MESA, AZ — A woman in Arizona has been accused of stabbing her husband in the back after the couple got into an argument over one of those dumbass Cosmo quizzes.

Noelle Clough, 23, called police on Monday saying that her husband was cut in the back and needed stitches. According to the police report, while she was on the phone she said her husband was choking her so she stabbed him.

When police arrived they found Clough’s husband suffering from a stab wound to the back. When police approached Clough, she informed them that she was a monster and asked to be shot and locked up forever. She told the responding officers that she and her husband had been drinking for a while when they began arguing over a Cosmo quiz and ex-lovers.

She said that the argument became more heated and that her husband threw two knives on the kitchen floor and instructed her to stab him. As he was walking away, she says she meant to cut her husband with a 4-inch blade paring knife, but accidentally stabbed him instead.…

Peoria, AZ – Three men, Eduardo Mercado (pictured), Rueben Diaz, and Julian Tamayo, aged 20, 21, and 26, respectively, were reportedly up to no good on Saturday, stealing two paddle boats owned by Maricopa Water District while high on crystal meth.  The incident occurred on a small pond just south of Lake Pleasant.

According to police, the three men tied the two boats together and paddled out onto the pond.  However, Mercado is believed to have become frustrated with Diaz, who was paddling in the opposite direction of his acquaintances

It was at that point that Mercado allegedly did what any clear-thinking individual would do in such a situation, pushing Diaz into the water, preventing him from re-boarding, jumping in himself, and holding Diaz’s head under the water’s surface until he was good and dead, causing his lifeless body to sink to the bottom.

Tamayo apparently remained in his boat the entire time, agreeing with me that Diaz’s punishment was a fitting one.  Police say witnesses at a nearby facility saw the men in the water and called police. …

Phoenix, AZ – Phoenix police arrested the mother of a 5-week-old baby who was found in a car seat in the middle of a city intersection. This after the mother reportedly forgot that she placed the infant on the roof of the car and drove off.

By all accounts, Catalina Clouser, 19, was already having a rough day. After reportedly smoking marijuana with her boyfriend and others at a city park, she and her boyfriend went on a 11PM beer run. They took her 5-week-old baby along for the ride. During that trip, Clouser’s boyfriend was pulled over and arrested for aggravated DUI.

Understandably distraught, our new mother Clouser drove her baby to her friend’s home to drown her sorrows in ‘one or two more bowls’ of marijuana. According to her friends, Clouser and her baby left around midnight. Police say that Clouser placed the baby’s car seat on the roof of her car and, forgetting about it, got in and drove off.

Despite having survived 5 full weeks with its mother already, the baby – surprisingly – did not manage to hold on through the turn at the corner of 45th Avenue and Cholla Street and ended up in the intersection.…

Mesa, AZ – William Null, 41, has pleaded guilty to second-degree murder and two counts of burglary following the November 15th beating death of his aunt, 62-year old Cynthia Pesek.  It seems as though a 3-day argument over cigarettes prompted him permanently end their relationship.

The story begins as all good ones do; with a $50 carton of Indian-reservation-bought cigarettes and a dude with a soul-patch.  According to reports, Null had asked his neighbor to purchase the cigarettes for him.  However, when they delivered the smokes, he wasn’t able to reimburse them.  Pesek picked up the tab which, as far as I’m concerned, is the thoughtful thing to do when your deadbeat live-in nephew can’t pay for his own filthy habit.

This apparently wounded Null’s completely unfounded pride.  He was reportedly embarrassed by the whole affair but, instead of beating himself up over it all, it seems he reversed the blame, placing it squarely on Pesek.  The two argued over the incident for days until finally, with the aid of Mountain Dew and vodka, Null beat the living snot out of his aunt with a 48-inch wooden stick he would subsequently bury in the backyard.…

PHOENIX, AZ — Police in Phoenix are looking for a man who police say raped and tortured a woman in her apartment throughout the night, even forcing her to drink bleach.

According to police, the attacker entered the 56-year-old victim’s apartment through a back door last Friday, then proceeded to torture and rape her repeatedly throughout the night. He even forced her to drink bleach. The victim told police he smoked meth all night and told her that when he was finished with her, he was going to kill her.

He was never able to follow through with that because a cab driver knocked on the victim’s door the following morning to take her to a scheduled doctor’s appointment. The suspect was taking a shower at the time, allowing the victim to flee the apartment as her attacker ran away. The cab driver then called 911.

“She came out nude, bounded with her arms tied and her mouth gagged — she was unable to speak,” said cab driver Gerardo Reyes.…

Albuquerque, NM – New Mexico sheriff’s deputies have arrested a man suspected of impersonating a police officer in multiple jurisdictions around Albuquerque. This after reports of a self-described “undercover officer” making suspicious traffic stops and having an odd confrontation with some teenage boys.

Bernalillo County sheriff’s deputies reported arresting Joseph Hannah, 34, after two women reported separate incidents of being pulled over by a man in a black mustang – complete with flashing police lights.  The man, later identified as Hannah, reportedly showed the women his gun, told them he worked undercover, and then proceeded to flirt with them.

Investigators said that Hannah also stopped his Mustang – with activated lights – at an Albuquerque home where a group of teens were playing ball out front.

“He showed me a badge and a gun so I bought it,” said one of the boys, age 15, of Hannah’s claim to be a police officer.

The boy described the encounter with Hannah – who initially remained in his vehicle – as ‘light-hearted’ but then becoming ‘scary’ when Hannah became irritated.…

Mesa, Arizona — We first reported on Brandon Jones back in April of last year after he was charged with videotaping himself sexually abusing children. Last Thursday, he was sentenced to 35 years in prison.

Jones was initially charged with sexually abusing a 5-year-old boy, but then later had additional counts added after investigators found video on his laptop of him molesting the 5-year-old boy, a 4-year-old girl and a 1-year-old girl.

Police determined both girls were being cared for by Jones’ sister while he was living with her. Jones told police that he was making the videos as a favor to a friend of his in Boston.

Jones was charged with 27 counts of child molestation, but only pleaded guilty to one count of child molestation and four amended counts of attempted molestation.

In addition to the 35 years in prison, he is expected to serve 15 years and a life time of probation after serving his sentence.…

Phoenix, AZ – Jaded first reported on 35-year-old Angela Simpson back in 2009 when she was accused of torturing and murdering 46-year-old Terry Neely, a disabled man that had been missing for three days.  Simpson would eventually make a callous jailhouse confession and has now pleaded guilty to first-degree murder.

Neely had been last seen after he left an assisted-care facility in his wheelchair. During her jailhouse confessions, Simpson admitted she lured the man to her apartment.

“I killed Terry by deceptively luring him to apartment 201. Sitting him down and beating him with various objects until he was unconscious and then I slit his throat. How long did I beat him? 45 minutes…an hour…well I killed him and cut him up,” Simpson admitted.

Police say she did a lot more than just beat the man. Simpson also pulled out Neely’s teeth, stabbed him close to 50 times, drove a nail into his head, bashed him with a tire iron, and strangled him.

She told police that after Neely was dead, she partied a bit before chopping him up.…

Phoenix, AZ – Sergio Velderrain, 31, was arrested by Phoenix police faster than you can spell D-U-M-B-A-S-S after admitting to drinking Four Loko and then urinating on his 4-month-old son’s face and body.

The baby’s mother, Jennifer Velderrain, told a local news reporter that she woke up after hearing what sounded like running water.

“I looked over and he was in the corner peeing all over [our] son,” said Jennifer.

Jennifer Velderrain said she jumped out of bed and grabbed their son, Greyson, who she said was choking because Velderrain had peed on his face and mouth causing his airway to be blocked. Jennifer Velderrain said her husband then told her “now he has something to remember his dad by.” You can see a photo of the little pee-soaked snookums here.

Jennifer Velderrain said that she immediately called 911, telling her husband “He would have something to remember too for a long time – that he did that to his son.”

Police arrested Sergio Velderrain after finding him at a nearby apartment.…

Phoenix, AZ – An Iraqi mother is back in jail without bond on charges of assault against her 19-year-old daughter for allegedly beating the girl with a shoe while she was tied to a bed. Yusra Farhan was recently asked in court to explain her actions.

“I swear I didn’t hit her – only slightly, like any parent would do to their children,” answered Farhan.

So, you can see that this is going to go well for her. But, let’s back up a bit, shall we…

Last November, police were first contacted about an alleged assault of Farhan’s daughter, 19-year-old Aiya Altameemi, at the hands of Farhan and another daughter. Officer James Holmes with the Phoenix Police Department said that, in that incident, Farhan and the girl’s 18-year-old sister “held this young lady down while mom took a hot spoon and burned her on the face and on the chest.” Holmes said the burning resulted in a scar on the teen’s chest. The reason…

“The family wanted her to participate in a pre-arranged marriage with a 38-year-old male,” said Officer Holmes.…

Police: Alleged Rapist Gave Victim His Phone Number

January 27, 2012 at 10:20 am by  

Chandler, AZ — A moron suspected of raping a woman earlier this month was recently taken into custody after police learned he gave the victim his phone number after the alleged assault.

Rafael Chavez, 21, was arrested on charges of sexual assault and kidnapping this week after police tracked him down via telephone.

The victim told police she was walking home from work January 14, when Chavez pulled up beside her in his tan Honda Accord. He reportedly asked how she was doing and offered her a ride. When the woman declined his gracious offer, she said Chavez pulled over and “placed her in a tight hug, pushing her against a nearby building, [while] kissing her.”

The woman told police Chavez forced her into his vehicle, but because she was scared, she didn’t put up a fight. He then parked the car in an alley behind a fast-food restaurant and raped her. When he was through with her, police say he returned her to the spot where he first confronted her and handed over his digits.…

Phoenix, AZ — Due to popular demand, I bring you Russell Hofstad — a mentally disturbed transient accused of skinning, gutting and eating a cat, later using the critter’s tail, liver and entrails as a fashion accessory.

Hofstad was arrested Wednesday after the owner of a local warehouse/music venue discovered he had been camping inside the building. When police arrived on scene, Hofstad stood before them with a painted face, bloodshot eyes and cat parts wrapped around his neck. He also appeared to be under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.

When questioned about the bloody pile of cat pulp lying on the floor next to a pair of clippers and a screwdriver, Hofstad reportedly told police he killed the cat because he was hungry.

He hit the critter with a stick, he said, then stabbed it and skinned it with a butter knife. The cat’s organs were placed in a cooler, presumably for later consumption, and the skeleton was set aside for future use as a party decoration.

The owner of the warehouse told police Hofstad had admitted to eating more than just one pussy.…

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