Ocala, FL — Police have arrested a man who they believe has defecated on the stoop of a portable middle school classroom at least five times since early September. Rest easy tonight, Floridians…

The care packages began showing up outside the door of classroom 469 at Fort King Middle School on September 6th. On that day, he simply left behind a pile of poo. On his subsequent visits, Sept. 14, Sept. 19 and Sept. 27, the man not only left behind a pile of feces, but handwritten notes, too. On at least one occasion, a woman’s thong accompanied the steaming pile of excrement.

After the fourth incident, law enforcement officials set up a surveillance camera. The serial pooper did not disappoint.

Surveillance video shows a clean-cut white male approach the stoop at about 4:32 a.m. on Oct. 7. The man, armed with a roll of toilet paper, appeared to be a little spooked and left the area about three minutes later without making a deposit. But wait! What’s this? He reappears about a minute later and gets down to business, leaving behind a pile of crap and some sort of pamphlet.…

Viareggio, Italy — A 46-year-old man who told doctors he was hearing voices reportedly gouged out his own eyeballs during Mass at St. Andrea’s in northwestern Italy Sunday.

According to witnesses, Aldo Bianchini stood up in the middle of the service and, to the horror of his fellow worshipers, yanked them peepers out with his bare hands before collapsing on the floor in a pool of his own blood.

The priest, Rev. Lorenzo Tanganelli, told Italian newspaper Corriere Fiorentino that “this man at the back of the nave started tearing at his face and I realised he was gouging out his eyes … I called for assistance and the paramedics were quickly at the scene, and he was taken away and then I carried on celebrating Mass, but a lot of people had left because they were so shocked by what they had seen.”

When emergency responders arrived, a “calm and lucid” Bianchini told them that a voice told him to rip his eyes out. I hear that same voice sometimes…usually when my neighbor is outside in his wifebeater and low-rise speedo.…

Woman Dies Hours After Receiving Hot Beef Injection

September 12, 2011 at 8:11 am by  

Homewood, Ill. — No, this is not a story about one of my dates. It’s about 63-year-old Janet Hardt who injected hot beef fat into her face, only to be pronounced hours later at the hospital.

Hardt had become obsessed with a cosmetic procedure she had developed herself, in which she would boil beef, extract the fat and then inject it around her mouth and chin in an attempt to simulate Botox.

She performed this technique on multiple occasions, but on Thursday she went to the hospital shortly after injecting the beef fat into her face, complaining that her face was burning. She would be dead within hours.

An autopsy performed the next day determined Hardt did not die from her DIY Botox procedure, although her face was infected. She had actually died from a bacterial infection caused by weakened walls in her colon.

Family members told authorities Hardt had undergone multiple cosmetic surgeries to her face and neck. Reports are that even though her face was infected, scarred and grotesque looking, it was almost devoid of wrinkles.…

Seattle, WA —  An unidentified man was sent to the Harborview Medical Center after police and firefighters found him in a public park trying to roast his own chestnuts shortly after midnight on Wednesday.

The man, wearing crotch- and ass-less spandex chaps, had built a small fire in a fountain located in Seattle’s Prefontaine Place Park. He was apparently found gyrating over the flames, letting them touch his genitals and buttocks.

When asked just what in hell he was doing, the man said he was having a ‘weenie roast.’ Cue rimshot and laugh track.

Firefighters put out the fire and police brought him to the whacko-basket.

Though there’s no way for us to know what his real intentions were, whether this was some ritual to ward off space aliens or a desperate stunt to sell more spandex chaps, but I’d like to think of him as a sort of performance artist/comedian. I’ve been accused (and rightly so) of reaching too far for joke, but this guy literally put his dick in a fire and then said ‘weenie roast.’ For that, I salute him.…

Gainesville, FL — Authorities claim a 36-year-old woman lost three of her digits early Sunday morning when she tried to wake her boyfriend up with fireworks.

The unidentified woman told police she was holding the firework in her hand when she lit the fuse. She said she was going to toss the thing out the front door, where it would then make enough noise to wake the boyfriend. How cute. Personally, I have found that the unique sound a switchblade makes gets mine up, moving and into the kitchen right quick….

Anyway, the darn thing went BOOM in her hand, blowing off her thumb, middle and ring fingers. Police said the blast was so powerful, they found a piece of finger bone embedded in the ceiling.

Police believe alcohol was a factor in the incident. Me? I’m going with genes on this one.…

Glendale, CA — A 63-year-old man was hospitalized early this week after police say he stuck a butter knife in his stomach in an apparent effort to remove a protruding hernia.

The man’s wife called police and paramedics Monday evening to report her husband was sick and tired of waiting to get surgery for the rupture and decided to take matters into his own hands.

When police arrived on scene, they found the unidentified man lying butt-nekkid on a lounge chair on his patio, the handle of a 6-inch butter knife protruding from his abdomen.

While waiting for paramedics to arrive, police say the man yanked the knife out of his stomach, plucked a cigarette from his mouth and stuck it inside the open wound. He apparently showed no outward signs of pain. And, with that, he was placed on a 72-hour psychiatric hold and transported to the hospital.

And now, a public service announcement from Dr. Sam Carvajal, a surgeon at Glendale Adventist Medical Center:

“It is absolutely impossible for someone to fix their own hernia.”

Carvajal went on to say that most hernia patients don’t suffer from pain severe enough to lead to self-surgery, leaving him to conclude the patient was suffering from some amount of psychosis.…

Fuenlabrada, Spain —  Father Andres Garcia Torres was recently relieved of his position in the parish of Our Lady of Fatima Fuenlabrada for “pastoral reasons.”

The priest alleges that he was fired after rumors that he was engaged in a homosexual relationship with a young Cuban seminarian were heard by his Bishop. The rumors, in part, stemmed from photographs that surfaced of the priest and the seminarian shirtless and in close contact.

The priest has complained to the media that the Bishop of the Diocese of Getafe wants him to abandon the parish, undergo a psychiatric cure and take an HIV test. Undergo a psychiatric cure?

In response, Father Torres has made a simple and obvious request.

“Let them measure my anus and see if it is dilated,” said the priest.

Father Tores has reportedly handed over the keys of the church, after refusing to do so for several days in protest. According to reports, he has also said that he will now go to Rome to ‘show that he is being expelled from his parish unfairly.’

When you read in the next weeks of a man mooning the popemobile while shouting in Spanish, don’t say that you weren’t warned……

Mexico City — Here’s one of the stories I was working on yesterday. A woman is now facing multiple charges after she got busted trying to sneak her husband out of prison in a suitcase.

Maria del Mar Arjona, 19, had been allowed a conjugal visit with her husband, Juan Ramirez Tijerina, who was serving time after being convicted of federal drug trafficking charges.

As she was leaving, prison guards noticed something very odd about the overstuffed suitcase Arjona was toting. The suitcase, on wheels, was clearly overstuffed and something inside moved as Arjona, who was six months pregnant, attempted to take it up the stairs that led out of the prison.

The guards stopped a nervous Arjona and checked the contents of the suitcase. Inside they found Tijerna packed away inside, curled up in the fetal position.

Luckily the guards snapped the following picture of their find before taking Tijerna back to his cell, and the Internet thanks them for doing so. It really is a great picture…almost looks like the suitcase is giving birth.…

Man Killed By Riding Lawn Mower

June 14, 2011 at 9:02 am by  

JACKSON COUNTY, Missouri — Over the weekend, a man in Missouri was killed by a riding lawn mower.

A woman returning home Sunday found her boyfriend, 39-year-old Wesley L. Jarman laying in the yard wearing a riding lawn mower. He had been cutting grass on a steep incline when the mower rolled over and Garman fell off, with the medium sized mower landing on top of him.

Paramedics were called and arrived within minutes, but Jarman’s injuries were too extensive. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

I didn’t need this story as proof that yard work was dangerous business. I once got a splinter in my finger while opening the door to the shed that contained my mower. It was excruciating, cost me many days off work and had a hand in my current addiction to pain pills and porn.

It’s been 15 years and I still cannot cut the grass. My therapist told my wife it’s not laziness, as she continually harps, but rather a form of post-traumatic stress syndrome.…

Independence, MO — Rick Sheridan of Independence, Missouri was working in his garage when he heard gunshots. He went around the back of his house to a pond, where he saw three police officers lined up on the bank of his pond surveying their kill.

“The officer fired two rounds, and killed my concrete, ornamental alligator,” Sheridan said.

Independence police released a statement this week saying that they had received a call reporting that his children had seen the alligator along a creek and his son had shown him the creature.

Police dispatch contacted the Missouri Conservation Department, who said that if the officer did locate the alligator, to go ahead and ‘put it down.’

According to the police statement, when police located the alligator in a wooded area, an officer fired two shots before realizing the animal was really made out of concrete. Police then apologized to Sheridan and left.

< …

Canadians Killed By Flying Bear

June 8, 2011 at 8:03 am by  

Quebec — Two people are dead after a 300 lb black bear flew through the windshield of a car.

We here at the Demon like our stories like hillbillies like their violence: domestic. Sometimes, though, a story that can’t be passed up comes along, just begging to make the front page. This one comes from America’s Hat, Canada.

At approximately 10:30pm Monday night, a Pontiac Sunbird traveling Highway 148 struck a black bear that had wandered onto the roadway. The impact caused the bear to be scooped up and rocketed into oncoming traffic. A Nissan Pathfinder was the unfortunate recipient of the ursine projectile, which traveled through the front windshield on the driver’s side, through to the back seat and out the back window, killing two people in the process.

I’m no smart, science-type guy, but let’s assume a conservative 50mph on each side of the road. This works out to 300lb pounds of furry (and undoubtedly confused) meat hitting you in the face at 100mph. I think.  I can imagine 300 lbs of just about anything at that speed is more than sufficient to ruin your evening.…

Angry Beaver Attacks Three Near Philly

June 6, 2011 at 4:19 am by  

Philadelphia, PA — Officials in Pennsylvania have reported that a beaver accused of attacking three people in the Pennypack Creek area last week has tested positive for rabies.

The first of two alleged attacks occurred on June 1 as a man and his wife were fishing. Authorities claim a large beaver first attacked the woman, biting her on the leg. When the husband tried to intervene, he was rewarded with a few puncture wounds to his chest and arms.

The very next day, a man and his child happened across a beaver doing whatever it is beavers do when they aren’t building dams and shit. The two reportedly observed the beaver for a minute before dad started poking at it with a fishing rod. The beaver apparently didn’t appreciate the unexpected invasion of it’s personal space and turned around and chomped down on the kid. Good thinking, dad…

The beaver blamed for both attacks was captured late Thursday evening and put down.

These attacks follow another reported beaver attack from back in April.…

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