Man Drowns After Being Attacked By Swans

April 17, 2012 at 8:44 am by  

DES PLAINES, IL — A 37-year-old man in Illinois drowned in a condo’s retention pond after being attacked by one or more swans.

Anthony Hensley worked for Knox Swan and Dog LLC, a company that places swans or dogs in areas experiencing problems with the geese population. Hensley was at the Bay Colony Drive condos early Saturday morning, caring for swans they’d placed in their retention pond.

Residents say Hensley has been a regular visitor there for years, often seen on the pond in his kayak caring for the swans and feeding them. But tragedy struck that morning when one or more of the swans attacked him. No one knows exactly what prompted the attack — some thinking he just got too close to their nest or eggs — but whatever the reason, it resulted in Hensley’s kayak flipping over.

He was a good swimmer, but a combination of being fully clothed and wearing boots made it difficult for Hensley to keep his head above water. This was made especially laborious by the swans who continued their assault on Hensley as he tried to swim to shore.…

ROCKFORD, IL — As my co-workers can attest to, I do not iron. That’s what a wife is for. Or sometimes in my case, a dryer. It’s not that I don’t own one, as I love my grilled cheese sandwiches. I just don’t own an ironing board. I waved bye to it as my ex drove away in a U-haul packed with other things she owned that I paid for.

But I can honestly say that I if I did need an impromptu ironing board in the face of some kind of emergency, the last thing I would have ever thought of using would be a sleeping child’s back. A foot stool or wheel chock? Sure. But not an ironing board. Inexplicably, 43-year-old Elliot Moore didn’t have that same line of thinking when he used the back of an 18-month-old girl to iron a shirt.

Back in 2010, Moore was watching a woman’s two young children while she was at school. Because the 18-month-old was sleeping on his lap, Moore was experiencing difficulties ironing his work shirt.…

Vancouver, BC – Police called to a Vancouver car wash after reports of screams discovered the source to be three men who had run themselves through the car wash while naked in a shopping cart.

Abbotsford police – called to the car wash at around midnight by concerned neighbors – arrived to find the three reportedly ‘sore’ 20-year-olds putting their clothes back on.

“They decided it would be a really good idea to strip down and run themselves [in] the cart through the car wash. Need I say they were intoxicated?” said Constable Ian MacDonald.

The police report noted that the men made the mistake of selecting either the “typhoon” or “super typhoon” mode. Let’s all take a moment to thank the good Lord that the car wash didn’t have the dreaded “hyper-mega typhoon” setting – which is believed to have been outlawed in most Canadian provinces.

After reportedly making sure the men were not injured and after listening to their apologies for what they recognized as a ‘poor life choice,’ police sent the three men home to sleep it off.…

CHARLOTTE AMALIE, U.S. Virgin Islands — A Virgin Islands mother may face criminal charges after she was caught driving with her newborn baby zipped in her purse.

The woman was pulled over for a cracked windshield on Tuesday. While asking for her driver’s license, the police officer heard a baby crying but couldn’t see a baby or car seat in the vehicle.

When the woman was asked for the infant’s location, she unzipped a purse sitting in the passenger and revealed a newborn. She told the police that she gave birth to the baby girl at home a week ago and claimed she was on the way to the hospital when she was pulled over.

EMTs arrived on the scene and transported the baby girl to the hospital for evaluation. There’s been no reports on her condition. The mother was transported to the hospital as well, where other officers brought her a car seat to use.

The woman has not been charged with anything at this time, but the Department of Human Services is investigating and criminal charges may be filed against her once they are done. …

West Des Moines, IA – An IT worker for Farm Bureau Insurance has turned himself in to West Des Moines Police to face charges of urinating on the office chairs of attractive female coworkers. Raymond Charles Foley, 59, was formally charged this morning.

According to police, Foley worked in the Farm Bureau’s information technology department and had access to all the company’s computers and the employee database.

Farm Bureau officials told police Foley would look up employee photos in the agency’s database. Court documents say that Foley “would pick out the attractive females and then on off-hours, he would come into work, go to their desk, and urinate on their chairs.”

Employees reportedly first started complaining about stains on their chairs in October 2011. Surveillance cameras were installed in February. On March 26, a Farm Bureau vice president told authorities that Foley had been caught on video camera urinating on the office chairs of four female co-workers.

Foley was reportedly relieved of his position with Farm Bureau immediately after the surveillance footage was viewed.…

Destrehan, LA — A man died at his own Wrestlemania party Sunday night after his teen cousin placed him in a choke hold.

According to reports, 24-year-old Stephen Arceneaux III had invited friends to his home Sunday night to watch a gay wrestling soap opera called Wrestlemania 28.  At some point during the festivities, Arceneaux and his 14-year-old cousin began wrestling on an inflated mattress.

During the bout, the teenager, who weighed 110 pounds, got 220-pound Arceneaux in a rear-naked choke hold.

For those of you unaware, this popular move is when you get behind an opponent and wrap yourself around them like an addiction. You then place a forearm around their neck while pushing on the back of their head with your other arm, subsequently cutting off their air supply.

Witnesses told investigators that Stephen Arceneaux had informed everyone he was no pussy and would not “tap out” or signal the teen to release the hold. He kept his word.

After 30 to 40 seconds of not being able to breathe, witnesses say that Arceneaux turned blue from lack of oxygen.…

Overland Park, KS – More than 1,000 abortion records including names, birth dates, telephone numbers, Social Security numbers, and the patients’ health history have been found in the recycling bin of a Kansas City elementary school, causing outrage in the community and a police investigation to boot.

Krishna Rajanna, 74, a former doctor whose license was revoked in 2005 after receiving numerous fines and disciplinary actions for uncleanliness by the Kansas Board of Healing Arts, is under investigation in the case.  The story goes far, far beyond that, however, as the police records from 2005 detail a truly appalling history behind the former abortion doctor.

On March 15, 2005, Kansas City Detective William Howard testified before the House Committee on Health and Human Services regarding a visit he’d paid to Affordable Medical and Surgical Services while investigating a claim by Rajanna that an employee was stealing from him.  The accusations proved baseless, it seems, but what the detective saw at the clinic, and heard from employees, probably scarred him for life.…

Grand Junction, CO — A 49-year-old  man who told police he shot a woman in the head after mistaking her large red mohawk for a large red bird that had been antagonizing his cats has been sentenced to five years probation.

Derrill Rockwell told police he spotted what he thought was the bullyish bird sitting on a hill near his home in the early morning hours of October 5, so he grabbed his .22 and went outside to confront it. His intent, he told police, was to “spook” it away.

Rockwell fired one shot, but didn’t see the bird fly away. Soon after, he told police, he heard a woman’s voice, moaning in pain. Turns out, it wasn’t a bird – it was a 23-year-old woman sportin’ a large red mohawk. And, well, a new gunshot wound to the head.

Rockwell later told police he ran to the woman’s aid and offered a wet towel for her gushin’ noggin. Then, he said, he rushed her to the emergency room, leaving his name and phone number with hospital staff.…

Barrington, IL – It’s nothing I haven’t done.  You see a couple of teenage girls out in bad weather and you do the neighborly thing and offer them a ride home.  But, if you are a male in the Barrington area, such thoughtfulness is ill-advised and, according to the local prosecutor, downright illegal… even if you have great hair.

It was during a March 2nd snow storm that the man pictured left, Rodney Peterson, had stopped for gas at a Shell station.  While there, he noticed two teen girls leaving.  “I just noticed these girls, that they had no umbrella, no coats or hood or something of that nature and I just felt like I should help,” Peterson recalled.  So, he did what any decent person (or opportunistic predator) would do and pulled up to offer them a ride.  “How far do you have to walk?” he asked before one said, “We’re okay,” and signaled him to move along.

The father of three (with a fourth on the way) continued home to his family and thought little of the encounter. …

Man Dies After Being Buried Under Pinto Beans

March 19, 2012 at 9:09 am by  

BRUSH, CO – An employee at Kelly Bean Co. died last Thursday after he was buried under a pile of pinto beans.

So far there is no word on exactly how the accident happened, but what is being reported is that 56-year-old Raymond Segura, Jr. was buried under a pile of pinto beans 15-20 feet high.

It took almost an hour for rescuers to dig him out, but by then it was too late, the poor guy had suffocated to death.

Police, OSHA investigators, and Kelley’s safety team are investigating how Segura managed to get buried. He had worked at the warehouse for 12 to 15 years.

Now let’s sit back and see how many idiots crack a  “beaner” joke because they think it’s clever.…

Woman Dead After Possible Suicide By Chainsaw

March 15, 2012 at 9:52 am by  

CULVER CITY, CA — Not a lot of details yet, but reports are a woman in California was found dead inside a home with a chainsaw wound to the neck.

The woman’s body was found by her sister around 1 a.m. Thursday. Her name has not been released, but police have confirmed that the woman had a chainsaw wound to her neck and a possible suicide note was found beside her body.

However, at this point her death has not been officially ruled a suicide. No matter the cause — suicide, accident or murder — that is one violent way to die.

I’ll update the story as more details are released, but if you are interested in chainsaw related stories, we have a couple pages worth.…

HONOLULU, HI — If you know of a child missing some fingers recently, police in Hawaii would really like to talk to you after a child’s fingers were found in a dumpster behind a low-income housing complex.

A woman was looking for bottles and cans in a dumpster behind the Kukui Gardens Housing Complex when she found a ziploc bag containing what she thought was ginger root.

“I saw a plastic ziploc bag, which I thought were ginger root starting to dry out. I’m a gardener, and I recycle, and I thought I’d be able restore them. So I threw them in my purse,” said Gina Rose Vendegna.

She later realized what she had found was not ginger root when she noticed the fingernails. She showed the fingers to some other people who weren’t convinced they were actually fingers, or if they were, once belonged to a monkey.

“I thought just by chance I’m going to call the Police Department, turn ’em in and let them decide,” Vendegna said.

Tests determined the fingers, two complete and four partial, belonged to a female child between two-and-a-half and four years old.…

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