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Emily CraigCharleston, SC – An early morning shagging resulted in multiple charges for a couple caught having sex inside a shed at a South Carolina Home Depot.

The couple were observed going into a display shed and closing the door behind them at around 8:30 a.m. Wednesday morning. The employees didn’t look to see if there was any shmexy action going on in the butthut, instead deciding to call police.

When officers arrived at the scene and looked inside the shed, they discovered 20-year-old Emily Craig inside with her dress untied at the top and hanging around her waist. Also inside was 31-year-old Shaun Bowden. He had no shirt on and his pants were down to his knees, exposing his penis.

Craig’s troubles grew as fast as Bowden’s erection shrank after she gave police a false name and date of birth. Police discovered her true identity, and learned that she was on probation after being convicted of burglary and drug possession last year. Not surprisingly, she has at least one other arrest for prostitution.…

Willie MerriweatherAiken, SC — A 53-year-old man previously accused of masturbating at public computer is now facing additional charges of indecent exposure because he apparently can’t keep his dick in his drawers.

Willie (tee-hee) Merriweather was taken into custody early last week after police say he whipped his peener out while being interviewed at a staffing agency.

According to police, the victim told police Willie entered the office Monday and sat down for an interview. The woman said she collected information from Willie, such as his name, previous employer and Social Security number.

The woman went on to tell police that as she was collecting this information, she glanced over at Willie and realized he had his dick out of his pants and in his hand.

It fell out,” Willie reportedly explained.

The woman didn’t buy that excuse and ordered him out of the building before calling police.

At some point after that, Willie apparently showed up at Public Safety headquarters for an interview, and officers realized he had a warrant out for indecent exposure.…

Hampton, NH – Eric Carrier, 24, has been charged with one felony count of attempt to commit indecent exposure after allegedly faking a brain injury so he could get a caregiver to change his soiled adult diaper.

Indecent exposure is one of those things at which I think most people are pretty good if they want to be.  There’s not much to it, frankly.  Undress, or partially undress, in front of someone who doesn’t want to see your junk and BAM!  It’s magically easy.  You have to be a moron to be charged with “attempt to commit indecent exposure,” right?

Carrier apparently managed it, though it seems to have taken him a few tries.

He was convicted of five counts of full-fledged indecent exposure on July 30th after posing as a 22-year-old disabled man whose brain injury had left him incapable of controlling his bowels.  Other reports of similar incidents existed at the time of that investigation, but they were beyond the statute of limitations and could not be pursued.…

Hawley, PA – Richard Cimino Jr., 20, was arrested on Friday after performing a bizarre string of ludicrous acts, including jumping from a second-story window, injuring himself badly, and then gnawing on a passer-by’s head.

Cimino allegedly parked his car behind a house on Hudson Street, stripped to his underpants, and then proceeded to break into the home.  When the resident awoke to the sound of the break-in, Cimino reportedly stripped off his underwear and fled to a vacant house next door, likely realizing how much faster you can run without being encumbered by undergarments.  He then walked to the second floor of that house and jumped from a window, severely injuring his arms and legs.

It wasn’t the fall that injured him, apparently, but the landing.

Way bloody, he then reportedly approached Ann Monaghan and Nancy Dean-Corino, who just happened to be walking by.  According to police, he attacked Dean-Corino, bled all over her sorry ass, and then gnawed on her head while screaming like an animal.  The women managed to escape and call police.…

Altamonte Springs, FL – Steven Alden Shepard, 60, was arrested Monday morning for allegedly sexually assaulting a woman in an apartment complex laundry room while he was wearing nothing but a shirt he had taken from her wash.

The woman told police that she was loading some clothes into a basket when Shepard entered the room completely naked with the exception of a shirt he had previously removed from her laundry.  He then reportedly pushed her shoulders, forcing her into a sitting position on the floor while he played with his junk and hollered commands at her.  No word on what the commands were, but I’m guessing it was something like “criss-cross apple sauce!” and “prepare for the semen tsunami!”

When the woman fought back, Shepard apparently fled the room.  The woman went back to her apartment to call police.

The first officer on the scene spotted Shepard, who was wearing nothing but jeans, running through the community.  After a brief pursuit, Shepard, who was easily identified by his extraordinarily large ears and the fact that his eyes are nearly touching, stopped and allowed himself to be handcuffed.…

St Paul, MN — After 911 received a call from a woman regarding the driver of a truck in front of her, a dispatcher informed officers close to the location to keep their eyes out for “a white male in a red pickup performing oral sex on a white dildo.”

Police responded to the area and noticed a red pickup on University near Wheeler Street being driven by 45-year-old Brian Wutschke. They pulled him over and searched the interior of his truck, which contained several pairs of women’s panties, including a pair hanging from the rear-view mirror and one on the gear shift.

But that was nothing compared to what they found inside Wutschke. After first locating a sex toy underneath his flannel shirt, they also detected a buzzing sound as they were giving him a pat-down. That’s when Wutschke admitted to the officers that he had an electric sex toy shoved up his ass.

None of the officers present wanted to deal with the removal of the sex toy, so they arrested Wutschke and placed him in the squad car.…

Boulder, CO — A Boulder High School teacher has been arrested after two women say he purposely exposed his genitals to them while shopping at two different garage sales.

According to police, Jim Kozlowski was at a garage sale Saturday morning when he employed a horribly ineffective ice-breaker. According to Commander Jeff Satur, Kozlowski intentionally exposed his twig and berries as they both shopped at a garage sale. “The victim said the suspect knelt down near some clothes, with his right knee on the ground and his left knee bent, with his left foot on the ground,” said Satur. “He asked the victim about the clothes, and then he pulled his shorts away from his leg with his left hand so his genitals were exposed through the left leg opening.”

Sure, Kozlowski’s peek-a-boo could have just been accidental, but police say after he left that garage sale his pork sword was spotted at another garage sale a block away. This time a woman stated Kozlowski repeated the same actions as before.…

Portland, OR – Jamie Todd Hensler, 40, who had been booked on charges of assault, harassment, disorderly conduct and reckless endangering earlier this year, is facing new charges of misuse of a drinking fountain, indecent exposure and disorderly conduct after allegedly exposing himself and washing his genitals in a public park’s water fountain in the presence of children.

Witnesses report that Hensler had been attempting to engage children at the park in conversation and, at some point, threw a water balloon in their general direction.  It’s unclear what prompted his next act, which was reportedly to drop his pants to his ankles and begin washing his junk in the water fountain, though I strongly suspect that the “water balloon” may have been filled with another type of liquid and that the inflation technique had proven far from flawless.

“He was bathing in the drinking fountain and had his pants down around his ankles and he was totally exposing himself,” said witness Michael Koopman. “Once I saw that I asked the teacher to bring the kids inside.”

Hensler was soon arrested on the charges mentioned above and banned from the park. …

Browerville, Minn. – Seth Kellen (pictured), 18, and Connor Burns, also 18, have been charged with multiple counts of sexual assault on their basketball teammates.  The attacks allegedly took place in showers (surprise, surprise), hotel rooms, and elevators.  The photos contained in this article are not mugshots, by the way.

Some are calling the attacks part of a hazing ritual, though County Attorney Chuck Rasmussen said this case is not viewed as hazing because “the victims included seniors, and there’s no reason for hazing seniors. Also, the victims said it didn’t feel like a hazing situation.”  Read on and you’ll likely agree with me that it sounds more like the activities of psychopathic, closeted, self-hating homosexuals.

One might now ask oneself if there is a “reason” for hazing underclassmen.  Now, at the risk of seeming like a sissy in the eyes of all closeted meatheads, I must admit that I’ve forever viewed hazing only as a vehicle for sociopaths to dole out punishment on others under the socially-acceptable guise of attempting to build strong bonds within groups of males. …

Houston, TX – Stephanie Dillard, 34, allegedly drove her car, containing her three children, aged 5, 12, and 16, into a city bus last Friday.  Instead of staying at the scene, however, she reportedly left the shaken-up children inside the car in the middle of an intersection and walked away. 

The five-year-old had suffered a laceration above his eye, but the other children did not suffer any more serious injuries; at least not physical ones.

Officers responding to the scene of the accident found the children still in the car.  It took a few minutes to track Dillard down, however.  They eventually found her in a nearby CVS drugstore, eating stolen ice cream naked, having taken her clothes off inside the store.  When police happened upon her, she was in the middle of inserting a tampon.  No, I’m just kidding about that last bit.

Dillard did reportedly resist arrest in a convincing manner, though she is currently only facing child endangerment charges, and not resisting arrest, public nudity, or ice cream theft. …

Boulder, CO – A 27-year-old man identifying himself as Derek Thor Apodaca was arrested for indecent exposure while dancing in a teal blue skirt, black fishnet stockings and a black tank top in front of the Boulder Municipal Building on June 6th.

Apodaca, known as “Thor” for the remainder of this article (because it’s fun), was allegedly performing his expressive dance at around lunch time when he caught the attention of several passers-by by giving them a sneak preview of his nether regions and then asking them for cigarettes.

Police who responded to the scene encountered an apparently intoxicated Thor and asked him if he was wearing anything beneath his skirt.  No such luck, apparently, but he did state that he was being a responsible she-male since, after previously realizing that his pubes were peeking above his waistband, he had donned a shirt and pulled his skirt down to keep his schlong from prying (or not-so-prying) eyes.

However, three witnesses to the events prior to the cop’s arrival had a different story to tell, indicating that Thor, while putting on his stockings, had placed his porksword on full display in a somewhat purposeful manner. …

Orlando, FL – Larchmont, New York’s own John Oldham, 68, was arrested and charged on Monday with two counts of lewd or lascivious exhibition after allegedly exposing himself to two girls, aged 7 and 9, at Disney’s Animal Kingdom Lodge swimming pool.  Public records show Oldham runs TargetVision Entertainment, an independent TV program distributor/media production company.

Oldham reportedly was targeting young girls who were wearing goggles and could presumably see clearly underwater.  The 9-year-old victim says that she was swimming when she almost bumped into Oldham.  She said that the man had his swim trunks hiked up to his waist on one side, exposing what she describes as something resembling…wait for it…a “dog chew toy.”

Upon further investigation, she identified it as his “private,” and later described it to investigators as “disgusting.”  I’m inclined to believe her, even though kids are known to be compulsive liars, often citing me as a “nanny-nanny-poopie-pants,” which I am absolutely not.  After the incident, the girl told her father about what had happened.

Around the same time, Oldham reportedly targeted a 7-year-old victim, who also claims to have had the distinct displeasure of glimpsing his junk. …

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