Review: District 9 – You Are Not Welcome Here

August 17, 2009 at 2:28 pm by  

In 1990, an alien ship the size of a small town parked directly over Johannesburg, Africa. The inhabitants, a worker class of insectoid aliens from a planet unknown, are stranded on Earth with no way back. The world leaders figure out a way to facilitate our new visitors by housing them in a government camp named District 9. After 20 years of militarization and overcrowding, District 9 is rendered a slum full of 1. 8 million “Prawns” – the derogatory slang used to describe them because of their crustacean features – who without leadership, have slowly devolved into an aggressive pack of scavengers. After pressure from the human inhabitants of Johannesburg who fear for their well-being, the privately owned Multi-National United are called in to relocate the 1.8 million aliens from their current slum to a tent city located outside of Johannesburg. That’s where District 9 picks up, as we follow Wikus van der Merwe, a company lackey and super-nerd, whose new promotion has him overseeing the operation of “legally” evicting the aliens from their current home.…

Review: World’s Greatest Dad

August 15, 2009 at 9:07 pm by  

Spending his directorial career in search of the proper script with the proper oddity to fit his established sense of humor, Bobcat Goldthwait has finally captured the secret formula with World’s Greatest Dad. A pitch-perfect black comedy, Dad drips with the sort of acidic smile that Goldthwait has built a career upon, bravely marching forward as not only one of the most uproarious films of the year, but perhaps the most accurate depiction of teen bile ever to grace the screen. It’s a double miracle: a stupendous comedy and a great argument for mass sterilization.…

Four people answer a classified ad in the local paper looking for individuals who would like to get paid for taking part in a psychological research study for the day. After arriving at the specified location, each of them are then transported to another part of town and subsequently locked in a room with nothing more than a couple tables and some chairs – all of which are bolted to the floor. They’re told that they will be there for the day and would earn $250. What they are not told is that they are now unwilling participants in a more modern, more violent version of a covert CIA mind-control program called Project MK-ULTRA. Thought to have ended in the ’60s, this unlucky group is about to find out the program is still alive and kicking – though the guidelines have changed quite a bit – and there is a good chance they may never leave this room alive.…

Off on a honeymoon in Hawaii, screenwriter Cliff (Steve Zahn) and babyfevered Cydney (Milla Jovovich) are looking for adventure, seeking out a special trail to a secret beach for excitement. Hitting the mountainside, the couple runs into outdoorsy superman Nick (Timothy Olyphant) and his girlfriend Gina (Kiele Sanchez). Striking up a tentative friendship, Nick wins over the gang with his wild stories of near-death experiences and military history. Learning of the presence of a killer on the island, Cliff’s paranoia kicks into overdrive, leading him to suspect Nick and Gina of wrongdoing; but another couple (Marley Shelton and Chris Hemsworth) nearby fits the profile, leaving Cliff and Cydney eager to leave the beach before they become the next two victims.…

In the abysmal, black, soulless heart of cinematic tinkering lies a beast so unscrupulously dumb that it makes the higher brain functions of a California peach seem like sonnets from the world’s finest poet. Well, maybe that’s taking it a bit too far. Syngenor isn’t that terrible of a film. Its stupidity is actually kind of endearing in some ways and brutally unforgiving in others. If you’re in the mood for a complete reality zone out session lasting roughly a couple of hours, then this is your bacon wrapped enchilada. There is something about a film that has no qualms dancing in the sewer of bad taste, really kicking up the brown stuff and never looking back to see who gets sprayed that gets to me every time. It’s got lunatics, corporate yuppy greed, drug abuse, and synthetic monster soldiers whose weakness includes….well….everything. Even water burns them. That’s right, water. That’s something I never thought I’d see since hanging out with the Neon Maniacs. Bravo Syngenor! You’re my new best, worse friend.…

Review: The Collector – He Always Takes One

August 3, 2009 at 2:26 pm by  

The Collector is a serial killer with a rather interesting hobby. Taking notes from Manhunter‘s Tooth Fairy and a bit of Pulp Fiction’s Gimp, he imprisons families in their homes, aided with a series of meticulous booby traps. Once the family has been secured he begins to torture them to death, keeping only one of them for reasons only known to him. But unfortunately for The Collector, the family he is currently visiting has received another uninvited, late night guest. He is a burglar equipped with a conscious. He has broken into the home in hopes of a big score but instead finds himself trapped inside and embroiled in a life-or-death game of cat and mouse with a masked murderer, as he tries to escape the home and save the family in the process.…

Four college students are on a road trip documenting the cultural history of rural areas. After three days of travelling backroads, they have grown bored with fields, covered bridges and large balls of twine. They want something juicy and adventurous for their project and end up finding it in the backwoods, Ozark Mountain town of Shiloh. They have been informed of the town’s local legend, a place deep in the woods called the Albino Farm that is rumored to contain a regular cornucopia of mutants and sideshow freaks. It’s all just tall tales of course, stories dreamed up by locals to scare the children. But with no real material for their project, these four geniuses decide they should look into the legitimacy of the Albino Farm by finding the location of this remote, mutant farm in the woods and, you know, investigate it. At night. If the synopsis to this piece of shit sounds remotely interesting, by all means, read on. If not, no worries. the film is as bad as it sounds.…

A family is on the mends after suffering the mental anguish of a stillborn baby. After coming through the event a bit battle scarred, Kate and John Coleman decide that it is time for them to devote the love they were to give the daughter that died in the womb, to another little girl who they feel deserves it. After shopping around the local orphanage, they settle on a strange little girl named Esther. Polite, articulate, and extremely mature for her age – Esther is different from her peers and the couple feel she would fit in perfect with them and their two kids. But quicker than you can say The Good Son, Esther’s true colors begin to show as she begins acting out a devious plan, a plan that begins with the dismantling of her new family.…

A group of 14-year-old hoodlums ditch school and gather at the graffiti marked foundations of a dilapidated building within some nearby woods. Their plan is to simply hang out, grill some burgers and drink a couple beers. While tooling around the wooded trails in a stolen moped that had been brought along, they accidentally hit Peter, a drifter searching the woods for his lost dog. At first the teens are wary of Peter, him being an adult and all, but quickly warm up to him as he takes on an almost Peter Pan role – becoming both a peer and a mentor. But things take a sinister turn when Peter’s personality continually shifts back-and-forth between kindred spirit and a man with some severe mental issues. Before long, Peter will not let any of the kids leave the woods as he attempts to teach the boys some life lessons, and ratchets up his “tough love” style of teaching to humiliating and criminal levels.…

Review: Meatball Machine

July 18, 2009 at 9:19 pm by  

Craving a Japanese horror, sci-fi love story? Who isn’t? Well Yûdai Yamaguchi and Jun’ichi Yamamoto’s Meatball Machine should stifle those cravings, even if its just for a little bit. It’s quite splatastic, involving alien parasites who use human bodies as their own personal battle stations, turning their hosts into bio-mechanical messes called Necroborgs. If you are one of the unlucky individuals who has one of these aliens enter your body, you find yourself completely at the mercy of your invader as you are forced to track down other Necroborg’s and engage in battles to the bloody death. The weapons used vary, but in every case these weapons are built out of you – the alien using advanced technology to transform your flesh into a variety of weapons. …

Joey Rosso (Don Michael Paul) and his father Big Joe (Lawrence Dane) own an independent trucking operation that is occasionally contracted by sleazy bar owner Tiny Doyle (Ned Beatty). This business relationship hits a snag when Tiny’s drunken sons are accused of causing the traffic accident that takes the lives of Joey’s mother and two younger sisters. Having no real proof that the accident was anything more than just that, the judge is forced to let them all go with a small fine. This begins a bit of tit-for-tat as Joey and his father try to get some justice for their lost loved ones. But the level of violence escalates to the point that Joey finds his father in the hospital and his girlfriend raped. This pushes him over the edge, and we witness Joey – during a musical montage no less – using spare parts from a junkyard to build the 8-ton monstrosity he will use to right some wrongs.…

Review: Deadbeat At Dawn

July 13, 2009 at 8:01 pm by  

Deadbeat At Dawn is essentially West Side Story shooting heroin between it’s toes; a film so chock full of raging testosterone that it should come with a warning sticker cautioning people that repeated viewing may cause male pattern balding in men and women alike. It’s a dirty, hateful, nihilistic romp where every character is misogynist, sadist, psychotic, a burnout, or some bitter flavor in between. And everything about this film is a mean spirited punch to the balls; the cinematic equivalent of a 3,000 megaton middle finger to the world. Needless to say I loved every filthy, gut wrenching minute of it!…


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