ISLETON, Calif. – A lot of things wrong with this story, but we will start with why 19-year-old Kimo Acoo was charged with animal cruelty the other day. He was sleeping at his girlfriend’s house when her two kids, age 7 and 10, accidentally woke him up. Enraged, Acoo picked up the boy’s Siamese kitten and threw it as hard as he could into a bedroom door, killing it. But I kinda jumped the gun…the kitten didn’t die immediately. The boys wrapped the mortally wounded kitten in a towel and ran outside looking for a paramedic. Unable to locate one the two boys made their way to city hall where they asked the police cheif Rick Sullivan to save their cat. “The boys were very upset,” Sullivan said. “It had shallow breathing and sometimes convulsed. It was obviously injured.” Sadly, the kitten had not yet developed its demonic powers and died. The distraught boys told the police what had happened, leading to Acoo being questioned. He admitted to throwing the cat but said it wasn’t out of anger, it was because he was in the mood for some handball.…

LAKELAND, Fla. – Police have charged a man with animal cruelty after they say he chucked a cat off a 2nd-story balcony. Timothy Joseph Baggett, 26, stated that the cat used to live with him and his fiance but after it had a litter of kittens it had become aggressive. As a result, the kittens were found homes and the cat was made to live outside. But on Saturday, the cat ran inside the apartment and Baggett lost it. “I’m not a bad guy. I made a mistake and this is something out of the ordinary for me,” Baggett told The Ledger. “I grew up around pets … I’ve always been a pet-friendly person. It’s just a really bad day.” Can’t say I blame the guy much as I’m sure the cat ran in to attack them and was just about to start flying around the room shooting lasers from its eyes. After being tossed over the balcony, the cat demonstrated its demonic powers after cracking the windshield of a parked car by running off (probably laughing) with no injuries aside from a bloody nose.…

Long Island, NY – On May 22, Thomas Gorman and Roark Xanthos, both 18, found a 12-pound snapping turtle on the side of the road. The pair transported the turtle to a friend’s house and asked if he wanted it, but the friend declined. According to police, Gorman and Xanthos then waited around until said friend left the house. Once the coast was clear, the dynamic duo moseyed on out to the back yard and began constructing a fire pit with rocks. Once that little task was finished, they tossed the turtle into the pit, doused it with gasoline and lit a match. Once the turtle was nice and crispy, the sadistic twats decided to put it out of it’s misery by stabbing it through it’s shell with a metal pole. The morons then left the scene, leaving the turtle behind. The friend’s family called police after they discovered the turtle carcass in their yard. A necropsy performed on the critter also found that it was covered in melted plastic, leading Sgt.…

Hudson, NY– I will never understand why some idiots even bother to get a pet when they obviously lack the dedication, love, and compassion required to take care of the animal. On May 29, an investigator from the Columbia-Greene Humane Society responded to a complaint of a dog starving in an apartment. The CGHS investigator found a young dog starving inside a small crate, without food or water, at the home of 26-year-old Rainer Blue and 22-year-old Lauren King. The young dog, now named Rufus, was taken to CGHS where he was examined by a veterinarian and found to be emaciated, and in very poor overall condition. “Had he gone another day without food or water, he would’ve most certainly died of malnutrition,” said said CGHS president Ron Perez.. Rufus has already gained weight and is expected to make a full recovery. The Hudson Police Department arrested Rainer Blue and Lauren King and they were each charged with one count of animal cruelty, “Failure to Provide Proper Sustenance.” If convicted, Blue and King each face up to a year in jail and a $1,000 fine.…

EVANS, Colo. – You know, I didn’t think anyone would top Jaded’s Thursday ritual of drinking box wine and then driving naked around the neighborhood on a riding lawnmower while flicking lit cigarettes at children, but I am pretty sure 21-year-old Gary Carville has her beat. Police say that on Thursday, Carville got into a fight with his girlfriend stemming from the fact that their 10-month-old puppy named “Midnight” kept waking him up with his early-morning barking. He also wasn’t happy with her stupid decision to give up smoking cigarettes and weed because, well, she’s pregnant. After smashing his bong and cutting his hand, Carville grabbed his woman by the throat while punching his girlfriend’s mother a couple times when she tried to intervene. But he wasn’t done yet. Carville then took Midnight and tossed his ass off a bridge and into the South Platte River. The police report has the girlfriend stating she saw the dog “flip” out of Carville’s hands as they drove over the river, and then she “heard it splash.” She added that when they went back over the bridge they saw the puppy trying to swim, but sadly no one has seen the dog since.…

Daily Bites

June 3, 2010 at 4:45 pm by  
  • Another day, another bunch of idiots. Should have figured that yesterday was just the calm before the storm. There was so much terrible shit going on in the news today that we just didn’t have time to get to it all. Here is a small sampling:
  • PEARLAND, Texas – A woman was attacked by two pit bulls outside of her home and she and her husband are claiming that the only reason that she is alive today is because of their cat, Lima. It wasn’t until Lima jumped into the fight that the dogs were distracted long enough for the woman to be dragged into the house.
  • DICKINSON, Texas – Some kids suffered minor chemical burns after one of their dumbass classmates mixed something (more than likely toilet bowl cleaner) with aluminum foil underneath the gym bleachers. The 13-year-old was arrested and charged with arson. You almost made it to the end of the year, kid.
  • RIVERVIEW, Fla – Michael Major was arrested after some fellow motorists witnessed him tossing three live kittens out of his car window, running over one of them.

STAUNTON, Va. – A woman called 911 and told them that her boyfriend, 21-year-old Bruce Jamar Walston, had just killed her kitten in front of her two children. Police say that Walston got flew into a rage when the kitten disconnected the video game he was playing. He was so pissed that he picked up the kitten and threw it against a wall, killing it. He has been charged with misdemeanor animal cruelty and disorderly conduct. But I doubt this will phase him much even though he was already free on bond in connection with a January breaking and entering charge. In that case he and another man are accused of kicking in the door of an apartment and beating a man with a vacuum sweeper. Looking at his cross-eyed mugshot, it is also very likely that he may have simply gotten angry and was attempting to toss a throw pillow into another room.…

When I mentioned in the forums that I just didn’t have the stomach to watch the video related to this case, forum member redsaid stepped up and wrote the following. Welcome to the FP, redsaid, and thanks. ~Lizard

Plains City/Marysville, OH – A video from animal rights group Mercy for Animals (warning: visiting their Web site takes you directly to the video) shows the true-life horrors of just being a cow in the presence of 25-year-old Billy Joe Gregg, Jr., who was mebbe learnin’ hisself how to become a cop by beating cows and calves with crow bars, stabbing them with pitchforks, and punching them with his fists. The video clearly shows this fine gentleman picking up a very young calf and throwing it to the ground and then stomping on its head. Then the heartless fuck kicks it in the mouth while its down. Good experience for a cop. You know those brand-new baby cows are such a threat to society! “Enough!” you say? Not for Billy Joe.…

Daily Bites

May 27, 2010 at 5:00 pm by  
  • Well, I want to thank me for all the hard work I did today. I did an amazing job and I don’t know what I would do without me. Thanks, me, I am a true gentleman and a scholar. Maybe later I will show me my appreciattion with a nice steak and a handjob. Until then, here are a few stories I didn’t have time to get to.
  • JACKSONVILLE BEACH, Fla. – Floridians continue to show true class after Jacquelyn Tinsley was involved in a hit and run where she slammed her van into a car carrying three people. She drove home and forced her 15-year-old son to take the van away so she could report it stolen – which she did. Florida cops, used to this kind of retardation by now, were not buying it. The teen finally admitted the truth and told police where the van was. His mother was arrested, but still spouted her innocence and blamed her son. “Absolutely not. It was all his fault. I had nothing to do with it,” Tinsley said.

Man Charged After Hanging His Dog

May 27, 2010 at 8:56 am by  

HAWTHORNE, Calif. – What are the odds that I would have two stories today featuring dogs peering out from behind bars? Who cares. This story does not involve a pit bull raping kids in a day care, but rather a pit bull who was saved after neighbors observed its owner abusing it. Neighbors heard the yelps of pain and screaming coming from the home of 19 year old Ricardo Salvador Plascenia. When one went to investigate, they witnessed Plascenia slam a 50 pound pit bull, named Mary Jane, onto the concrete. He then punched and kicked Mary Jane before treating her like some kind of flag; hoisting her onto a pole by her choke chain. By time police got there the dog had been taken down, but luckily one of the neighbors captured the entire event on cell phone video. Plascenia was arrested Monday and booked on charges of animal cruely and cultivation of marijuana. Mary Jane was taken to the Carson animal shelter where she will eventually be put up for adoption.…

The Daily Bites

May 26, 2010 at 4:08 pm by  
  • I guess it’s a good day when there isn’t much bad news to report. Here are a couple other stories that were floating around today.
  • BURRELL TWP., PA – Two teenage census workers were assaulted by a 43-year-old man who wanted them OFF HIS GODDAMN LAWN!! Timothy Cowan has been accused of chasing the two off his property and then following them in their vehicle. When the teens, an 18-year-old male and a juvenile female, ran off the road, Cowan reached in and grabbed one teen around the neck and threatened to punch the girl in the face.
  • LOUISVILLE, KY – 50-year-old Glen B. Altman was arrested after witnesses observed him masturbating in full view of children at a food mart. He then went outside by a pay phone and continued to jack off because I mean, once you’ve started you might as well finish – it’s not like the charges get worse at that point. He’s a handsome guy, you should check out his mugshot. He has also been in trouble for this kind of thing before, having been charged with indecent exposure at least three times before and two counts of stalking.

The Daily Bite

May 25, 2010 at 4:20 pm by  
  • Another day, another day I made a shitload of money. Keeping it short and sweet as I got to go finish planning my assault on Fort Mercer.
  • WICHITA, KS – A Wichita man has been arrested for allegedly attacking a man’s miniature dachshund with an ax. Police found the man in the area and arrested him for animal cruelty. No word on why he attacked the dog — which was still alive at the time I typed this out.
  • HILLSBOROUGH, NC – Demario Atwater agreed to plead guilty to first-degree murder, first-degree kidnapping, and armed robbery – effectively removing the death penalty from the table and making sure that tax payers take care of him for the rest of his life. He and another man killed UNC Student Body President Eve Carson. She was taken from her home, driven around to various ATM’s before Atwater used a sawed-off 12-gauge shotgun to kill her. Fire that prosecutor.
  • NEW CITY, NY – A good Samaritan tried to break up a fight between two dog owners at Kennedy-Dells Park and was bitten by one of the men involved.

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