brokenandtwisted
Trusted Member
So, penning some short-sweet-easy-unpretentious-friendly/awful reviews! I can type them on my phone while ‘Riding the Rocket’ (+1 if you get it)! Not going to discuss the brilliance of the cinematography in contrast to 1940s lighting and crap because I know many of you don’t give a shit. You want to know if it’s worth seeing the movie in lame terms, right?
Going to try and plow through quite a few films in the next few months. Stay tuned for Snow White and the Huntsman! Prometheus! Magic Mike for us ladies! No Men in Black III because I fucking hate Will Smith with such seething religious conviction. Already saw The Avengers but it was admittedly too long, a tad boring and I don’t even recall the first hour. Chris Evans stayed fully clothed. Natalie Portman didn't even make an appearance. So we’ll skip that overrated gem and jazz into the indie darling called 'Battleship'!
Battleship (2012) – Peter Berg
Fresh after Peter Berg’s completely awful…well, everything he’s ever directed aside from Friday Night Lights…comes the star vehicle of Rihanna based on a Hasbro board game! It couldn’t possibly be bad! I’m going to hold off wrathful judgment by withholding any sort of bias and viewing this film through a positive lens. Why? Contrary to popular opinion and those vicious critics on Rotten Tomatoes, the movie wasn’t that bad if you enter with dreadfully low expectations. It intelligently satirizes the military action genre and has a gorgeous male lead (I saw the movie just for him. Shallow gal checking in.) ‘Battleship’ is a classic board game where the objective is to sink your opponent’s naval ships/submarines by guessing their coordinates.
After a chuckle-worthy awesome introduction of the protagonist Alex Hopper (fellow Canadian hottie Taylor Kitsch) involving a chicken burrito; and the scientists and politicians making humourous, boldly astronomical erroneous statements regarding attempts at extraterrestrial contact, the film swings into destruction mode by having aliens crash into the Pacific Ocean during an international military exercise and obliterating swaths of Hong Kong, and later chunks of Honolulu.
The principle driving force is atypical of most American military films in which America saves the day on an international scale. However, interestingly enough, Battleship takes such a stereotype to intriguing lows by neutralizing the American force early in the film and creating an international flotilla. After this the movie is just about various NATO buddies (in the Pacific?) trying to penetrate a gigantic extraterrestrial energy shield on the surface around the alien vessel. Naturally no one in any of the militaries even considers sending in a submarine to bypass the shield, rendering the movie over, but we’ll let that slide because Rihanna says “BOOM†followed by…a boom…quite often and there’s an unfathomable amount of Subway, Coke Zero and Volkswagen product placement which awes you into purchasing their products and ignoring the gaping plot holes large enough to sink a…okay, I won't say it.
Perhaps most interesting about Battleship is the incorporation of the actual board game into the film. After electronic systems failure, the military decides to tap into a tsunami warning system using buoys as markers to establish wave height. Basic Physics 101 tells you any mass will displace the liquid it rests in. This causes the alien ships to submerge the nearby tsunami buoys when moving, triggering an alert on the tsunami grid. The American destroyer (forgive me for not recalling the name) then launches missiles at the ships, which appear as pegs on the grid. Minus the previous aforementioned electronic systems failure, this is a rather clever incorporation into the film. Basic Reviewing 101 tells you not to rant on summarization, so I digress.
The stunning effects of Battleship will likely be lost on viewers if they don’t see it in 3D. Unfortunately consumers are becoming increasingly desensitized to action sequences due to their frequency in Hollywood film. Blowing up Manhattan just doesn’t cut it anymore. Oh, cool, you just blew up Times Square (yawn, popcorn, sip pop, check time on phone, popcorn, look up to see the Empire State go down, text message, sip pop, update Facebook status, watch a destroyer sink in a hilarious mockery of Titanic, comment on Kardashian sisters on Twitter…). The only thing Berg has going for him is his ability to direct and orchestrate scenes with 3D technology, which he does flawlessly with sweeping scenes of destruction. I didn’t find myself committing any social blunders such as commenting on Lady Gaga’s latest outfit on Twitter. For this alone I would recommend seeing the film.
Battleship isn’t trying to impress anyone and is self-aware enough to mock vast, overproduced and expensive action sequences (‘hello’ to that establishing shot two hours into The Avengers) with overly simple solutions to solve an assortment of plot obstacles and comically cringing dialogue appropriate for absurd moments. The eye candy is wonderful (both human and effects) and unrivalled by many of its contemporaries in 3D. It was a fun time waster and was worth the $8.00 I spent to see it in 3D. Yeah, that’s right. I watch 3D movies with glasses in IMAX for $8.00. Beat that, Demonites.
Six face-devouring-LSD-junkies out of ten!
6/10
Spoiler: I gave it a bump to 6 from 5 because the Japanese come up with all the good ideas, beat the Americans at Pearl Harbor during a soccer match, and the British blow up the aliens in the end. Oh, and the leads aren't even American. Which is amusing from a casting perspective. More evidence the film is fully aware of its silliness.
Going to try and plow through quite a few films in the next few months. Stay tuned for Snow White and the Huntsman! Prometheus! Magic Mike for us ladies! No Men in Black III because I fucking hate Will Smith with such seething religious conviction. Already saw The Avengers but it was admittedly too long, a tad boring and I don’t even recall the first hour. Chris Evans stayed fully clothed. Natalie Portman didn't even make an appearance. So we’ll skip that overrated gem and jazz into the indie darling called 'Battleship'!
Battleship (2012) – Peter Berg
Fresh after Peter Berg’s completely awful…well, everything he’s ever directed aside from Friday Night Lights…comes the star vehicle of Rihanna based on a Hasbro board game! It couldn’t possibly be bad! I’m going to hold off wrathful judgment by withholding any sort of bias and viewing this film through a positive lens. Why? Contrary to popular opinion and those vicious critics on Rotten Tomatoes, the movie wasn’t that bad if you enter with dreadfully low expectations. It intelligently satirizes the military action genre and has a gorgeous male lead (I saw the movie just for him. Shallow gal checking in.) ‘Battleship’ is a classic board game where the objective is to sink your opponent’s naval ships/submarines by guessing their coordinates.
After a chuckle-worthy awesome introduction of the protagonist Alex Hopper (fellow Canadian hottie Taylor Kitsch) involving a chicken burrito; and the scientists and politicians making humourous, boldly astronomical erroneous statements regarding attempts at extraterrestrial contact, the film swings into destruction mode by having aliens crash into the Pacific Ocean during an international military exercise and obliterating swaths of Hong Kong, and later chunks of Honolulu.
The principle driving force is atypical of most American military films in which America saves the day on an international scale. However, interestingly enough, Battleship takes such a stereotype to intriguing lows by neutralizing the American force early in the film and creating an international flotilla. After this the movie is just about various NATO buddies (in the Pacific?) trying to penetrate a gigantic extraterrestrial energy shield on the surface around the alien vessel. Naturally no one in any of the militaries even considers sending in a submarine to bypass the shield, rendering the movie over, but we’ll let that slide because Rihanna says “BOOM†followed by…a boom…quite often and there’s an unfathomable amount of Subway, Coke Zero and Volkswagen product placement which awes you into purchasing their products and ignoring the gaping plot holes large enough to sink a…okay, I won't say it.
Perhaps most interesting about Battleship is the incorporation of the actual board game into the film. After electronic systems failure, the military decides to tap into a tsunami warning system using buoys as markers to establish wave height. Basic Physics 101 tells you any mass will displace the liquid it rests in. This causes the alien ships to submerge the nearby tsunami buoys when moving, triggering an alert on the tsunami grid. The American destroyer (forgive me for not recalling the name) then launches missiles at the ships, which appear as pegs on the grid. Minus the previous aforementioned electronic systems failure, this is a rather clever incorporation into the film. Basic Reviewing 101 tells you not to rant on summarization, so I digress.
The stunning effects of Battleship will likely be lost on viewers if they don’t see it in 3D. Unfortunately consumers are becoming increasingly desensitized to action sequences due to their frequency in Hollywood film. Blowing up Manhattan just doesn’t cut it anymore. Oh, cool, you just blew up Times Square (yawn, popcorn, sip pop, check time on phone, popcorn, look up to see the Empire State go down, text message, sip pop, update Facebook status, watch a destroyer sink in a hilarious mockery of Titanic, comment on Kardashian sisters on Twitter…). The only thing Berg has going for him is his ability to direct and orchestrate scenes with 3D technology, which he does flawlessly with sweeping scenes of destruction. I didn’t find myself committing any social blunders such as commenting on Lady Gaga’s latest outfit on Twitter. For this alone I would recommend seeing the film.
Battleship isn’t trying to impress anyone and is self-aware enough to mock vast, overproduced and expensive action sequences (‘hello’ to that establishing shot two hours into The Avengers) with overly simple solutions to solve an assortment of plot obstacles and comically cringing dialogue appropriate for absurd moments. The eye candy is wonderful (both human and effects) and unrivalled by many of its contemporaries in 3D. It was a fun time waster and was worth the $8.00 I spent to see it in 3D. Yeah, that’s right. I watch 3D movies with glasses in IMAX for $8.00. Beat that, Demonites.
Six face-devouring-LSD-junkies out of ten!
6/10
Spoiler: I gave it a bump to 6 from 5 because the Japanese come up with all the good ideas, beat the Americans at Pearl Harbor during a soccer match, and the British blow up the aliens in the end. Oh, and the leads aren't even American. Which is amusing from a casting perspective. More evidence the film is fully aware of its silliness.
