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TACOMA, WA – A couple in Washington have been accused of killing a man so they could live in his home.

Meth leads to some strange problem-solving strategies.

Like when Jeremy and Lorena Shaw needed a new place to live. Shaw just picked out a nice house and killed Homeowner Dude, then moved right in.

Problem solved.

Authorities allege that Shaw used a sham petition as an excuse to case Steven Morphis’ secluded seven-acre property, and to obtain a copy of his signature.

On September 19th, Shaw returned and subdued Morphis by pepper-spraying him, then bludgeoned him repeatedly and cut his throat. After hiding the body, he brought his beloved wife Lorena to their “new home,” warning her not to go into the shed.

And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t’ve been for those damned handymen.

As is usual when the ingestion of lots of meth is involved, things went a bit awry for the couple on the evening of September 20th, when two handymen found Morphis’ body in a shed, bound hand and foot and wrapped in a tarp and a comforter.…

MISSOULA, MT — Man accused of leaving a 5-month-old baby in the woods after a car crash because the baby was “very heavy.”

Francis Carlton Crowley is unconscionably lazy. And just a teensy bit high.

On Saturday, September 8th, deputies were dispatched to Lolo Hot Springs, Montana after receiving a disturbance complaint involving a man making threats and claiming to have a gun.

When they finally located Crowley, he was disoriented and nonsensical, but they were able to determine two things (besides the obvious fact that he was as fucked-up as a football bat); one: he had been in a car crash at some point earlier in the day, and two: a five-month-old baby that had been “left in his care” was missing.

The latter of the two was obviously more important to deputies, but Crowley was of little assistance; he wasn’t sure what had become of the infant. Maybe he was lying on the side of the road, maybe he was buried in the woods. All Crowley was certain of was the reason he abandoned the infant: the child was “very heavy.”

A search team consisting of local, state and federal authorities scoured the area.…

ST ALBANS, WV – Police have arrested a man after he huffed spray paint then beat his mother over the head with a spatula.

Glenn Allen Casdorph loves paint. His mother? Maybe not so much.

About 10:45 PM last Thursday, September 13th, police in St. Albans, West Virginia were dispatched to a residence in reference to a domestic incident involving injuries.

That’s cop-speak for “Glenn’s up to his old tricks again.”

When they arrived, officers found Glenn Allen Casdorph, 30, AKA “Casdorph the Destroyer,” AKA “Squirrel,” sitting on a bench in the front yard, brandishing a steel bar and besmeared with copious amounts of silver spray-paint.

It is a well-known fact to connoisseurs of spray paint that the silver and gold varietals have both the best bouquet and the best buzz. And Casdorph the Destroyer is no novice when it comes to huffing paint.

Having dealt with Casdorph multiple times in relation to his predilection for solvent abuse, his condition was probably not surprising to responding officers. And given his history of responding violently to anyone who attempted to curtail his illicit love of fluorocarbons, what they found in the house probably didn’t surprise them either.…

FORT PIERCE, FL – Police in Florida arrested a man for giving his girlfriend a “wet willy” during an argument.

Ah, Florida Man. You are crude, violent and shameless, bereft of common sense and common decency, and inevitably oh-so-entertaining.

And you are prone to stick your willy where it doesn’t belong.

Sometimes it’s an underaged orifice, sometimes it’s just an unreceptive one. Sometimes it’s a knothole in a fence or even a dead animal.

Sometimes it’s not even really a willy.

St. Lucie County, Florida denizen Joseph Jean Sireci, 47, took domestic abuse into the realm of the ludicrous in a quintessential Homo floridius manner.

On August 15th, Sireci’s better half came home from a long day at work to find him laying on the living room floor, unshaven and stinking of booze, drunk as a blind weasel and just as testy.

Sources don’t specify, but I imagine she had something to say to his worthless ass. He definitely had something to say back.

She would later tell authorities that Sireci was “arguing with her and being rude,” so she decided to take the kids and go to a friend’s house.…

KENNEWICK, WA – Police have arrested a man after he was caught sexually assaulting an injured beaver that had been hit by a car.

On Monday evening, a woman at a Washington park saw a beaver get run over by a car. In an attempt to help the animal the woman wrapped it in a towel then went to her nearby home to retrieve a box to contain the animal.

When she returned a short time later she saw 35-year-old Richard Delp lying on top of the beaver. At first, she thought Delp was trying to help the animal.

Upon closer inspection, she was horrified to find the beaver was on its back and the man’s pants were unzipped, unbuttoned, and unbuckled. When she asked what he did to him, the man replied: “it’s not a him, it’s a her.

The woman called police who responded to the park and arrested Delp. There was nothing that could be done for the beaver as it died before police even got there.…

WINSTON-SALEM, NC – Two women were arrested after they recorded themselves letting three children smoke what appeared to be marijuana and posted the video on Facebook.

Idiots love Facebook.

They love to post the minutiae of their meaningless little lives. They love to post the drama that dominates their days, and the naughtiness that consumes their nights. But most of all, they like to post the incriminating evidence that ultimately will be their undoing.

Just ask these two nitwits from North Carolina.

Michaela Mary-Elizabeth Pearson, 21, and Candice Jasmine Little, 18, both of Winston-Salem, NC, got busted for being a bit too giving.

Winston-Salem is a town that made its fortune on the backs of tobacco smokers the world over, but these two were smoking something else when they got the bright idea to share their stash with the young children that they were babysitting.

So share they did, getting an 18-month-old, a 2-year-old and a 3-year-old nice and blunted, because nothing screams “responsible babysitter” like returning the kids you have been watching higher than they were when you got them.…

CHARLESTON, WV – A television meteorologist has been charged with battery after she cracked the skull of her station’s news anchor during an argument over a man.

According to police, WSAZ-TV news anchor Erica Bivens was at a bar drinking with her husband when they ran into the station’s weather girl, 26-year-old Chelsea Ambriz.

Ambriz, who worked with Bivens on the 4 p.m. forecast, allegedly began flirting with Bivens’ husband. He turned her down and went back to stand with his wife.

When he told her what had just happened, Bivens walked over to Ambriz and confronted her. Ambriz became physically aggressive and started pushing Bivens.

Both women grappled and ended up falling near the bar, causing Bivens to suffer a fractured skull and a ruptured eardrum.

Bivens told police she had problems with Ambriz being aggressive with her in the past.

Ambriz was arrested and charged with misdemeanor battery and now facing a year in jail if convicted. Ambriz told friends she has been suspended from her job.…

DRAPER, UT – A couple are accused of running a drug operation out of their home and feeding their toddlers pot to keep them quiet.

Jacob Francis Sickler, 28, and Katie Jennifer Blackham, 40, are entrepreneurs. And they figured out a revolutionary way to keep the kids from fussin’!

Unfortunately for them, they are likely to go to jail for their innovative new approach. And their business.

It seems that authorities in Draper, Utah take a dim view of freelance special-brownie-peddlin’. Who’d have guessed?

You’d think that it was all the bragging about their brilliant business venture that set the cops wise to the Dynamic Duo, but it was actually family members. Plural.

It seems that relatives were concerned enough about the couple’s three- and four-year-old children to drop dime on them, telling the Division of Child and Family Services that the kids were exposed to drug use, were dirty and unkempt, and were losing weight due to the neglect.

Neglected kids are often fussy, but not these two; the Wonder Twins were feeding the wee ones weed to keep them quiet.…

COLUMBIA, MO – A couple in Missouri have been arrested after police say the woman prostituted her severely disabled 14-year-old daughter in exchange for money and drugs.

Last year, the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children received a tip regarding the disabled teen “being left in hotel rooms with strange men.”

The tipster told investigators the teen has a mental capacity of a two- or three-year-old and suffered from cerebral palsy, autism, and deafness.

They said the girl was being left alone in hotel rooms with strange men for long periods of time.

Police immediately took the girl into protective custody and learned what was going on with the girl and these men in these hotel rooms and why.

Allegedly, the girl’s mother, 49-year-old Renee Collins, and her mother’s boyfriend, 44-year-old William Thomas Jr., were prostituting the girl in exchange for money and cocaine.

The teen told police she had been raped by men after they offered Collins cocaine and in one instance, the “bad men” put a needle in the girl’s arm and injected her with “medicine” after they were done raping her.…

CAYCE, SC – A man in South Carolina called police to his home to help him find his missing bag of meth.

I always thought Officer Friendly was a myth- some fairy tale they told you in elementary school, like Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny, or the Honest Politician.

Turns out Officer Friendly is real. A meth-head in Cayce, SC met him.

When the unnamed 24 year-old, who is a strong contender for Dumbest Criminal of 2018, went to indulge in his favorite narcotic this past Sunday, he was mortified to find that his meth was missing.

He could have taken this development as a warning from the Good Lord Above not to speed on Sunday, but he didn’t.

He could have run amok and gotten all stabby with the other denizens of his lair (the most popular response to missing meth), but he didn’t.

He could have even gone out and bought more meth. Nope.

You’d never guess what he did in a million years if the headline didn’t give it away.…

SEYMOUR, IN – Police have arrested a man after he failed to call 911 after his 8-year-old son accidentally ate a large quantity of meth.

On the morning of June 21, Curtis Collman III was in the custody of his father, 41-year-old Gilbert Collman.

The boy decided to eat some cereal he found on a plate at his father’s house, unaware that the cereal was actually meth. Several grams of it.

Before Curtis realized he was not eating cereal, police say he’d eaten enough to kill a grown man.

When his father found his son in medical distress, he did not call 911. Instead, he decided to call a friend to come over and help.

The friend told Gilbert he needed to call 911, but Gilbert wasn’t having it and took the woman’s cellphone to prevent her from calling. According to police, he also held a gun to the woman and threatened her life.

Still unwilling to get his son medical help, Gilbert loaded the boy up and drove him to his parents’ house.…

ARLINGTON, TN – A mother in Tennessee has been charged after she left her 6-month-old child in a car so she could go into a restaurant to drink Margaritas.

A couple were leaving the Cazadores Mexican Grill one evening last month when they heard a baby crying in the parking lot.

After a quick search, they found a baby in the back seat of a vehicle that was not running with the windows partially rolled down. Even worse, the doors were unlocked.

The outside temperature outside at the time was 92 degrees so the temperature inside the vehicle were quite a bit higher. The couple stated the baby did not seem to need emergency medical assistance, but she was sweating and obviously not happy about her situation.

The couple called 911 and emergency responders arrived at the scene to check on the child. It was only then that 26-year-old Rachel Vanwagner ran out of the restaurant barefoot to claim the infant.

She told police she purposefully left her child in the car for about 30 minutes so she could take part in the National Tequila Day festivities and had only been in the restaurant for about 30 minutes.…


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