HOUSTON, TX – A man masturbating while riding a bicycle was shot by a woman after he tried entering her home.

This must be the week of The Masturbators.

First we have a homeless guy in SC whipping his weasel at a 13-year-old-girl whose denser-than-lead mother left her home alone with him while she went to the store.

Now word comes out of Texas about a crazed masturbating bicyclist running amok in a Houston neighborhood.

That takes some serious coordination. This guy is a pro.

About 5:15 PM on Tuesday, around the time normal, productive members of society are coming home from a long day’s work, this assclown was freewheeling around the Golfcrest neighborhood, popping wheelies and copping feelies. On himself.

He was really enjoying himself, too, and who wouldn’t be! The refreshing rush of the breeze on his inflamed johnson, the delirium of the love tugs blurring his vision to a delightful kalidoscopic dazzle, the lyrics to his own special pervert’s version of Freebird soaring through his head.

Feelin’ GOOD, man.…

YORK, SC – A homeless man has been charged after a woman left him alone with her 13-year-old daughter and he propositioned the teen while performing sex acts on himself.

Leonard Dale Dover is a shitty guest.

An unnamed York County, South Carolina mother saw the homeless man get caught in a downpour and took pity on him. She invited him into her home so that he could get out of the rain.

Then, for some completely inexplicable reason that I just cannot fathom, she went to the store and left her 13-year-old daughter alone with Dover.

Left her 13-year-old daughter alone with a man that she didn’t know from Adam.

Daughter. Alone. Strange man. Let that sink in.

I give this lady all the credit in the world for being compassionate. Helping a fellow human that is in distress is a laudable thing to do. Seriously.

But. And this is a big ‘but’. Third-row-of-the-church-choir-sized ‘but’.

According to the National Alliance on Metal Illness, of homeless adults staying in shelters, an estimated 46% “live with severe mental illness and/or substance use disorders.”

That’s one in two.…

GERMANY – Egidius Schiffer aka the “Aachen Strangler,” accidentally electrocuted himself while performing a solo sex act in his jail cell.

For those of you who are not up to par with your foreign serial killers, Schiffer was responsible for the deaths of five female hitchhikers in northwest Germany between 1983 and 1990.

His modus operandi was to pick up women as they left nightclubs. The former insurance salesman would then handcuff and attempt to rape the women before strangling them to death.

Schiffer got caught over a decade after his last murder when he voluntarily gave a DNA sample after getting busted stealing metal from a scrapyard. The DNA ultimately linked him to the deaths of the five women.

Once he was in custody he confessed to the murders but then later retracted his statements. He claimed he was sadomasochistic and made up his involvement as the thought of being locked up in a cell excited him.

Police nor the jury believed a word of it, especially since his confession contained details only the killer would know and his DNA matched the DNA from the crime scenes.…

PASCO COUNTY, FL — A 51-year-old nursing assistant in Florida has been accused of molesting an elderly disabled woman with a shower head.

Christina Nappo was caring for an elderly disabled woman with the mental capacities of a 10-year-old after suffering serious brain trauma.

According to the arrest report, Nappo was instructing another CNA how to clean the woman and used “a shower head to stimulate the vaginal area with water pressure until the victim was heard moaning.”

Nappo allegedly told the other CNA she was showing her how to do it right for the times she was not around.

While technically two adults, police say that Nappo knew the victim well enough to know that the woman’s limited mental faculties would have left her without the ability to give consent.

Nappo was charged with lewd and lascivious molestation of an elderly person. She was booked into the Land O’ Lakes jail and bonded out a few hours afterward.

If convicted, Nappo is looking at a possible 5 years in prison and a $5,000 fine.…

SANTA ANA, CA – Police have arrested a man after he was accused of ejaculating into a female co-worker’s water bottles and her jar of honey.

Police were initially called after the victim sat her desk at work and touched her mouse which appeared to have been smeared with semen.

According to reports, 37-year-old Stevens Millancastro — a co-worker the woman has worked with for at least three years — was captured on a surveillance camera going into her office beforehand.

As to why there was a surveillance camera setup to record the victim’s office, it turns out the woman had experienced repeated instances of the water in her water bottles appearing to be contaminated with semen.

After complaining to her supervisor, a surveillance camera was setup to see if the owner of the semen could be identified. After watching the video of Millancastro going into the victim’s office before the sticky mouse incident, they felt they had their man and called police.

Fortunately, the woman never drank from the contaminated water bottles as she had thrown them out each time without ever having drinking from them.…

clifford jonesDETROIT, MI – A motorist wearing no pants died while masturbating in his car after he crashed and was partially ejected through his sunroof.

According to reports, 58-year-old Clifford Jones was driving a 1996 Toyota on the Lodge ramp to Interstate 75 early Sunday morning while watching porn on his cellphone.

Since he did not have both hands on the steering wheel, Jones lost control of the car, causing him to crash and roll the vehicle. Jones was killed instantly after he was partially ejected through his sunroof.

Police believe his ejection was partially due to the fact that aside from not wearing any pants, Jones was also not wearing his seat belt.

Lt. Mike Shaw of the Michigan State Police stated that while this is one of the strangest incidents he has investigated in his career, distracted driving has become more and more common.

“We see people putting on makeup, we see people doing different things as far as hygiene, as far as reading books, it’s almost to the fact there’s so much technology out there a lot of people are more paying attention to what they’re doing other than driving their car,” said Lt.…

crazy ohioHAMILTON TOWNSHIP, OH – A naked 17-year-old, was shot with a shotgun after attempting to break into homes looking for women to rape – keeps jerking it while being arrested.

The teen was seen attempting to break into several houses by witnesses, screaming obscenities, before successfully breaking into the house of an unnamed married couple. The husband held the bare-assed teen at gunpoint while his wife called 911 for help.

She was heard by 911 operators pleading with him to keep his distance repeatedly. “I never said you were gay, honey. I believe you, I believe you. Stay away from me. Stay away from me. Please, please.” She warned him that he would be shot if he didn’t keep his distance.

He reached for her throat at which point her husband shot him in the back, hitting his wife in the eye and shoulder in the process. Propelled as if shot out of a pinball machine, he began running around bouncing off of walls. The husband ran for towels to help control the bleeding, when he returned he found the weirdo had retreated to his porch to teach his dick a lesson while simultaneously bleeding out.…

Nicholas PfeiferPLYMOUTH, MA – Nicholas Pfeifer has been arrested after the 19-year-old was accused of exposing himself to his girlfriend’s 14-year-old sister on multiple occasions.

According to the criminal complaint, the first incident happened in December when the teen woke up to find Pfeifer facing her while jacking off. He left the room immediately and did not touch her.

That same month, she woke up to, once again, find Pfeifer standing next to her bed masturbating. The teen asked Pfiefer what in the hell was he doing, to which Pfiefer left the bedroom without saying a word and went inside a hallway bathroom.

How there was ever a third incident I will never know, but in February the teen woke up to find Pfiefer standing over her bed basting his ham. Pfiefer’s girlfriend was in the same room and woke up to her younger sister’s screams and saw her boyfriend running out of the bedroom.

She told police that her younger sister was visibly upset and kept repeating “what do I do?” Possibly referring to the semen she saw on her sister’s face, hair and bedding.…

Sean JohnsonBrooksville, FL — A 19-year-old weirdo is facing charges of criminal mischief and indecent exposure after police say he violated a stuffed animal in the bedding department of a Brooksville Walmart.

According to police, Sean Johnson was captured acting all suspicious and stuff on surveillance video Tuesday afternoon. In said video, Johnson is apparently seen approaching the innocent plush toy in the clearance section somewhere near the garden department. He was then seen carrying his new found love to the bedding department.

It was there, police say, that Johnson got busy.

In the surveillance video, Johnson is seen exposing his Johnson and humping the horse — utilizing short, fast movements. When finished, Johnson reportedly shot his load on the horse’s chest. Sated, Johnson placed the stuffed animal on top of a comforter set and exited the store.

I have to assume security personnel were rolling on the floor laughing, while vomiting, maybe, and that’s why they failed to apprehend the plushie fucker before he was able to make it out of the store.…

Tarence WilsonColumbus, GA — A 29-year-old man was arrested earlier this week after video surveillance captured him pleasuring himself outside an elementary school, four nights in a row, leaving condoms filled with baby batter on the front door each time.

According to police, after scaling a fence surrounding Wesley Heights Elementary, Tarence Wilson would drop trou and commence to burpin’ his worm right there in the courtyard. When finished, he apparently draped his used condoms on the door.

The first condom was found sometime Saturday, leading grossed out school officials to view the surveillance tapes and initiate a stake-out. On Tuesday evening, they caught their man red-handed.

When officers arrived to back up school security that evening, Wilson was found hiding behind a bush, boxers around his ankles.

When questioned as to why the hell he was jerkin’ off on school grounds, Wilson reportedly responded that he felt “uncomfortable” masturbating at home, and dammit, he just wanted someplace he could be left alone. No word on why he feels the need to practice safe sex with himself, though.…

SEPTA WANKERPhiladelphia, PA – Police are looking for a man who was caught on camera jacking off inside a packed SEPTA bus.

A Temple University student was on the bus last Friday when the man sitting beside her whipped out his dick and began masturbating. The woman immediately took out her phone and started filming the man in the act.

As she verbally confronts the man about what he is doing, he continues to expose himself without acknowledging her and, as you can see in the uncensored video below, climaxes.

The man finally turns to the woman and repeatedly asks, “Are you serious right now?”

By then, angry passengers are getting vocal, including a woman with a child sitting behind them who says, “Michelle, come get this baby because I’m about to go off.”

The man asks the woman filming why she didn’t tell him to stop sooner, to which the woman replies, “Does someone need to tell you not to touch yourself in public on a bus?”

Eventually the bus comes to stop and the driver escorts the man off the bus.…

Hillard StallingsOklahoma City, OK — A registered sex offender is facing numerous charges after police received complaints about the man walking butt nekkid in his yard, and for shaking his dick at a teen boy.

The first complaint came from a mother driving her three children to their piano lessons. The woman informed dispatchers that her children, ages 6, 10, and 12, brought her attention to the nekkid man, identified as 68-year-old Hillard Stallings.

It didn’t take long for the rest of the neighborhood to chime in with police — they informed dispatchers Stallings had been wandering around the yard, in the buff, for at least 10 minutes.

Officers made contact with Stallings, and chatted with him for a bit, but an immediate arrest was not made. When they drove back through the neighborhood a few minutes later, though, they spotted the skeevy bastard in the yard, shaking his willy and making thrusting motions at a 14-year-old boy who had been passing the home.

Stallings spotted police and raced for the house, but the officers were quicker.…


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