ANCHORAGE, AK – A man who admitted to choking a woman unconscious before sexually assaulting her will serve no jail time after reaching plea deal.

An unusual assault case has highlighted what some consider to be deep flaws in Alaska’s justice system, and has citizens calling for the ouster of a judge in the case.

It all started with Justin Scott Schneider, a 34-year-old (former) air traffic controller who has developed a problem keeping his hands, and his semen, to himself.

In August 2017, Schneider, who at that point had a clean criminal record, offered a ride to a woman at a gas station. She just wanted to get to her boyfriend’s house. Schneider wanted to get off.

So he drove to an isolated spot, parked the car and grabbed her by the throat, telling her that he would kill her if she screamed. Then he doubled down, telling her that he was going to kill her regardless. Then he choked her out. And jerked off on her.

When she came to, he was zipping up, and explained to her that “he needed her to believe she was going to die so that he could be sexually fulfilled.”

A witness saw Schneider with the victim at the location where the assault occurred, and the victim identified Schneider from a lineup.…

ST PETERSBURG, FL – A Florida man has been accused of burning “smiley” faces on multiple children.

Joshua Mize is a happy guy. And he just wants to spread the smiles.

Literally.

The 21-year-old Florida Man was arrested on September 18th after authorities learned that he had shared a smile with a 5-year-old boy that he babysitting.

Sounds perfectly innocuous, doesn’t it? Hell, compared to the average story on the Demon, sharing a smile with a kid is positively angelic, right? Not the way Mize does it.

He uses a lighter.

Sources don’t say who left the five-year-old in the care of this Trailer-Park-Boys-lookin’ maniac, but we do know that when they got the kid back, he had a smiley face burned onto his right knee. The boy would later tell police that Mize held him down in the living room and used the lighter to give him his new decoration.

What’s more, authorities would learn that this was not Mize’s first attempt at butane-fueled body art.

It seems that, just the day before, he had given a smile to an eight-year-old boy who was left in his care.…

LAKE CITY, FL – An inmate at Columbia Correctional Institution murdered his cellmate, gouged out his eyes, then strolled to breakfast with the victim’s ear on a necklace.

The incident happened early Thursday inside a cell being shared by 58-year-old Larry Mark and another man who has not been identified.

Mark was reportedly aggravating his cellmate to the point that his cellmate strangled him to death. But the cellmate wasn’t done.

After killing Mark, the man gouged out Mark’s eyeballs and placed them in a cup. He reportedly told other inmates he planned to eat them later.

Mark’s body was not discovered until after his killer showed up for breakfast with other inmates and began showing off Mark’s ear that he had fashioned into a stylish necklace.

Unconfirmed reports state Mark’s killer had recently been transferred to Columbia from Florida State Prison where he had been on Death Row.

Obviously, I don’t know Mark so I can’t comment on his character or if he deserved the death he got. However, he was serving a life sentence for beating a cab driver’s skull in for $35 and a wedding ring.…

REEDSBURG, WI – Police have arrested a couple after their 15-year-old son starved to death during the family’s religious-based fast.

God tells people to do wacky shit every day; he has been the cray-cray-whisperer for millennia. And people listen; boy, do they ever.

The Big Man has been on a roll ever since he whispered in Abraham’s ear:

“Then God said, ‘Take your son, your only son, whom you love— Isaac— and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.'” (Genesis 22:2)

…and Abraham grabbed Isaac and some camping gear and got to steppin’.

Of course, anyone who has spent any time in Sunday School knows how that old story plays out: right before the knife comes down on lil’ Isaac, God busts that psych-move, gets a good belly-laugh, and spares Isaac, much to the chagrin of a nearby ram, who got the honor of dying for God instead.

You’d think at some point, people would stop listening to the ol’ Cosmic Jokester, since his commands always seem to end with someone dying a horrible death, but no.…

MOUNT VERNON, WA – Police arrested a man after he admitted to cutting off his girlfriend’s head in front of their 3-year-old daughter because God told him to.

Vanessa Cons, 27, and Timothy Hernandez, 32, lived together with their 3-year-old daughter at the home of Hernandez’s parents.

On Sunday Hernandez’s parents left to go to church. When they returned a few hours later they were greeted by a horrific site.

Cons was lying dead on the floor with her decapitated head positioned on her back like some kind of macabre art exhibit.

The couple called police to report what they had found while also letting them know their son and his daughter were not at the home.

When police arrived they found that, aside from having her head sawed off, Cons had also suffered multiple stab wounds to her back, neck and to the back of her head.

A butcher knife was found in the sink with a clean blade but with blood and hair on the handle.

Police would locate Hernandez with his daughter at the nearby Cascade Mall, where Hernandez would readily admit that he was responsible for killing Cons.…

MOGOCHINO, RUSSIA – News outlets in Russia are reporting that a 15-year-old used a chainsaw to decapitate himself after losing at a video game.

Now let me preface this with the fact that this story is coming from Russia, so who the hell knows what is actually factual or not.

I decided to put my Russian to the test (Google translate) and browsed some Russian news sites reporting on this incident. They are all pretty much copies of one another with similar details.

What’s being reported is that 15-year-old Pavel Matveev got so upset after losing a video game on his computer that he went into his backyard and used a chainsaw to decapitate himself.

Some have already called into question the validity of this claim as it doesn’t seem possible that anyone could chainsaw off their own head. Personally, if true, I would imagine it is all in the execution.

Like, you would have to rig it so it stayed running and stationary as you just kind of lay the back of your neck on the running blade.…

ANCHORAGE, AK — A mother has been charged with murder after two of her baby daughters die two years apart.

Last November, 23-year-old Stephany LaFountain called emergency services to report her 13-month-old daughter was not breathing.

The girl was taken to the hospital where she would die four days later. It would later be determined that the girl had died from lack of oxygen to the brain.

Looking into LaFountain’s past, investigators learned that she had lost another daughter in a similar fashion two years prior.

In 2015, while in a relationship with a different man, LaFountain had a 4-month-daughter that died. Police did not believe the death was the result of foul play at that time.

But now? After LaFountain had lost two baby girls in the same way within two years?

“The autopsy results and medical records for both children showed that they were entirely healthy, with no genetic abnormalities, no diseases, and no injuries,” police stated in a news release.

Investigators started to focus their attention on LaFountain and decided to check out her Internet activity.…

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Man has admitted to killing a city employee and neighbors’ pets after he was told to clean up his yard.

It doesn’t matter where you go, or how nice the neighborhood is, there’s always one asshole fucking it up for everyone else.

Uncut yard, shit strewn everywhere, broken-down cars: each and every one a middle finger to the rest of the poor bastards that have to live nearby. And they’re always complete shits about it, too.

Kevin Wayne Billings is that asshole. And he likes it that way. Enough to split somebody’s wig over it.

If it wasn’t for assholes like Billings, we wouldn’t have to have municipal codes. Or municipal code enforcement officers. But then Billings had his own solution to this last problem.

Neighbors apparently got tired of looking at his shitty yard and all the “unregistered” (read: junk) vehicles parked atop it. The West Valley City, Utah code enforcement bureaucrats received multiple complaints about Billing’s deficient domicile and he was notified of the code violations on July 24th.…

RURAL RETREAT, VA – A woman has been accused of cutting off her boyfriend’s head allegedly demanded arresting police officers “to take me back and let me get my heads.”

Sometimes a trinket is all we have by which to remember a departed loved one. The need for that trinket, that last link, can exceed rationality.

Roena Mills, 41, knows. She’s no April Fool.

She is batshit crazy, though.

When Mercer County deputies were called to a house in Lerona, West Virginia, by annoyed residents this past April 1st, they found her deranged ass bouncing around, bloody and single-gloved, with “a pocket knife in her pants”.

Mills had been trying to convince the homeowners to loan her a chainsaw and some gasoline. They declined and offered to give her a ride somewhere. She declined their counteroffer. And refused to leave.

Deputies later reported that her eyes were glazed and that she kept talking to an unseen person whom she called “Daddy.”

She gave a false name and blamed all the blood on having been thrown through a glass door.…

CHICAGO, IL – A 16-year-old girl and an 18-year-old boy have been accused of killing another teen by stabbing him, setting him on fire, then running him over when he tried running away.

Firefighters were in the middle of training last Tuesday when they noticed smoke in a nearby field. When they went to investigate, they found the smoldering body of 18-year-old Luis Guerrero.

It wasn’t long before police had three teens in custody and charged in connection to Guerrero’s murder, all thanks to the parents of 18-year-old Francisco Alvarado.

Turns out that while police were on the scene, Alvarado’s parents told them their son was an acquaintance of Guerrero’s and that there was unexplained blood stains in their Jeep their son had borrowed that night.

This information led police to 18-year-old  Jesus Correa who took them to a motel where Alvarado was staying with 16-year-old Tia Brewer.

Inside the room police found Guerrero’s bloody backpack, a knife and screwdriver, as well as bags of food and clothing that indicated the couple were about to take a trip.…

FOREST CITY, NC — No charges will be filed against the 15-year-old girl who shot and killed her mother’s abusive boyfriend.

Who wants to end the week on a happy note?

I do! I do!

Steven Kelley is such an asshole, he had to leave Indiana.

He had active domestic violence protection orders on his sorry ass from two different women in two different states, and I guess they made things pretty hot for him. So he loaded up the truck and he moved to Forest City. N.C., that is.

Of course, you can’t be a wife-beater without a wife, so Kelley brought along his new punching bag, girlfriend Chandra Nierman, 44, and her kids: a 12-year-old son and 15- and 16-year-old daughters. He should have left the kids in Indiana.

Changes in latitude, changes in attitude? Yeah, right. Different state, same old shit. He was up to his old tricks in no time.

Constant threats became action on August 4th, when Kelley started beating on Nierman and fired off a couple of rounds inside the house to make his point.…

DELRAY BEACH, FL – The shooting of a 10-year-old boy has been linked to a decades long feud between three Florida families, say police.

Everyone has heard of the Hatfields and the McCoys.

The two families, who lived by the Big Sandy River along the modern-day border of Kentucky and West Virginia, engaged in a bloody 19th-century feud that lasted almost thirty years.

This feud is a well-known part of American folklore, and has become synonymous with internecine, interfamily hillbilly warfare. It ended with dozens killed and wounded on both sides of the affair.

It’s the kind of thing that you read about and think “Stupid hillbillies! I’m so glad we’ve evolved beyond that as a culture.”

Not in Florida, baby!

Florida has its own modern-day Hatfield-McCoy Feud, and while it takes place in an urban setting, the Northwest and Southwest neighborhoods in Delray Beach, it is just as bloody and just as stupid as the original.

Partisans siding with three longstanding Delray Beach families have been fighting since a 2009 nightclub dust-up, the cause of which no one even remembers any more, except for the vague recollection that there was a diss involved.…


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