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Man, 67, Busted For Sucking On Dildo While Driving

February 19, 2013 at 8:38 am by  

dildo dogTrenton, MI — Well, hell, there isn’t a lot of information to this one, and no video that we know of, but you just know I couldn’t let this one go…..

According to a police report obtained by those beautiful people over at The Smoking Gun, a 67-year-old man was arrested last week after witnesses reported seeing him sucking on a dildo at a local park.

The responding officer, Sergeant Steve Allen, wrote in his report that upon his arrival at the scene, he was flagged down by an unidentified witness who pointed to a silver car in the parking lot and claimed that he/she had witnessed the driver of the vehicle sucking on a dildo as he drove past.

When Officer Allen approached the vehicle, he noticed what appeared to be a flesh-colored dildo on the passenger seat. He then asked the unidentified oldster, the only occupant in the vehicle, what, exactly, he was doing. The oldster apparently replied, “SUCKING ON A DILDO, I’M SORRY!

No, my caps lock isn’t busted….…

Emilio MendozaStamford, Connecticut — Emilio Mendoza, 27, apparently hates getting told what to do. And who doesn’t after moving out of your parents house!?

According to police, on Feb. 11th, Mendoza’s cousin/roommate, Ruiz Clemente-Pérez, asked him to turn the music down because he had to go to work in the morning. Oh, hell no! You are NOT going to mess with his jam. Mendoza then proceeded to punch Pérez in the head, police say.

At some point during the brawl, Mendoza allegedly bit Pérez’s left ear, tearing part of his earlobe off. Stamford Police Sgt. Richard Barbagallo told the press that an intoxicated Mendoza then swallowed the chunk of ear meat. No longer an empty stomach? Can keep on drinking.

Mendoza alleges that Pérez threw the first punch.

Pérez was hospitalized with a broken nose and fractured eye socket. Sadly, he also never made it to work the next morning since he was charged with third degree assault.

Mendoza’s bail was set at $100,000, and he was charged with first-degree assault, interfering with police, forgery and disorderly conduct.…

Strippers Cited In Fight Over Dollar Bill

January 19, 2013 at 2:25 am by  

monopoly-stripperJuneau, WI — Patrons at Silk Exotic Juneau Gentleman’s Club were treated to quite a show this week, after a couple of strippers got into a knock-down, drag-out fight over a single dollar bill.

Deputies responded to the club at about 9:30 Thursday night for a call about a fight. Upon their arrival, they learned that two of the dancers, ages 19 and 23, had gotten into a cat fight on stage over a dollar bill.

Seems a patron had attempted to give the bill to one of the dancers, but the other had a shit fit because she felt that she had earned that dollar.

Police say both women fell to the floor, punching and slapping each other. Giggity? It has also been reported that hair was pulled. Which, in reality, deserves a fork to the neck.

The fight was eventually broken up by customers and other dancers. I say ‘eventually’ because you know they let that shit roll for a minute.

Neither of the women required immediate medical attention, though one of them is preggers, and both were cited for disorderly conduct, which carries a $250 fine.…

Lawrence AdamczykRiverside, IL —  My, my… another repeat offender on the Dreamin’ Demon this morning.

Meet Lawrence Adamczyk – he made his first appearance here at the D’D in June of 2011, when he was accused of exposing himself and groping men at the X-Sport Fitness Club in St. Charles.

Larry (not even gonna try and type dude’s last name more than once… it’s like a tongue twister for my fingers) was apparently found guilty in that case, as a recent update mentions he was paroled in December of 2012 and was being monitored electronically. The same update also points out that Larry had previous arrests dating back to 2005, all similar and sexual in nature. But for whatever reason, he was not required to register as a sex offender.

Larry was confronted by security personnel at Riverside Brookfield High School Saturday morning while wandering about in a hallway that was closed and off-limits because of a boys’ swim meet, police said. The police were called and responding officers found Larry sitting on the bleachers, watching the competition.…

NoNookieChandler, AZ — A sexually frustrated woman was taken into custody Sunday after allegedly threatening to kill her husband because he wouldn’t give her any nookie.

Gloria Pratt, 53, reportedly called police to complain that she and her husband of two years were no longer having sex and she was upset, dammit.

When police arrived at the home that evening, they met with an allegedly intoxicated Pratt, who repeated the complaint. I’m guessing she didn’t explain the reasoning behind the man’s refusal to give her dick.

It was quite apparent that a crime had not been committed by either party, so the officers wished the couple good luck and left the home.

About a minute later, the responding officers glanced at the couple’s living room window and witnessed Pratt screaming “do something!” at her husband as he reclined on the couch.

According to police, Pratt then yelled, “I’m going to kill you!” before walking off to the kitchen. You know, where the pointy and poisony shit is stored….

The officers then had reason to arrest Pratt – they knocked on the couple’s door and detained her.…

CANTON, Ohio — The man who was filmed making fun of a 10-year-old disabled girl was sentenced to a month in jail, the max allowed, after pleading guilty to menacing and disorderly conduct.

William Bailey, 43, was charged after cell phone video made its way online that showed him and his 9-year-old son making fun of Hope Holcomb, a 10-year-old neighbor girl with cerebral palsy. The two families live next to each other and up until recently, their kids all got along and played together.

Hope’s mother said the trouble started with Bailey’s younger son bullying her daughter on the school bus. “She was miserable she didn’t want to ride the bus, cried every morning,” said Tricia Knight. ”He treats her like crap, and most recently the dad got involved.”

It was after the family called police regarding Bailey’s son and some damaged Halloween decorations in their yard that Hope’s grandmother decided to record any possible retaliation the following day at the bus stop. What she captured was William Bailey and his son walking away from the school bus with exaggerated limps.…

Cumberland, MD – Timothy Spiker, 32, was arrested for a rampage that was reportedly sparked by a lack of Internet connectivity.

Please don’t allow Spiker’s athletic garb fool you.  He probably doesn’t get out and run around much, judging from his mugshot, which indicates a soft, girthy build and reminds me far too much of Blaster from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. 

People who are accustomed to a sedentary, inactive lifestyle often become dependent upon the Internet for things such as masturbatory fodder, online role-playing games, images suitable for pole-stroking, tweeting misspelled opinions of the latest XBox releases, jacking off, searching for people who might accept a Facebook friend request, and finally, auto-ejaculatory hobbyism.  Did I forget downloading the latest Nickelback single?  When these needs are not met, things can sometimes get a bit dicey.

In any case, Spiker was reportedly so upset about his predicament that the police needed to be called.  When they arrived, at around 8:30 AM, they attempted to talk him down, and thought they had succeeded.  They left the residence, and then the fun began.…

Louisville, KY – James Crittenden, 46, was arrested on Saturday and charged with arson after allegedly setting a convenience store toilet seat on fire.

Police were called to the Speedway convenience store by employees who had confronted Crittenden in the restroom.  No word on any accelerant used, but I’m inclined to believe that toilet seats are not inherently flammable.  One can only hope that it was a fecal fire.  According to the police report, Crittenden told store employees that he lit the fire “for religious reasons.”

Police arrested Crittenden, who was, at the time of the arrest, screaming obscenities and threatening officers.  He was booked on charges of arson, disorderly conduct, and public intoxication.

Anyone who can point me in the direction of a religion that compels its followers to light toilet seats on fire should contact me immediately.  I am interested in joining, provided that it does not forbid masturbatory OCD “sufferers.”

Crittenden was also arrested on July 25th for allegedly huffing ten cans of Redi-Whip inside a ValuMarket at Mid City Mall, a store from which he’d previously been banned for burglary and disorderly conduct. …

West Hartford, CT – Jonathan Brink, 27, was arrested this weekend after brawling with police following a drunken quest for sex.

Brink, who was a guest in a house at 65 Arnold Way, was way horny this weekend.  Now, I think it’s pretty rude for any host to allow a guest to go sexually frustrated, but it apparently happens on occasion.  That must be why Brink reportedly walked to a neighboring house and pounded on the front door, announcing that he wanted to have sex with the homeowner’s wife.  He is not believed to have known that homeowner, nor his wife, which makes his proposal slightly out of the ordinary outside the state of Florida.

Brink left the home without attempting to break in, which leads me to believe that he did not deserve the anonymous sex he was seeking anyway.  When he returned to 65 Arnold Way, the object of his affections called the police.

When officers arrived, they reportedly found Brink highly intoxicated, obnoxious, and violent.  They say that he attempted to bite them and spit at them, which is no way to treat law enforcement officers unless you want to wind up looking like Brink’s mugshot. …

Portland, OR – Jamie Todd Hensler, 40, who had been booked on charges of assault, harassment, disorderly conduct and reckless endangering earlier this year, is facing new charges of misuse of a drinking fountain, indecent exposure and disorderly conduct after allegedly exposing himself and washing his genitals in a public park’s water fountain in the presence of children.

Witnesses report that Hensler had been attempting to engage children at the park in conversation and, at some point, threw a water balloon in their general direction.  It’s unclear what prompted his next act, which was reportedly to drop his pants to his ankles and begin washing his junk in the water fountain, though I strongly suspect that the “water balloon” may have been filled with another type of liquid and that the inflation technique had proven far from flawless.

“He was bathing in the drinking fountain and had his pants down around his ankles and he was totally exposing himself,” said witness Michael Koopman. “Once I saw that I asked the teacher to bring the kids inside.”

Hensler was soon arrested on the charges mentioned above and banned from the park. …

Cincinnati, OH — Charles Marshall, 28, was cited for disorderly conduct late Wednesday after employees at a health clinic found him masturbating with a teddy bear in an alley behind the clinic.

As is evident by the title, this isn’t Marshall’s first go-round with the police or a stuffed animal – this is his fourth time he’s been busted for buggerin’ a stuffed bear.

According to the fine folks over at The Smoking Gun, Marshall was first arrested in February of 2010, after witnesses reported seeing him going to town on a teddy bear in the men’s room of a public library. That charge prompted a judge to ban Marshall from all public libraries in Hamilton County.

He was slapped with similar charges in November of that year. The arresting officer in that particular case noted on the police report that Marshall’s public indecency with a teddy bear had been an “ongoing problem.”

He was arrested once more in August of 2011. Police accused him of masturbating with a teddy bear in a place where minors were likely present.…

Athens, GA — I normally wouldn’t post a shoplifting story, but because this woman has a fantabulous mugshot and a “shopping list” to die for, I figured I’d give it a go.

Meet Lonneshia Shafaye Appling – the 340-pound, 26-year-old woman was recently busted with a bag of pilfered goodies outside an Athens Piggly Wiggly supermarket.

According to the charging documents, another customer inside the store informed employees that she had witnessed Appling concealing numerous grocery items in a canvas bag as she perused the aisles.

When Appling approached the cash register and placed just one item on the belt, the employee questioned her about the other items allegedly concealed in her bag. And with that, Appling made a mad dash for the exit.

Employee Johnathon Orr was right on her heels, though, and when he attempted to stop the heifer from leaving the premises, he was rewarded with a dose of pepper spray to the face. When that didn’t take Orr down, Appling reportedly delivered a right hook and a loogie.…


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