CARY, NC – A North Carolina man convicted of manufacturing child pornography has been ordered to give his home and $250,000 to one of his victims.

We all know the downside of being exploited by a pervy adult and ending up in child pornography: the loss of innocence that can never be regained at the hands of a sick, scrofulous dirtbag that couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse.

As well as the mortification and shame of knowing that, no matter what you do, those pictures are out there forever, all for the disgusting delectation of a subhuman subset of society that would be best deprived of oxygen until that crazy ol’ Judgement Trumpet do a-blow.

But did you know that there’s an upside? Some child porn stars get Paid, with a capital P.

Okay, that’s bullshit. There is no upside.

But sometimes judges do take all of the molester’s property and give it to the victims. Just ask Adam Geoffrey Frankel with his funky-fresh tribal facial tats.

What tribe is he a member of, you ask?…

KENNEWICK, WA – Police have arrested a man after he was caught sexually assaulting an injured beaver that had been hit by a car.

On Monday evening, a woman at a Washington park saw a beaver get run over by a car. In an attempt to help the animal the woman wrapped it in a towel then went to her nearby home to retrieve a box to contain the animal.

When she returned a short time later she saw 35-year-old Richard Delp lying on top of the beaver. At first, she thought Delp was trying to help the animal.

Upon closer inspection, she was horrified to find the beaver was on its back and the man’s pants were unzipped, unbuttoned, and unbuckled. When she asked what he did to him, the man replied: “it’s not a him, it’s a her.

The woman called police who responded to the park and arrested Delp. There was nothing that could be done for the beaver as it died before police even got there.…

MOUNT VERNON, WA – Police arrested a man after he admitted to cutting off his girlfriend’s head in front of their 3-year-old daughter because God told him to.

Vanessa Cons, 27, and Timothy Hernandez, 32, lived together with their 3-year-old daughter at the home of Hernandez’s parents.

On Sunday Hernandez’s parents left to go to church. When they returned a few hours later they were greeted by a horrific site.

Cons was lying dead on the floor with her decapitated head positioned on her back like some kind of macabre art exhibit.

The couple called police to report what they had found while also letting them know their son and his daughter were not at the home.

When police arrived they found that, aside from having her head sawed off, Cons had also suffered multiple stab wounds to her back, neck and to the back of her head.

A butcher knife was found in the sink with a clean blade but with blood and hair on the handle.

Police would locate Hernandez with his daughter at the nearby Cascade Mall, where Hernandez would readily admit that he was responsible for killing Cons.…

MOGOCHINO, RUSSIA – News outlets in Russia are reporting that a 15-year-old used a chainsaw to decapitate himself after losing at a video game.

Now let me preface this with the fact that this story is coming from Russia, so who the hell knows what is actually factual or not.

I decided to put my Russian to the test (Google translate) and browsed some Russian news sites reporting on this incident. They are all pretty much copies of one another with similar details.

What’s being reported is that 15-year-old Pavel Matveev got so upset after losing a video game on his computer that he went into his backyard and used a chainsaw to decapitate himself.

Some have already called into question the validity of this claim as it doesn’t seem possible that anyone could chainsaw off their own head. Personally, if true, I would imagine it is all in the execution.

Like, you would have to rig it so it stayed running and stationary as you just kind of lay the back of your neck on the running blade.…

WINSTON-SALEM, NC – Two women were arrested after they recorded themselves letting three children smoke what appeared to be marijuana and posted the video on Facebook.

Idiots love Facebook.

They love to post the minutiae of their meaningless little lives. They love to post the drama that dominates their days, and the naughtiness that consumes their nights. But most of all, they like to post the incriminating evidence that ultimately will be their undoing.

Just ask these two nitwits from North Carolina.

Michaela Mary-Elizabeth Pearson, 21, and Candice Jasmine Little, 18, both of Winston-Salem, NC, got busted for being a bit too giving.

Winston-Salem is a town that made its fortune on the backs of tobacco smokers the world over, but these two were smoking something else when they got the bright idea to share their stash with the young children that they were babysitting.

So share they did, getting an 18-month-old, a 2-year-old and a 3-year-old nice and blunted, because nothing screams “responsible babysitter” like returning the kids you have been watching higher than they were when you got them.…

CHARLESTON, WV – A television meteorologist has been charged with battery after she cracked the skull of her station’s news anchor during an argument over a man.

According to police, WSAZ-TV news anchor Erica Bivens was at a bar drinking with her husband when they ran into the station’s weather girl, 26-year-old Chelsea Ambriz.

Ambriz, who worked with Bivens on the 4 p.m. forecast, allegedly began flirting with Bivens’ husband. He turned her down and went back to stand with his wife.

When he told her what had just happened, Bivens walked over to Ambriz and confronted her. Ambriz became physically aggressive and started pushing Bivens.

Both women grappled and ended up falling near the bar, causing Bivens to suffer a fractured skull and a ruptured eardrum.

Bivens told police she had problems with Ambriz being aggressive with her in the past.

Ambriz was arrested and charged with misdemeanor battery and now facing a year in jail if convicted. Ambriz told friends she has been suspended from her job.…

YORK COUNTY, SC – York County investigators said they’ve arrested and charged a woman with murder after she poisoned her husband with eye drops.

On July 21, the body of 64-year-old Steven Clayton was found dead in the foyer of his home he shared with his wife, 52-year-old Lana Sue Clayton.

It was believed he had fallen down the stairs and died from his injuries.

So you can imagine the shock that came to his friends and family when the toxicology results came back from his autopsy.

Steven Clayton, the man known for his “big personality” and retiring in 1995 after founding a national company, had been poisoned.

Police say Clayton had poisonous levels of tetrahydrozoline, the chemical found in eye drops, in his body at the time of his death.

During questioning, his wife admitted she had been poisoning her husband with eye drops in the three days prior to his death. She was arrested and charged with murder and unlawful malicious tampering of food.

Steven’s family provided the following statement:

“The family is shocked and mortified at the cause of Steven’s death.

ANCHORAGE, AK — A mother has been charged with murder after two of her baby daughters die two years apart.

Last November, 23-year-old Stephany LaFountain called emergency services to report her 13-month-old daughter was not breathing.

The girl was taken to the hospital where she would die four days later. It would later be determined that the girl had died from lack of oxygen to the brain.

Looking into LaFountain’s past, investigators learned that she had lost another daughter in a similar fashion two years prior.

In 2015, while in a relationship with a different man, LaFountain had a 4-month-daughter that died. Police did not believe the death was the result of foul play at that time.

But now? After LaFountain had lost two baby girls in the same way within two years?

“The autopsy results and medical records for both children showed that they were entirely healthy, with no genetic abnormalities, no diseases, and no injuries,” police stated in a news release.

Investigators started to focus their attention on LaFountain and decided to check out her Internet activity.…

SPARTANBURG, SC – Police have arrested two funeral home owners after the decomposing body of a woman was found in a storage room three years after she was supposed to be cremated.

Family First Funeral Home in Spartanburg, South Carolina is a wacky place. Just ask anyone who works there… if you can find them.

I’m sure they could tell you some stories.

A former employee told one such tale to Spartanburg County authorities. No details have been released about the complaint, but it led to an investigation of Family First by the county coroner’s office and state labor officials.

While searching the Family First facility on Chesnee Highway, officials found the body of 63-year-old Mary Moore, who had died in 2015.

She should have been cremated in 2015 too. That’s how it’s supposed to work.

Apparently, staff ignored the agreement that Moore’s family made with the Greenwood, SC branch of Family First. Rather than cremating her remains, they just covered her with blankets and put her in a storage room at the Spartanburg facility.…

FUQUAY-VARINA, NC – Police serving an eviction order at a home had to call firefighters equipped with hazardous-materials because of the intense smell of shit and piss inside the house.

There’s stink, and then there’s stank.

Stink is “it smells like something died.”

Stank is “it smells like something crawled up in an unwiped ass, took a shit, and died.”

Just ask the poor bastards who had to evict a less-than-fastidious female from her dogshit-defiled domicile in good old Fuquay-Varina, North Carolina.

Police went to remove a 50-year-old tenant from a house on Monday morning and encountered an odor so malevolent and vile that they had to execute a tactical retreat and call for backup.

The small house contained no furniture, but what it lacked in chattel it more than made up for in critters.

Specifically, it contained “14 dogs, eight cats, two rabbits and two ferrets” and enough animal waste to hold the cops at bay indefinitely.

They said “fuck it.”

Firefighters wearing haz-mat gear were required to extract the animals from the house; Wake County Animal Control officers wouldn’t get any closer than the yard.…

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Man has admitted to killing a city employee and neighbors’ pets after he was told to clean up his yard.

It doesn’t matter where you go, or how nice the neighborhood is, there’s always one asshole fucking it up for everyone else.

Uncut yard, shit strewn everywhere, broken-down cars: each and every one a middle finger to the rest of the poor bastards that have to live nearby. And they’re always complete shits about it, too.

Kevin Wayne Billings is that asshole. And he likes it that way. Enough to split somebody’s wig over it.

If it wasn’t for assholes like Billings, we wouldn’t have to have municipal codes. Or municipal code enforcement officers. But then Billings had his own solution to this last problem.

Neighbors apparently got tired of looking at his shitty yard and all the “unregistered” (read: junk) vehicles parked atop it. The West Valley City, Utah code enforcement bureaucrats received multiple complaints about Billing’s deficient domicile and he was notified of the code violations on July 24th.…

DRAPER, UT – A couple are accused of running a drug operation out of their home and feeding their toddlers pot to keep them quiet.

Jacob Francis Sickler, 28, and Katie Jennifer Blackham, 40, are entrepreneurs. And they figured out a revolutionary way to keep the kids from fussin’!

Unfortunately for them, they are likely to go to jail for their innovative new approach. And their business.

It seems that authorities in Draper, Utah take a dim view of freelance special-brownie-peddlin’. Who’d have guessed?

You’d think that it was all the bragging about their brilliant business venture that set the cops wise to the Dynamic Duo, but it was actually family members. Plural.

It seems that relatives were concerned enough about the couple’s three- and four-year-old children to drop dime on them, telling the Division of Child and Family Services that the kids were exposed to drug use, were dirty and unkempt, and were losing weight due to the neglect.

Neglected kids are often fussy, but not these two; the Wonder Twins were feeding the wee ones weed to keep them quiet.…


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