Montreal — This story was originally written and submitted by The LadyDragon, but it was done before all the details had emerged. I hate to hijack it, but there was no way I could get all the new details into her original article without completely re-writing it. I have included her original article in quotes.

It’s a gruesome story out of Canada that, at first, seemed to involve three separate crimes that would quickly turned out to involve just one murderer and his unfortunate victim. Be warned, some of the details are disturbing.

A bloody package containing a severed human foot has been mailed to the Conservative Party’s downtown Ottawa headquarters according to police. One Conservative Party source said this first package was a simple white box with a red cartoon heart drawn on it. The package was addressed to the Conservative Party of Canada rather than a specific individual.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s own campaign manager Jenni Byrne was present when the foot was received by a stunned receptionist.

Miami, FL – A naked homeless man identified as 31-year-old Rudy Eugene was shot and killed by police on Saturday while reportedly eating another naked man’s face and attempting to gouge out his eyeballs on MacArthur Causeway in downtown Miami.  It turned out to be his last meal; not what I probably would have chosen, but to each his own.

Rumors are swirling about what might have precipitated the attack, ranging from cocaine psychosis to LSD to “bath salts” to the start of the long-anticipated zombie apocalypse.  As a devotee of Occam’s Razor, I’m going with a fundamental and tragic misunderstanding of the game of ice hockey and the concept of the face-off, but only time might tell.

Currently, the only witness to come forward regarding the attack is Larry Vega, a bicyclist who was riding on the causeway that connects downtown Miami to Miami Beach.  “The guy was, like, tearing him to pieces with his mouth, so I told him, ‘Get off!’ ” Vega said. “The guy just kept eating the other guy away, like, ripping his skin.”  Telling the man to “get off” proved woefully ineffective, apparently, so Vega flagged down a Miami police officer who proved to be more potent in the effort to stop Eugene from noshing on the other man’s mug.…

Mexico City — Police say that seven people have been arrested after a 5-year-old boy had his eyes gouged out by his own mother during a drug-fueled ritual.

The horrific incident happened during a ritual inside a home in Nezahualcoyotl that involved several of the boys relatives and involved the taking of an unspecified drug. One witness who was there said they had taken the drug and fell unconscious. When they came to, the boy’s eyeballs had already been removed.

Investigators believe the mother removed her son’s eyes with her bare fingers because the boy refused to close them during the ceremony. After realizing what had happened, one of the participants ran out and flagged down a passing police car.

When the officers entered the home they found the mother in shock with her son in her arms.

“Once the woman allowed local police to check the boy, they were astonished to see the boy had no eyeballs,” the government said in a statement.

The boy was rushed to the local hospital in serious condition, but later transported by helicopter to a more specialized facility.…

TINLEY PARK, IL – Multiple people were injured and several arrested after a group of militant anti-racists stormed a family restaurant on Saturday, and attacked a group of white supremacists.

The group of 18 attackers, dressed in black and sporting masks, assaulted roughly a dozen alleged white supremacists with steel batons and hammers inside the Ashford House restaurant, causing around $15,000 in damages and sending several people to the hospital.

“The other group marched into the restaurant, all were in hooded sweatshirts,” restaurant owner, Mike Winston, told “Each had a chair leg, baton or a bat. They came in and went straight to a table of white guys and whoever stood up or got in the way, they got walloped.”

Mayor Ed Zabrocki has reviewed the surveillance footage and says the attack was a real riot.

“The whole thing took about 90 seconds to transpire,” Mayor Ed Zabrocki stated. “You see tables moving into view, food spilling on the floor. You see them marching out and you see some of the waiters taking swings at them.”

The victims in the incident are members of the European Heritage Association, which is linked to the extreme “white pride” organizations White News Now and Stormfront.…

AVALON, PA – There’s really not a whole lot to this story, but it made me giggle, so you get to hear about it.

A Rankin Pennsylvania cop is scheduled for a preliminary hearing today because he allegedly broke into his neighbor’s home to do laundry.

The neighbor called police after noting that his electric bill was unusually high even though he had not actually been living in the home for months. Upon returning to the house to investigate, the man found the dryer running.

Inside the dryer was a load of clothing that included the police uniform of Officer Jason Rocco, as well as his Marine Corps t-shirts.

Investigating officers believe that Rocco broke into the home using the back door, but when questioned, Rocco said that the door was already broken and that he “just had to do some laundry.”

At the close of interview Avalon police say that Rocco requested his clothing back from investigators.

Officer Rocco was charged with trespassing and criminal mischief. He was arraigned on May 19 and was released on his own recognizance.…

Elko, B.C. — An intoxicated man in his 20s is very lucky to be alive after passing out on a railway near Elko, British Columbia, and then being run over by a train.

It was a long weekend here in Canada and this guy was doing what we Canadians do best, drink beer and camp out. The Alberta resident had apparently wandered to the tracks after imbibing heavily. The man’s choice in bedding, however, was ill-advised to say the least.

A Canadian Pacific Railway engineer noticed the man laying between the rails ahead of the train, sounded the whistle, and attempted to stop. But by the time the heavily loaded train was finally came to rest, the locomotive and 26 cars had already passed over the man laying on the tracks.

Expecting to find a gory mess, the CP Rail engineers investigated and got an even bigger shock when they found the man still intact — and still sleeping. After one of the engineers grabbed the man’s arm, he woke up.…

Madrid, Spain — A man has been hospitalized after doctors say he suffered a direct hit to his scrotum during a lightning strike while walking down the street in a Madrid suburb.

The 53-year-old man was reportedly walking down a suburban street – aptly named “The Avenue of the Enlightenment” – late Thursday night during a storm when he was hit by a bolt of lighting. Doctors would establish that the bolt struck him through his pants directly in his scrotum before traveling down one of his legs and exiting to the sidewalk through his foot.

The unidentified victim’s son called for an ambulance. At last report, he remains in stable condition at a Madrid hospital. Doctors say that, because the man’s groin took the hit, the lightning did not cause electrical or thermal injury to the victim’s brain or heart – thus saving his life.

A Spanish-language video news report containing a comprehensive medical analysis can be found here. Those of you who are not Spanish speaking should be able to follow along with only knowledge of the phrases “frito cojones” and “iluminado como un árbol de navidad.”…

DELTONA, Fla. – The parents of a senior at Deltona High School are outraged after their 17-year-old son had an asthma attack at school and the school nurse would not let him use his inhaler.

Sue Rudi got a call from her son’s school letting her know that her son was having trouble breathing. When she arrived and was taken back to the nurse’s office, they found her son, Michael Rudi, on the floor.

“As soon as we opened up the door, we saw my son collapsing against the wall on the floor of the nurse’s office while she was standing in the window of the locked door looking down at my son, who was in full-blown asthma attack,” Rudi said.

Michael said his inhaler was confiscated on Friday after the school dean found it in his locker. Even though it was still in its original packaging with his name on it and directions for its use, it was taken away because his mother had not signed the proper form for him to have it.…

Knoxville, TN – A thirty-three year old man who has had 30 children with 11 different mothers is appealing to the state of Tennessee for a reduction in child-support.

Very often we bring you stories of horrible people doing horrible things. Today instead, I am using this public forum to inform you of a noble man being subjected to systemic injustice. Together we may be able to right this wrong.

Desmond Hatchett, 33, is simply one of us… toiling at a minimum-wage job to make ends meet and provide for his dependents. For Desmond, that means paying child-support to the 11 mothers of his 30 children. Those of you who also have 30 children understand completely how difficult this must be, but the rest of us can still imagine. So hard… From this, it may not be surprising that Desmond has recently gone to court to ask for relief from this financial burden.

The court case offers a window into how a judicial system can bully a man for a situation entirely beyond his control.…

Nice, CA – The California woman charged with having sex with her teenage son has pleaded no contest to incest and other felonies.

Earlier this month we reported on 32-year-old Mistie Atkinson, the woman who was caught having sex with her biological, teenage son. She was arrested and charged with incest, oral copulation of a minor, contact with a minor for a sexual offense and sending harmful matter to a minor after police found her in a hotel room with her son.

Atkinson has not had contact with her 16-year-old son since she gave him up 14 years ago, but the pair reunited in a most devious way late last year after Atkinson contacted him via Facebook.

Within two months the teen’s father, who has sole custody, filed a restraining order against Atkinson after the conversations between her and her son became as increasingly inappropriate as they were sinister.

“She started to have a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with him, not a mother-and-son relationship,” the man said, according to court documents. “It got to a point where their conversation began talking about harming me and killing off her boyfriend she was (now) living with.”

Police say they have proof Atkinson sent her son nude photos of herself and engaged in explicit conversations that included the two running away together. …

Windsor, Ontario – Ladies and gentleman, I would like to introduce you to every woman’s dream — a man that shits diamonds. Or one that’s about to, anyway.

According to Ontario police, 52-year-old Richard Matthews went to Precision Jewellers in Ontario and attempted to swap a real diamond with a fake one. When store employees confronted him over swapping out a $20,000 , 1.7 carat diamond with a fake he had brought along, he proceeded to gulp down all the evidence.

Matthews was arrested on a suspicion of theft charge and placed in a cell with no toilet. Whenever he has to take a dump, he has to do so in a bucket. Afterwards, a gloved technician must sift through Matthews’ nuggets in hopes of finding the really expensive one.

X-rays revealed that Matthews is concealing two fake diamonds in his intestines. The real diamond cannot be seen  because it’s translucent. Police have been patiently waiting for Matthews to pass the gem for over a week and expect it complete its journey any day now.…

ABINGDON, Md. — A man in Maryland is facing prison time after his dumbass pulled a crowded theater’s fire alarm during a showing of THE AVENGERS.

David Walters was at the theater Monday night to watch the latest super-hero flick (it’s damn good, btw) when he got upset over the theater’s decision to accommodate the hearing impaired with open captions.

Open captions are sort of like subtitles, but the text on the screen includes descriptors of dialogue, song lyrics, and important sound effects during the film. I think it’s pretty cool of the studio to provide it and awesome of the Regal theater to show it.

Walters didn’t think so, however, and felt the text was ruining the movie. He decided that if he couldn’t enjoy the movie like the hearing impaired in the audience, then no one was. So with tears streaming down his face, and blood flowing from his weeping vagina, Walters used his balled-up fists to pull the fire alarm in protest.

Because of his actions, Walters is looking at up to five years in prison.…

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