Judgement Trumpet do a-blow.

But did you know that there’s an upside? Some child porn stars get Paid, with a capital P.

Okay, that’s bullshit. There is no upside.

But sometimes judges do take all of the molester’s property and give it to the victims. Just ask Adam Geoffrey Frankel with his funky-fresh tribal facial tats.

What tribe is he a member of, you ask?…

WINSTON-SALEM, NC – Two women were arrested after they recorded themselves letting three children smoke what appeared to be marijuana and posted the video on Facebook.

Idiots love Facebook.

They love to post the minutiae of their meaningless little lives. They love to post the drama that dominates their days, and the naughtiness that consumes their nights. But most of all, they like to post the incriminating evidence that ultimately will be their undoing.

Just ask these two nitwits from North Carolina.

Michaela Mary-Elizabeth Pearson, 21, and Candice Jasmine Little, 18, both of Winston-Salem, NC, got busted for being a bit too giving.

Winston-Salem is a town that made its fortune on the backs of tobacco smokers the world over, but these two were smoking something else when they got the bright idea to share their stash with the young children that they were babysitting.

So share they did, getting an 18-month-old, a 2-year-old and a 3-year-old nice and blunted, because nothing screams “responsible babysitter” like returning the kids you have been watching higher than they were when you got them.…

FUQUAY-VARINA, NC – Police serving an eviction order at a home had to call firefighters equipped with hazardous-materials because of the intense smell of shit and piss inside the house.

There’s stink, and then there’s stank.

Stink is “it smells like something died.”

Stank is “it smells like something crawled up in an unwiped ass, took a shit, and died.”

Just ask the poor bastards who had to evict a less-than-fastidious female from her dogshit-defiled domicile in good old Fuquay-Varina, North Carolina.

Police went to remove a 50-year-old tenant from a house on Monday morning and encountered an odor so malevolent and vile that they had to execute a tactical retreat and call for backup.

The small house contained no furniture, but what it lacked in chattel it more than made up for in critters.

Specifically, it contained “14 dogs, eight cats, two rabbits and two ferrets” and enough animal waste to hold the cops at bay indefinitely.

They said “fuck it.”

Firefighters wearing haz-mat gear were required to extract the animals from the house; Wake County Animal Control officers wouldn’t get any closer than the yard.…

FOREST CITY, NC — No charges will be filed against the 15-year-old girl who shot and killed her mother’s abusive boyfriend.

Who wants to end the week on a happy note?

I do! I do!

Steven Kelley is such an asshole, he had to leave Indiana.

He had active domestic violence protection orders on his sorry ass from two different women in two different states, and I guess they made things pretty hot for him. So he loaded up the truck and he moved to Forest City. N.C., that is.

Of course, you can’t be a wife-beater without a wife, so Kelley brought along his new punching bag, girlfriend Chandra Nierman, 44, and her kids: a 12-year-old son and 15- and 16-year-old daughters. He should have left the kids in Indiana.

Changes in latitude, changes in attitude? Yeah, right. Different state, same old shit. He was up to his old tricks in no time.

Constant threats became action on August 4th, when Kelley started beating on Nierman and fired off a couple of rounds inside the house to make his point.…

STATESVILLE, NC – Police have arrested a man after he hired a 14-year-old girl to do yard work then offered her money to see her naked.

Salesmen call it the foot-in-the-door technique. You get someone to make a small concession, and that makes it easier for you to get them to agree to a bigger concession later.

Douglas Jackson, 61, of Statesville, NC, must have been watching Glengarry Glen Ross recently.

When an enterprising 14-year-old girl agreed to do yard work for pay, he had that perverted foot in the doorway.

After letting her work up a good sweat, he pushed a hard sell: more pay for more services.

Specifically, Santa Claus here wanted her to shuck off them sweaty skivvies, ’cause she so sexy.

The unnamed young lady slammed the door right on that ol’ cloven hoof.

The incident was reported to local authorities on August 3rd, and Jackson was arrested for the indecent proposal. He was held under a $50,000 bond on a single felony charge of indecent liberties with a child.…

TROY, NC – A woman taking a walk in her North Carolina neighborhood was reportedly mauled to death by two pit bulls.

When the 66-year-old woman did not return home after her routine walk, her husband went out with neighbors looking for her.

When they were unable to find her they called 911. Responding police and emergency personnel would find her body along an unused road in her housing development.

According to reports, it looked as if the woman had been attacked by a dog so police immediately began searching the surrounding area.

Eventually they “located two pit bull dogs with physical evidence reflecting the dog’s involvement.

The dogs’ owner agreed to release the dogs to animal control so they could be euthanized and tested for rabies. Medical examiners also wanted to study the dogs’ jaw sizes.

As of Saturday, the case remained a death investigation and not a criminal investigation.

“This is a very tragic event, which has deeply affected the family, friends, deputies, and first responders,” Montgomery County Sheriff Chris Watkins said.…

DURHAM, NC – An aggressive driver, whose antics behind the wheel caused locals to use social media to get him off the road, has had his sentencing delayed after a judge questioned his plea deal that would have him serve no jail time.

Close your eyes. Now imagine the most aggressive driver you’ve ever encountered. Imagine someone even more aggressive than that. No, even worse.

Imagine a Road Douche so bad that other social-media-savvy local drivers teamed up with police to hunt his ass down and kill him.

Okay, that last part is just wishful thinking on my part. You can open your eyes now.

The asshole you are looking at is Maurice Beckwith, 52, of Durham, NC, and he is the King of the Road Douches.

I don’t know what his problem is, maybe a bad case of “Boy Named Sue” syndrome, or a pair of undescended testicles, or a chronic case of Vaginal Silicosis.

Whatever it is, he’s had it for a long time; he has “driving while license revoked” convictions as far back as January of 2003, so he’s definitely an OG Road Douche.…

CLEVELAND COUNTY, NC – A jury has found a North Carolina man guilty of first-degree murder in the beating death of 3-year-old Jordyn Dumont.

All Billy Joseph McCullen can do is cry.

He cried the first time his live-in girlfriend’s daughter Jordyn called him “daddy”. Jordyn’s mother, Jaylene Dumont, described their relationship as “loving”.

He cried when he called 911 to report that Jordyn, whom he was supposed to be watching, had mysteriously vanished while he was taking a nap on August 15th, 2016. He even begged her to “please come out” as if he believed that she might just be hiding somewhere.

The call was logged at 3:39 PM; dark fell at 9:45 PM that day outside Gastonia, NC. Gaston County officials and dozens of neighbors spent the six hours and six minutes in between searching for the missing 3-year old around her rural Gaston County home. Presumably, McCullen helped them. Crying.

They did not find anything.

At 10:10 AM the following day, they did. Jordyn’s battered body was located in a shallow grave in some woods near her home, covered with branches and leaves.…

RALEIGH, NC – Man accused of installing a hidden camera in a woman’s bedroom after her father told him he was not allowed to date her.

Brian Keith Fisher needs relationship help.

The 39-year-old doesn’t have the first clue about women, love, or how to get the latter from the former. The best he could come up with to win that Special Someone over is secret peeping.

He should also probably stop hitting on his friends’ daughters as well.

When the Fuquay-Varina, NC man “expressed romantic feelings” towards his un-named buddy’s 27-year-old daughter, Buddy cut him off short, citing the 12-year difference in their ages.

Buddy probably had additional concerns, like not wanting goofy-looking grandkids, but “you’re too old for Daddy’s Little Girl, you fucking pervert” is the excuse on record.

Rather than taking his friend at his word, Fisher apparently took advantage of a house-sitting gig to make the next move in his romantic pursuit.

He decided to place a hidden camera in his beloved’s bedroom, which was a brilliant move, as nothing will win a woman’s heart, or a reluctant father’s favor, faster than invasion of privacy.…

RALEIGH, NC – An elderly North Carolina man drove his car through the front of a Verizon store because his phone was not working and the store was closed.

Everybody hates their cellphone carrier. High rates for inferior products, shitty customer service, and reception that fails when you need it most.

Worst of all, those inconvenient phone store hours.

Combine the latter with the crankiest senior citizen since Vicki Lawrence’s ‘Mama’ and you’re bound to have a mess.

Just ask the staff at the Verizon store in the North Hills shopping center in Raleigh, NC. They found out the hard way that one ignores irate, irrational phone-deprived old men at one’s own peril.

On July 26th, 74-year-old Charles Michael Hager’s phone wasn’t working, and neither were the six staff members in the store, it being a bit after the store’s 8 PM closing time.

Most of us would just curse volubly and stalk away, but one look at the sheer unfettered determination on the face in the accompanying mugshot and you know this isn’t a guy that’s gonna take ‘no’ for an answer.…

DURHAM, NC – Man ordered to pay $8.8 million to the ex-husband of the woman he had an affair with.

This story is pretty unremarkable except for some really interesting legal anomalies because of where it takes place.

Other than that, it’s like half the divorces in the country: filled with the tawdry desperation, lies and deceit found when an unhappily married person tries to fill the gaping hole in their heart with Something New.

The 30,000 foot view: a woman in a bad-from-the-start marriage meets Something New and has an affair, breaking up the marriage in the process.

Her erstwhile husband files a civil suit against Something New and is awarded $8.8 million in damages using a law that only exists in North Carolina and five other states.

The detail is involved and convoluted, and reading it gave me a headache, but we’re going to bull through it and summarize a bit.

Danielle King married Keith King (who is 15 years older than Danielle) in 2010. Keith is a former professional BMX bike competitor that owns a “BMX bike stunt show company” and still rides in his own shows… and that’s a young man’s game.…


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