Houston, TX —  Eliodoro Estala was charged with indecent exposure last week after his neighbor told police she saw him having sex with the fence that separated their property.

The woman reportedly told police she was looking out her window Wednesday, and just happened to see Estala pissing on the chain link fence. So she did what any normal person would do in such a situation…. she started filming. Weirdo.

When Estala noticed she was recording him with her phone, he worked that shit.

The woman told police Estala stuck his mouth on the fence and began tonguing it before he began “having sex with it.” Foreplay first. Good man!

The woman showed officers several videos and still pics of the alleged act. And I can only imagine how hard she was fretting to have witnessed such a vile and o-fence-ive act. I can just hear her screaming at her husband now…. “Abner! Abner! Come quick! The neighbor! He’s gyrating wildy against our fence. And he’s *gasp* unclothed!!” (Props to Gladys Kravitz from Bewitched).…

Woman Shoots Boyfriend In Fight Over Cold Taco

February 9, 2017 at 5:01 am by  

Houston, TX — A woman upset with the temperature of her food truck taco has been accused of shooting her boyfriend.

According to authorities, the unidentified couple hit up a food truck just before 2:00 Monday morning. The taco the woman ordered was apparently a little on the cool side.

The woman got kinda pissy when the man in the window refused to warm said taco.

The boyfriend told the woman to calm down, and that’s when the gun came out and he got shot.

He apparently didn’t read the “Boyfriend Handbook.” Article 5 — Section 74-5-2(b) clearly states: “Do not tell the woman to “Calm down.” Especially if the word calm is used with a capital C. Even more especially if food is involved.” (Rule subject to change at any moment). I kid. There is no handboook… we make that shit up as we go along.

It is unclear at this point exactly where the man was shot. He is, however, expected to survive.

It is also unclear exactly who the woman was aiming(?) for, and whether the shooting was purely accidental.…

Houston, TX — Criminal charges have been filed against 49-year-old Pete Hernandez, a former HISD substitute teacher, months after the man was accused of inappropriate behavior with three first grade girls.

According to HISD, the allegations of misconduct were first reported to school officials in November. He was removed from campus and the investigation began.

The three girls told authorities Hernandez kissed them on the mouth, touched their chests, and made them sit on his lap.

Though Hernandez initially denied touching any of the kids, he soon changed his story.

He admitted to having sexual thoughts about the girls as they were sitting on his lap, authorities claim. He had the girls straddle his legs and he moved them side to side and back and forth, as he taught them about “force of motion.”

The kissing? That was an accident, people! Hernandez was simply too close to the girls while he was talking, and his tongue just kinda accidentally fell into their mouth. *barfs* That’s his story and he’s sticking to it.…

John CarterHouston, TX — An 18-year-old moron has been accused of setting his mother’s clothes on fire after she refused to give him money to buy marijuana.

According to authorities, John Carter pitched a ginormous baby fit and started lighting his mother’s clothes on fire when she refused to give in to his crybaby, whiny-ass demands. No word on why the entitled shitstain doesn’t just get a damn job and buy his own shit.

Investigators with the Harris County Fire Marshal’s Office say the damage was minor to the apartment complex where this shit went down. And yes, they also have reason to believe the fire was intentionally set. No clue, though, as to whether the woman was injured.

Carter has been charged with arson. He’s already out on a $30,000 bond. Raise your hand if you think mom posted bond.

I’m gonna go and buy my spawn something shiny for allowing me to live as long as I have.…

Cameron BeckHouston, TX — A pair of half siblings initially detained by police for shoplifting and possession of meth are now facing additional charges after police spotted the two making out behind bars.

Officers were dispatched to the Porter Walmart on the afternoon of February 28, to deal with an alleged shoplifter. There they found 24-year-old Charlene Ellet. She informed officers that her half-brother, 26-year-old Cameron Beck, had driven her and her toddler twins to the store. A short time later, Beck appeared at the Loss Prevention office looking for Charlene.

For whatever reason, police requested a search of Beck’s car. He consented because he’s obviously an idiot. Anyway, the search revealed  a “light bulb with burn marks and  a cut pen with a crystalline substance on it.” Surprise! That substance reportedly tested positive for meth. Ellet admitted she and Beck had smoked the meth about two weeks prior. Ellet was issued a citation for shoplifting under $50, and both were taken into custody for possession of a controlled substance.

It was then, police say, that Beck asked the arresting officer if they could just charge Ellet because she had a clean record.…

Angel MartinezHouston, TX — Angel Martinez, 26, has been arrested and is facing felony charges of injury to a child after allegedly beating his two-year-old stepdaughter to a point where she was left blind.

Authorities learned of the alleged abuse after the child was taken to an area hospital by her mother, Nancy Esmeralda Colomo-Gonzalez, because of possible head injuries. Doctors found that the girl had an untreated fracture in her arm, and was currently suffering from a skull fracture, hemorrhaging, and a brain injury severe enough to cause blindness.

When investigators spoke with Martinez, he had no problem laying out a timeline for the injuries.

He said that he would “rock” the baby to get her to go to sleep and that maybe in September he rocked her too hard causing the child to vomit and have seizures. The mother did take the child into the hospital for that incident, but lied about what had happened. No word on what story she used.

The arm fracture was probably from the time in October when he allegedly grabbed her arm and swung her away.…

Angela Siler-FisherHouston, TX — Dr. Angela Siler-Fisher, medical director at Ben Taub Hospital’s Emergency Center and professor at Baylor College of Medicine, is facing criminal charges after apparently flippin’ her shit and going all Fatal Attraction on her husband’s mistress. Ok, a pussified version of Fatal Attraction, maybe…

According to authorities, 42-year-old Angela recently learned that her husband, Dr. Brandon Fisher, a radiologist, was getting a little on the side from yet another doctor, 35-year-old Marcelle Mallery, and went on a rampage. Fortunately for Mallery, Brandon called ahead and warned her of his wife’s intentions and she was able to remove herself and her children from the home.

Surveillance video captures Angela entering her rival’s home by kicking in a doggy door. Once inside, Angela showed her displeasure by dropping a trail of unused condoms (weak!) on the stairs leading to Mallery’s bedroom, and writing the words “whore” and “homewrecker” on the woman’s bathroom mirror in lipstick. Red lipstick. Cliche, much?

Angela then reportedly sent the woman a picture of her own bedroom, letting her know she had been there.…

Houston, TX – Okechukwu Ogbonu, a 47-year-old citizen of Nigeria, was arrested in Bush Intercontinental Airport on August 12th for allegedly attempting to smuggle about two pounds of heroin inside his bowels.

Records indicate that Ognonu flew from Nigeria to Dubai, stayed in Dubai for about seven days, and then took a flight to Houston.  Upon his arrival, Customs and Border Protection agents witnessed what they believed to be suspicious behavior; behavior they identified as that of a possible drug mule.

Judging from the amount of contraband he was reportedly smuggling, I imagine a man of color with a slightly bloated gut, a baby-step gait often adopted by victims of severe diarrhea, and a facial expression of sheer terror tinged with a hint of disgust.

After being questioned by agents, the man signed a consent form, allowing the agents to x-ray him.  Police reportedly identified multiple pellets containing an unknown substance filling his stomach and intestines.  He later expelled a latex-wrapped pellet which subsequently tested positive for heroin.

“This apprehension is an example of the commitment of CBP officers to disrupting alleged illegal activity that could pose a devastating threat to the American public,” said Jeffrey O.…

Houston, TX – Aida Hillen, 58, has been arrested after police say she hit a high school student with her car, tossed a religious pamphlet out of her window and drove off.

The incident happened October 14 around 5PM. Police say Hillen was driving near Milby High School when she struck a student. The student told police he was knocked to the ground by Hillen’s car. He reportedly told police that Hillen stopped, rolled down her window and asked if he was “okay.”

But when he said “no,” the student said Hillen tossed a Christian booklet at him and left the scene.

Another student who witnessed this reportedly ran after the car trying to flag Hillen down, but Hillen just waved “bye” at him and kept driving. That person wrote her license plate number down on his arm and called 911. The victim was treated and released, but a few days later had to go to the emergency room with chest pains – reportedly for bruised ribs.

Investigators said the student identified Hillen in a photo array that included her driver’s license picture.…

Rockdale, TX – A man whose bond was revoked yesterday reportedly pulled off a highway, slit his wrists, stripped naked, doused himself in gasoline, and set himself on fire later that same day. Gurgeet Singh (pronounced “sinj”), age 29, is now in a San Antonio burn unit with third-degree burns over 90% of his body.

Men in a local auto parts store reportedly saw Singh put his plan in action after pulling into the entrance of a nearby trailer park around 4:30PM. The witnesses notified police and then pulled Singh from his burning Honda two-door which he had gotten back into after setting himself on fire. Rockdale police said that Singh’s rescuers closed the car door after they pulled him out. That then starved the fire of oxygen and put the fire out.

“We found his passport and some other papers inside or we never would have been able to identify him,” Rockdale Police Lt. J.D. Newlin said.

Singh was reportedly charged last month with the aggravated assault of a family member with a knife on October 12.…

Houston, TX — Police say 21-year-old Michael Snowden was hanging out at the Freed-Montrose library on Friday, surfin’ the net for porn. While the library does have filters in place, officials believe Snowden managed to thwart ’em. Also at the library, a man and his two sons, ages 6 and 9. The man sent his sons into the restroom to change clothes for a swimming lesson and waited right outside the door for them. As the younger boy was undressing inside the stall, police say Snowden slithered under the door and sexually assaulted the kid. The boy screamed and both children ran from the bathroom. A quick thinking library employee locked the bathroom door, trapping Snowden inside. When police arrived, he was arrested and hauled off. Charged with sexual assault of a child, Snowden is being held on $15,000 bond. His priors include aggravated sexual assault of a child in 2005, and assault of a public servant.…

Houston, TX – Alex Duncan, 34, just recently reunited with his son, 6-year-old Tekarrious “T.K.” Jackson, this past May after being released from prison. Though T.K.’s mother, Lucy Adams, had some reservations about her ex, she says she’s never witnessed him behaving irrationally or violently and she wanted the child to get to know his biological father, so she agreed to let T.K. spend the summer with Duncan and his two half-sisters. “Last time when I talked with him, I remember his telling me he loves me and I love him too. And I asked him was he having fun and he was like, yeah, and he was playing with his sisters,” she said. She was informed of her son’s death on Sunday morning – authorities allege that the child died after hours of punishment doled out by his father and his father’s girlfriend, Tammyra Sampson. Police say Duncan would put the child to bed at 7:00 p.m., and if he didn’t fall asleep immediately, he would be beaten. T.K. was forced to kneel on the floor with his arms straight out.…

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