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DURHAM, NC – An aggressive driver, whose antics behind the wheel caused locals to use social media to get him off the road, has had his sentencing delayed after a judge questioned his plea deal that would have him serve no jail time.

Close your eyes. Now imagine the most aggressive driver you’ve ever encountered. Imagine someone even more aggressive than that. No, even worse.

Imagine a Road Douche so bad that other social-media-savvy local drivers teamed up with police to hunt his ass down and kill him.

Okay, that last part is just wishful thinking on my part. You can open your eyes now.

The asshole you are looking at is Maurice Beckwith, 52, of Durham, NC, and he is the King of the Road Douches.

I don’t know what his problem is, maybe a bad case of “Boy Named Sue” syndrome, or a pair of undescended testicles, or a chronic case of Vaginal Silicosis.

Whatever it is, he’s had it for a long time; he has “driving while license revoked” convictions as far back as January of 2003, so he’s definitely an OG Road Douche.…

YORK, SC – A homeless man has been charged after a woman left him alone with her 13-year-old daughter and he propositioned the teen while performing sex acts on himself.

Leonard Dale Dover is a shitty guest.

An unnamed York County, South Carolina mother saw the homeless man get caught in a downpour and took pity on him. She invited him into her home so that he could get out of the rain.

Then, for some completely inexplicable reason that I just cannot fathom, she went to the store and left her 13-year-old daughter alone with Dover.

Left her 13-year-old daughter alone with a man that she didn’t know from Adam.

Daughter. Alone. Strange man. Let that sink in.

I give this lady all the credit in the world for being compassionate. Helping a fellow human that is in distress is a laudable thing to do. Seriously.

But. And this is a big ‘but’. Third-row-of-the-church-choir-sized ‘but’.

According to the National Alliance on Metal Illness, of homeless adults staying in shelters, an estimated 46% “live with severe mental illness and/or substance use disorders.”

That’s one in two.…

LEXINGTON COUNTY, SC – Police say the former leader of the South Carolina Republican Party killed his mother’s dog because he is Jesus Christ and God commanded him to.

Meet Todd Kincannon. He’s bat-shit crazy.

He used to be a mover and a shaker. At one point, the 37-year-old South Carolina man was the executive director of the SC Republican Party. Now he’s the reborn son of a vengeful, dog-smiting god.

His downhill slide has been ongoing for a few years. In April of 2015, he was arrested for criminal domestic violence when he got a bit nutty during an altercation with his wife.

Ashley Griffith told authorities that the two began arguing during the car ride home from an unspecified event on March 26th of that year, when a profanity-laced tirade, complete with homicidal threats, caused Griffith to “fear for her life.”

Growing even angrier, Kincannon began to drive erratically at high speed, running red lights and scaring Griffith so badly that she began shouting to other motorists for help and even tried to exit the vehicle while it was moving.…

CLEVELAND COUNTY, NC – A jury has found a North Carolina man guilty of first-degree murder in the beating death of 3-year-old Jordyn Dumont.

All Billy Joseph McCullen can do is cry.

He cried the first time his live-in girlfriend’s daughter Jordyn called him “daddy”. Jordyn’s mother, Jaylene Dumont, described their relationship as “loving”.

He cried when he called 911 to report that Jordyn, whom he was supposed to be watching, had mysteriously vanished while he was taking a nap on August 15th, 2016. He even begged her to “please come out” as if he believed that she might just be hiding somewhere.

The call was logged at 3:39 PM; dark fell at 9:45 PM that day outside Gastonia, NC. Gaston County officials and dozens of neighbors spent the six hours and six minutes in between searching for the missing 3-year old around her rural Gaston County home. Presumably, McCullen helped them. Crying.

They did not find anything.

At 10:10 AM the following day, they did. Jordyn’s battered body was located in a shallow grave in some woods near her home, covered with branches and leaves.…

RALEIGH, NC – Man accused of installing a hidden camera in a woman’s bedroom after her father told him he was not allowed to date her.

Brian Keith Fisher needs relationship help.

The 39-year-old doesn’t have the first clue about women, love, or how to get the latter from the former. The best he could come up with to win that Special Someone over is secret peeping.

He should also probably stop hitting on his friends’ daughters as well.

When the Fuquay-Varina, NC man “expressed romantic feelings” towards his un-named buddy’s 27-year-old daughter, Buddy cut him off short, citing the 12-year difference in their ages.

Buddy probably had additional concerns, like not wanting goofy-looking grandkids, but “you’re too old for Daddy’s Little Girl, you fucking pervert” is the excuse on record.

Rather than taking his friend at his word, Fisher apparently took advantage of a house-sitting gig to make the next move in his romantic pursuit.

He decided to place a hidden camera in his beloved’s bedroom, which was a brilliant move, as nothing will win a woman’s heart, or a reluctant father’s favor, faster than invasion of privacy.…

RALEIGH, NC – An elderly North Carolina man drove his car through the front of a Verizon store because his phone was not working and the store was closed.

Everybody hates their cellphone carrier. High rates for inferior products, shitty customer service, and reception that fails when you need it most.

Worst of all, those inconvenient phone store hours.

Combine the latter with the crankiest senior citizen since Vicki Lawrence’s ‘Mama’ and you’re bound to have a mess.

Just ask the staff at the Verizon store in the North Hills shopping center in Raleigh, NC. They found out the hard way that one ignores irate, irrational phone-deprived old men at one’s own peril.

On July 26th, 74-year-old Charles Michael Hager’s phone wasn’t working, and neither were the six staff members in the store, it being a bit after the store’s 8 PM closing time.

Most of us would just curse volubly and stalk away, but one look at the sheer unfettered determination on the face in the accompanying mugshot and you know this isn’t a guy that’s gonna take ‘no’ for an answer.…

LAS VEGAS, NV – Forget the WWE, forget MMA… if you want to see no-rules, no-hold-barred brutality, you don’t have to go further than the nearest Mickey D’s.

The customer isn’t always right. Sometimes you have to put them in their place. Sometimes you have to beat the shit out of them. At least that’s the operant management theory at this particular restaurant.

It all starts routinely enough: people are gorging themselves on McFoodProduct that is slowly killing them, disaffected employees are waiting for the school bell to ring, and a not-very-smart, too-cheap-for-her-own-good bit of fluff, Sabrinah Fontelar (pictured), is trying to pull the old “I just want a water cup so I can fill it with soda” routine.

The manager, Erika Chavolla, is wise to that old schtick, and shuts her down quick via the brilliant tactic of turning the soda machine right the hell off. That’s when the sparks start to fly, and that’s when our video starts.

Buffy Von Short-Shorts’ response is to go into a rage, hurling invectives, abuse, a McFry, and finally a McShake at the counter dwellers.…

DURHAM, NC – Man ordered to pay $8.8 million to the ex-husband of the woman he had an affair with.

This story is pretty unremarkable except for some really interesting legal anomalies because of where it takes place.

Other than that, it’s like half the divorces in the country: filled with the tawdry desperation, lies and deceit found when an unhappily married person tries to fill the gaping hole in their heart with Something New.

The 30,000 foot view: a woman in a bad-from-the-start marriage meets Something New and has an affair, breaking up the marriage in the process.

Her erstwhile husband files a civil suit against Something New and is awarded $8.8 million in damages using a law that only exists in North Carolina and five other states.

The detail is involved and convoluted, and reading it gave me a headache, but we’re going to bull through it and summarize a bit.

Danielle King married Keith King (who is 15 years older than Danielle) in 2010. Keith is a former professional BMX bike competitor that owns a “BMX bike stunt show company” and still rides in his own shows… and that’s a young man’s game.…

SPARTANBURG, SC – A woman in South Carolina has been convicted after she killed her baby with salt in an attempt to get her ex-husband back.

Kimberly Martines was an apathetic mother. In November 2015, a pediatrician expressed concern about her daughter, Peyton Martines, citing low weight gain and developmental delays.

The doctor referred her to a specialist. Martines apparently didn’t share the doctor’s concern, as she canceled the appointment.

In 2016, Martines graduated from being apathetic to being homicidal. On July 31st of that year, 17-month-old Peyton was taken to Spartanburg Regional Medical Center with a 103.2 degree fever; she was dehydrated and having a seizure.

Doctors determined that she was suffering from hypernatremia, or acute sodium poisoning. Peyton was placed on life support, to no avail; she was declared brain dead on August 2nd and died the following day.

Of course, Martines had an explanation; her sort always do. It was all a terrible accident. Peyton and her twin sister “got into a bag of salt” and Peyton munched herself to extinction, according to Mommy Dearest.…

COLUMBIA, SC – A man in South Carolina has pleaded guilty to charges he was using Facebook to trade meth for sex from troubled teens.

Busted People love Facebook.

You can do so many things with it: keep up with those annoying neighbors who finally moved away, say ‘Happy Birthday!’ to people you don’t give two shits about without leaving the couch, or make your friends jealous of that expensive vacation that just broke the bank.

And if you have some extra meth laying around that you want to trade for underage sex, you can use Facebook to make a love connection. Just ask 38-year-old Jeremy Bowen of Columbia, SC.

He just pled guilty in U.S. District Court to a raft of charges centered around just such a brilliant scheme.

All you need is a cellphone, Facebook Messenger, a conveniently-located “alternative school” (read: School of Last Resort) and meth. Lots of meth.

Getting lots of meth was probably pretty easy for Bowen, as he had unlocked the “Blown Up in a Mobile Home Meth Lab” achievement in 2014 in a Stooge-esque incident that ended with him and the Missus dropping Burned Up Buddy at the hospital and running wildly as far as Alabama before being caught.…

BERKELEY COUNTY, SC – Police stop man in possession of six types of drugs and meth hidden in his ass.

Some people just want to catch a buzz, and simply will not be stopped.

Laws, common sense, the physical constraints of anatomy – none of these matter to the true buzz-hound, and a bona-fide Party Master will have a varied supply of stupefacients on hand at all times.

Case in point: Dwayne Gernard Wigfall. He has a black belt in Throwin’ The Fuck Down and packs the goods to prove it.

Wigfall was cruising down College Park Road in Berkeley County, SC a bit after midnight on a hot Tuesday night in June.

He was huffin’ on a blunt in a “spray painted 2002 Volvo” when he ran afoul of local law enforcement and pulled over for an unspecified moving violation.

Since cops can actually smell marijuana smoke (little known fact, but they can), things quickly went downhill, starting with the fact that Wigfall was driving on a suspended license.

A subsequent search of the vehicle would make any dragon-chaser drool: amphetamine, dexamphetamine, oxycodone, Clonazepam, MDMA, weed, and two powders that the cops couldn’t even identify.…

SELMA, NC – A woman is facing animal cruelty charges after she drank a potentially lethal amount of alcohol before getting behind the wheel of her vehicle.

The not-so-nice lady with the “rode hard and put away wet” look is Gloria Denise Mitchell, and, believe it or not, she is only 45.

How do you get that rough-looking in just 45 years? Techniques vary from harridan to harridan; Gloria’s time-tested technique is alcohol, and lots of it.

She exceeded even her own usual excess on the evening of July 5th at an upper-crust lodging facility known as the Knights Inn (please keep your sexual innuendos to yourselves).

It was there she swilled enough booze to clock in at an impressive 0.347% BAC, just one one-hundredth of a percentage point away from .357, which is the exact diameter of the high-powered pistol bullet that she probably deserves.

After impressing her fellow sophisticates with her alcoholic acumen, she decided to show off her similarly sharp driving skills by driving her pickup truck across the Knights Inn’s parking lot in reverse like a Heimlich-launched wad of gristly, overcooked meat from the throat of a choking, whore-spawned degenerate.…


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