The Dexter Recap: #405 – Dirty Harry

October 27, 2009 at 1:41 pm by  

Other than perhaps a bit too much of John Lithgow‘s bare ass in some of the earlier episodes, what is not to love about Dexter this season? I thought it would be impossible to ever dethrone the second season as my personal favorite. But so far, season four is electrifying. Best of all, this season seems to be really digging at the audience, trying to make each viewer decide, “what is my code.” We all know the central question the show poses – is Dexter (and his actions) right or wrong? But even if you decide Dex is wrong, this wonderful little show is infamous for getting you to cheer on the self-proclaimed “monster.” And when you begin to cheer on the monster, you are forced to perceive some of the people close to him as a threat to his survival.…

The projectionist could’ve run this film backwards, and I don’t think I would’ve noticed. Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant is a Hollywood attempt to massage author Darren Shan’s 12-part saga of vampires and teenagers into a viable, cash-cow franchise. Spanning the first three novels, Assistant doesn’t tell a story as much as it hurls everything that isn’t nailed down against the wall to see what sticks. Labored and often tedious, the picture is a friendly stab at Burtonesque macabre antics, but director Paul Weitz is in way over his head trying to juggle huge portions of the grotesque and the epic. 16-year-old Darren (Chris Massoglia) is an average teen with good grades and a love for spiders. Finding a flyer for the Cirque du Freak sideshow, Darren decides to attend with impulsive best friend Steve (the limited Josh Hutcherson), finding …

Review Of The Stepfather

October 16, 2009 at 11:16 am by  

What would the world be like without horror remakes? Probably a happier place. The Stepfather was a 1987 genre classic, constructing a tremendously suspenseful chiller out of a fine collection of untested actors and mere pennies for a budget. Take out a few synth stings and fogged lighting techniques, and it still holds up damn well today, elevated by Terry O’Quinn’s masterful take on demented Robert Young envy. The new Stepfather is 100 minutes of dopey behavior and filmmaking inanity wrapped up tight in a bland, gutless PG-13 wooby, taking a proven premise and watering it down to a parade of nonsense created only to tickle gullible teen audiences. We’ve danced this dance a hundred times before, but it never ceases to kill a few brain cells and leave behind deep scratches of impatience on the armrest.…

Let’s Talk About Zombie Strippers!

October 12, 2009 at 11:49 am by  

The Bush (Jr.) Administration has done away with The United States as we know it. Just elected to its 4th term (With Arnold Schwarzenegger as Vice), they have disbanded Congress, banned public nudity,and entered into wars with most of the world. Faced with a situation in which there are not enough soldiers, a re-animation virus is developed in a government laboratory. The virus breeches containment of course, and soon the entire laboratory is overrun with zombies. A team of marines is sent in to gain control; one is bitten and later dies inside a strip club named Rhino. When he awakes as a zombie he bites Kat, the star dancer, who is transformed into the walking dead – and becomes a better and more popular stripper than when she was alive. The rest of the girls come to realize that they will have to transform as well, or face the prospect of losing all their customers to Kat. …

Let’s Talk About Paranormal Activity

October 11, 2009 at 11:03 am by  

Katie and Micah are a couple experiencing some strange events in their home; strange noises, lights turning off and on by themselves, and soft whispering in the middle of the night. This is not an odd occurrence for Katie — this kind of thing has been happening to her since she was a child. Some kind of entity has been following her all her life, no matter where she lives. But now she is with Micah, and this stubborn day trader is not gonna just sit back and let some “thing” come into his house and start scaring the shit out of them. He decides that he is going to take care of the problem himself, but in order to do so he needs to know what he is up against. He starts by purchasing a camera to start recording the things happening around the home, his hope being that by capturing any of the phenomena on film, then they will be better equipped to solve the problem. At first Katie is reluctant, thinking that this will just make the situation worse, but she consents and even lets Micah set the camera up to record them while they sleep.…

Review: Tormented – By This Dumbass Movie

October 8, 2009 at 2:18 pm by  

Justine has just jumped up a few rungs on her school’s social ladder after being accepted into the leading clique that rules the halls of her school. Sure, in doing so she has had to make a couple sacrifices in the form losing two of her disappointed BFFs – but the trade off is worth it as now she gets to make fun of other people and let Alexis hide his sausage in her vagina. But all is not well within this nasty group of elitist, bullying pricks. Seems as if the one person who was the main target of their antics committed suicide recently. He was a large, passive and seemingly retarded Darren Mullet who was picked on relentlessly by Justine’s new group of friends. The bullying came in all forms. Physical attacks and humiliation as well as mental abuse and harassment via constant text messages and a public website that showed off their often filmed exploits. Darren decided this shit sucks and chose to stop his tormentors by removing himself from the equation at the end of a noose.…

Old School Review – Fade to Black

October 6, 2009 at 9:56 am by  

Eric Binford is a shy, chain-smoking movie nut who is often ridiculed by his peers. Working at a film distribution warehouse and living with his eccentric (and often times abusive) Aunt Stella, he delves deeply into film as a means of solace and, perhaps, power. Eric becomes a film aficionado, but spends quite a bit of time straddling the lines of reality; often quoting his favorite character Arthur “Cody” Jarrett (Played by James Cagney in White Heat), and almost constantly spouting movie references and trivia. This obsession with film is just another source of the jeering and ridicule he endures. His Aunt thinks he’s nuts, his boss can’t stand him, and the guys at work think he’s a joke. To top things off, Eric is stood up (un-intentionally) by Marilyn O’Connor – a stunning Marilyn Monroe look-alike – who agreed to a date. That was the proverbial last straw and Eric finally loses it (homicidally so).  He begins a campaign of payback, progressing through his tormentors, using the characters from the films he has come to love.…

The world’s human population has been infected with a human version of mad cow disease. Anyone afflicted with this particular ailment is rendered a crazed zombie hell-bent on nothing but feasting on the flesh of anyone not suffering the effects of the virus. Columbus has survived the initial onslaught by following 47 rules of zombie survival and is now making his way towards his parents to see if they have survived as well. As he navigates the urban wasteland he teams up with a Dale Earnhardt loving redneck named Tallahassee. Traveling alone like Columbus, he has an uncanny knack for dispatching zombies and a real strong hankerin’ for a creme filled Twinkie. They decide to try and partner up for a bit and see how it works out and for a while, it’s smooth sailing for the odd couple. That is until they meet Wichita and Little Rock, two crafty sisters making their way towards Pacific Playland amusement park – rumored to be a zombie free zone. Against all of their better judgment these vagabonds join forces and must decide if trusting and depending on each other is worth abandoning the rules that have kept them alive this long.…

Oldskool Review: The Mutilator

October 1, 2009 at 11:02 pm by  

Ed Jr and his college friends are hanging around the local watering hole lamenting the fact that they have absolutely nothing planned for fall break. But that changes when Ed’s father calls and informs his son that he needs him to go to their beach condo and close it up for the winter. Ed finds the request strange seeing as him and his father have not been on good terms ever since Ed actually killed his mother while cleaning some guns for his dad’s birthday. Nevertheless, Ed agrees and decides to take his friends along and make a vacation out of it. But what should have been a relaxing, drunken break from academics will turn into something much more terrifying. Turns out Ed’s father has grown quite insane since the death of his wife, and he now he wants revenge. The request to prep the condo was merely a trap and Ed and his friends have walked right into it. Read on for more info on The Mutilator than anyone could possibly ever need.…

Halloween. All Hallow’s Eve. Samhain. The holiday associated with costumes, candy, carved pumpkins and of course, trick-or-treating. But like most holidays, these long-held traditions stem from important rituals long since forgotten. Halloween was not always just for the kiddies, and it had some very important rules that were to be followed with terrible consequences awaiting those who did not do so. The residents of Warren Valley hold their a festival on Halloween night,  turning their sleepy town into a spectacle akin to New Orleans’  Mardi Gras festivities. But some of the residents there are about to learn some very valuable lessons about this holiday and what can happen when the old rules are broken, and the warnings not heeded. Four tales of terror featuring a school principal who teaches a mischievous boy a valuable lesson, a group of kids learn the truth about a local legend that lies at bottom of the local rock quarry, a young woman is stalked by a masked stranger at the town festival, and an old-curmudgeon gets a very special trick-or-treater.…

A Nightmare On Elm Street Trailer

September 28, 2009 at 10:21 am by  

The trailer for the latest classic horror icon to get the reboot treatment has finally arrived, and it doesn’t look too bad. Fans of the Nightmare series are hemming and hawing over Robert Englund not being the actor adorning the green-and-red striped sweater, fedora and legendary glove but personally I don’t care too much one way or the other. I think Jackie Earle Haley will do a fine job. However, this is Platinum Dunes we are talking about and they hare responsible for rebooting\remaking other horror franchises like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Amityville Horror, The Hitcher and Friday the 13th. I thought they all stunk. Not because I am against remakes or feel they take away from the originals as in some cases remakes are damn good (The Thing, Hills Have Eyes, The Fly, Dawn of the Dead anyone?), but simply because these movies were God-awful pieces of shit.  So no matter how decent the following trailer looks, I just cannot shake the feeling that like their previous entries, this movie end up sucking ass.…

Review: Pig Hunt

September 24, 2009 at 8:56 pm by  

John’s uncle passed away recently, leaving him with a large chunk of land that him and his friends plan to use for a few days of camping and pig hunting. But their weekend of booze, boar and guns gets ruined rather quickly – and not just because John tainted the testosterone-laden circle jerk by bringing his hot girlfriend along with them. The further they get into the woods in hunt of their elusive prey, they find that there are a lot of really strange things in these neck of the woods. Along with the unpredictable, country-fried Tibbs brothers the hunting party also run into mutilated emus, homicidal rednecks, marijuana fields, naked Hippie Cult Girls with their machete wielding leader, and the local legend -a 3000 lb, man-eating black boar named The Ripper. Check out the trailer and my thoughts after the jump…


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