In The Mean Time...

Hey, wondering where we went? No worries, we are just changing format and conducting some testing before we flip the switch. For now, you can get all of our new stuff by clicking here.. We aren't quite ready to switch quite yet, but the end result will be a continuous flow of dark and often day-wrecking content from our regular authors as well as other members. It's a work in progress and we are still working on some design and function stuff, but the updated content is now coming through.

The Zombie Invasion Has Begun

October 26, 2009 at 9:16 am by  

IOWA CITY, Iowa – Don’t say that some of us have not been warning you guys for a long, long time. One of our field operatives was almost arrested after attempting to exterminate a zombie in Iowa City. The zombie was spotted inside a restaurant south of the University of Iowa campus. Our agent feared for the safety of the living public and attempted to incapacitate the zombie by punching it in the face. This is not standard procedure, as noted in our Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead, but the agent attempted to punch the zombie in the face a second time, breaking its nose. Our agent was able to flee with is life, while the zombie was last seen being transported to a “hospital” – or more likely the government facility it had escaped from. We will keep you informed of all the latest developments regarding the beginning of man’s destruction by the zombie horde. And agents, please read your handbooks. There are right ways and wrong ways to attack a zombie.…

WILTON, Calif.I had about 50 different titles for this article, but decided the name of this gay men’s group was too perfect. This organization has pissed off a Wilton man who shot some video of this group dancing  “naked under the stars” across from his home. Dance contestants’ names were called out as they proudly exposed their frank and beans. Even though they had a legal permit for the event that was being held on a lot that will soon hold Christmas trees, Milton Stanley doesn’t care. “I was sickened by seeing men on public display there…in clear view of children,” said Stanley. Prosecutors are unsure if any charges will be filed, as they would have had to been able to be seen from a public road in order for any type of indecent exposure charges to stick. You can see the video after the jump. It includes some blurry footage of a man who looks like a dude from the Village People in it.…

Davie, Florida – In 1997, Luke Petruschke, 38, was facing a couple of sex related charges – he was acquitted. Four years later, he was back in court facing charges of lewd and lascivious molestation – the charges in that case were dropped. Lucky guy, huh? Let’s fast forward to the here and now. Luke spent the night at a friend’s home Friday evening and was preparing to leave Saturday morning when the friend’s 3-year-old son informed his parents that Luke had fondled him during the night. It was at that exact moment that Luke’s luck ran the hell out. The child’s father, Manuel Vega, and a neighbor, Krish Carter, got all vigilante-like on the alleged kiddy diddler. …

TITUSVILLE, Florida. – Here’s a really fucked up one to start your Friday. Christina Mcintyre was arrested Thursday for the attempted murder of her 11-month-old son. What is heinous about this story is how she went about doing it. On Oct 6th, her 2-year-old son had stacked blankets and a bean bag chair on his little brother and then climbed on top and started jumping up and down. Police are not clear on whether Christina encouraged the older boy to do this, but regardless – she did not stop him. In fact, she waited until the little boy stopped breathing for a full minute before calling 911. She informed them that she would let them decide if the infant lived or died while lying to them about giving the boy CPR. Paramedics eventually arrived and were able to revive the boy. It gets crazier. …

Phil’s Kindergarten Class Ages 4-7

October 22, 2009 at 3:31 pm by  

KANSAS CITY, Mo – James Phillip “Phil” Edwards, 60, is one happy looking sumbitch, huh? Surprising since a grand jury just indicted him on child pornography charges. This is one sick fuck, people. Not just because he was distributing child porn, but because of how he was making it. He would lace drinks and ice cream with Ambien, and give them to girls between the ages 0f 6 and 11. While unconscious, he would strip them and take photos and videos of them. Police seized his computer after they allege he advertised child porn on the Internet. They found images and video of the unconcious girls in folders titled Consuming the date rape drug and  Phil’s kindergarten class ages 4-7. Even worse is the fact that he does not feel he has done anything wrong. “His view is that society places arbitrary lines (as in age restrictions) around sexual conduct, with which he doesn’t agree,” Assistant U.S. Attorney Katharine Fincham wrote in the motion.…

ST. MARTINS, Missouri – Here we go, another little girl has vanished while walking home. Maybe this will end differently than the Somer Thompson disappearance. At 6:15 p.m. Wednesday, 9-year-old Elizabeth Olten was walking the quarter mile home from a friend’s house in the 600 block of Route D south of St. Martins. She never arrived at her home. The Cole County Sheriff’s Department has issued an Endangered Person Advisory. Olten is a white, 9-year-old female. She is 5′ 2″ and 108 lbs. with brown hair, brown eyes and a fair complexion with physical marks. She was last seen wearing a pink scarf, pink shirt and pink sweater and blue jeans with white sneakers. She was also carrying a cell phone. The sheriff’s department contacted the cell phone provider, AT&T, who “pinged” the cell phone to triangulate its location. AT&T put the cell phone’s location deep in the woods near Elizabeth’s home. The girl’s family members said she is afraid of the woods and the dark.…

The projectionist could’ve run this film backwards, and I don’t think I would’ve noticed. Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant is a Hollywood attempt to massage author Darren Shan’s 12-part saga of vampires and teenagers into a viable, cash-cow franchise. Spanning the first three novels, Assistant doesn’t tell a story as much as it hurls everything that isn’t nailed down against the wall to see what sticks. Labored and often tedious, the picture is a friendly stab at Burtonesque macabre antics, but director Paul Weitz is in way over his head trying to juggle huge portions of the grotesque and the epic. 16-year-old Darren (Chris Massoglia) is an average teen with good grades and a love for spiders. Finding a flyer for the Cirque du Freak sideshow, Darren decides to attend with impulsive best friend Steve (the limited Josh Hutcherson), finding …

Hastings, Minnesota – Peter Robert Stibal II, 44, and Boy Scout troop leader, has been charged with six counts of criminal sexual conduct in the second degree after three Boy Scouts accused him of sexual molestation. Between 2002 and 2008, it is alleged that Stibal gave several boys in his troop — some as young as 11 — handjobs, blowjobs or both. These incidents happened at various locations including Boy Scout camp, movie theaters, Stibal’s cabin and his home. During their investigation, police also found child pornography on Stibal’s computer. Boy Scout leaders have removed Stibal from his position as Scout Master of Troop 650, a position he has held since 2003. Before that he was the troop’s assistant Scout Master for three years. So it is understandable that police feel that there may be more victims. This guy has been around children for a long time. If you read the complaint below, it seems as if he has the same pattern. Get their trust, wait for them to fall asleep and then start jacking them off – wing it.…

BRUSLY, Louisiana – A family began to suspect that someone was peeping into the window of their 16-year-old’s daughter’s bedroom window. They initially thought it may just be kids playing a prank, but to be on the safe side they contacted police. A hidden camera was installed outside the home to hopefully capture the culprit(s) the family felt had been lurking around the home. What they ended up recorded was equal parts disturbing, pathetic and hilarious. Well, hilarious to me. What they captured was 22-year-old Charles Kazmir peeping into the teen’s window. With his pants off. Jacking off. Charles Kazmir later admitted to looking into the girl’s bedroom and bathroom windows on seven different occasions. Kazmir has been charged with seven counts of criminal trespassing, obscenity, voyeurism, peeping tom and criminal mischief. I am sure his parents are extremely proud of their son and any chance he may have had scoring with chicks in his area just fell about a bazillion points.…

Faleh Hassan Almaleki Ran Over His Daughter

October 22, 2009 at 8:30 am by  

Peoria, Arizona – Police are looking for 48-year-old Faleh Hassan Almaleki for what he has been accused of doing to his daughter. Reportedly upset over his 20-year-old daughter becoming too “Westernized” and straying a bit too far from their Iraqi family values – he ran her over with his vehicle. Noor Faleh Almaleki was walking with Amal Edan Khalaf, 43, in the Arizona Department of Economic Security parking lot when she was struck. Almaleki is currently in the hospital suffering from life-threatening injuries. Khalaf received non life-threatening injuries. Police say the two women are roommates. I’m sure this has all been a complete misunderstanding and no way could it have been an attempted honor killing.

Joseph Lemaster’s Eventful Evening

October 22, 2009 at 2:54 am by  

Long Bottom, Ohio Joseph Lemaster, 33-years old, must have decided upon a different approach to bonding with his 16-year-old daughter who visits him (rather visited him) on weekends. Instead of opting for catching a movie, chit-chatting across the kitchen table, or playing board games on the living room floor, Joseph allegedly got drunk and set the evening’s events in motion. According to police reports, his daughter attempted to leave his mobile home in a family car after an argument broke out. Daddy grabbed a .22-caliber rifle, shot her dog, then shot through the vehicle and struck her in the head.…

ORANGE COUNTY, Florida – All this started when parents found out that the mobile home park located near their kid’s bus stop housed 91 registered sex offenders. They tried to get the bus stop moved, but that effort failed. Sex offenders cannot live near schools, churches and day cares – but there is nothing that says they can’t live by a bus stop. The Orange County School District checked and state there are no ‘conditional release’ offenders living in the trailer park – meaning none are barred from living within 1,000 feet of a school. The district says if there were, they wouldn’t have the bus stop there even though the law doesn’t even address bus stops. Regardless, one woman came up with an idea. Since the RSO’s cannot live near a daycare, why not just build one near them and force them to move. Lake Shore Village Mobile Home Park. This would force the sex offenders living there to move within 24hours of the day care opening. “Hey, that’s pretty clever!

  • The Pulpit of Doom Podcast





  • Recent Comments

  • Prophets of Doom

    Be sure to pick up the DD crApp for Android. Coming to iTunes soon.