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CALDWELL, ID – A woman who knew her husband was molesting their children may be protected from prosecution because of Idaho’s “faith healing” exemptions.

What’s worse than knowing that your husband is molesting your children for 17 years and not doing anything about it?

Knowing that your husband is molesting your children for 17 years and not doing anything about it, because God.

Meet Sarah Kester, alleged mother in Caldwell, Idaho and anointed in the Lord to protect her ne’er-do-well husband Lester Kester and his wayward, perverted pickle.

Lester Kester. That’s right. Somebody had sadistic parents. And prescient, too: it rhymes with “molester.”

Well, actually he’s Lester Kester, Junior. It’s really wrong like that.

They say “yesterday’s bitch is tomorrow’s abuser.” Maybe that’s why Lester molested all four of his daughters, some of them starting at age one.

He’s not likely to get away with it, but his wife might.

You see, the Kester clan is part of a small, insular Pentecostal sect known as Followers of Christ. The Followers appear to be best known for their practice of faith healing and their concomitant shunning of modern medicine.…

BARTOW, FL – A 38-year-old man has been accused of exchanging pornographic pictures with an 11-year-old girl that he admitted to making out with.

Michael Lee Caraway is a fixin’ man.

He fixes houses, for one. The 38-year-old Hudson, Florida man is a construction worker that apparently does remodels and other work on existing construction. Much better for meeting little ladies than working new construction.

Because, you see, Caraway fixes little girls, too.

And, like any good contractor, Caraway was making good progress on the Scope of Work for his latest Little Princess project.

After a recent Caraway gig at a Polk County residence, the homeowners became suspicious because of unspecified changes in their 11-year-old daughter’s behavior. I’m guessing it was something to do with her all of a sudden locking herself in her room for eight hours every day with professional photography equipment.

Because a subsequent investigation by the Polk County Sheriff’s Office would uncover more than 450 porno pics of herself that the girl had sent to Caraway. The article does not provide a timeline, but even if it took her folks a month to get wise, 450 naughtygrams is an astonishing output.…

RURAL RETREAT, VA – A woman has been accused of cutting off her boyfriend’s head allegedly demanded arresting police officers “to take me back and let me get my heads.”

Sometimes a trinket is all we have by which to remember a departed loved one. The need for that trinket, that last link, can exceed rationality.

Roena Mills, 41, knows. She’s no April Fool.

She is batshit crazy, though.

When Mercer County deputies were called to a house in Lerona, West Virginia, by annoyed residents this past April 1st, they found her deranged ass bouncing around, bloody and single-gloved, with “a pocket knife in her pants”.

Mills had been trying to convince the homeowners to loan her a chainsaw and some gasoline. They declined and offered to give her a ride somewhere. She declined their counteroffer. And refused to leave.

Deputies later reported that her eyes were glazed and that she kept talking to an unseen person whom she called “Daddy.”

She gave a false name and blamed all the blood on having been thrown through a glass door.…

BELLEVUE, WA – A former student and employee at Bellevue College has filed a lawsuit that claims a former assistant dean at the school raped her, assaulted her and stalked her for nearly six years.

Robert Hare, in a 2007 article entitled ‘Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work,’ claimed that psychopaths are three to four times as prevalent in senior management positions in the business world as in the population at large.

I’ve always thought that a similar study of the world of academia would make for interesting reading.

If the allegations in a quite explosive lawsuit prove true, 54-year-old Faisal Jaswal could well be the star of that study, as the behaviors and actions attributed to him are a shockingly pure expression of sexual sociopathy.

The lawsuit was filed a couple of weeks ago. It accuses Bellevue College in Bellevue, Washington, as well as the state of Washington, of fostering a hostile work environment by failing to protect an employee, identified only as S.R., from Jaswal.

The specific accusations seem almost fictionally malevolent.…

FOREST CITY, NC — No charges will be filed against the 15-year-old girl who shot and killed her mother’s abusive boyfriend.

Who wants to end the week on a happy note?

I do! I do!

Steven Kelley is such an asshole, he had to leave Indiana.

He had active domestic violence protection orders on his sorry ass from two different women in two different states, and I guess they made things pretty hot for him. So he loaded up the truck and he moved to Forest City. N.C., that is.

Of course, you can’t be a wife-beater without a wife, so Kelley brought along his new punching bag, girlfriend Chandra Nierman, 44, and her kids: a 12-year-old son and 15- and 16-year-old daughters. He should have left the kids in Indiana.

Changes in latitude, changes in attitude? Yeah, right. Different state, same old shit. He was up to his old tricks in no time.

Constant threats became action on August 4th, when Kelley started beating on Nierman and fired off a couple of rounds inside the house to make his point.…

CHESTERFIELD COUNTY, VA – A Virginia man will serve no active jail time after pleading guilty to sexually assaulting a 14-year-old girl.

One of the biggest debates in the world of social sciences at the turn of the 20th century was the age-old question of “nature vs. nurture,” or whether or not human behavior is determined by heredity (“nature”) or environment (“nurture”).

Without rehashing tens of thousands of pages of academic argument, some of it quite impassioned and even acrimonious, we will jump right to what appears to be the modern consensus: both usually play an important role.

Common sense, really, but then most of the things that academics argue about usually are.

To the readers who just cannot restrain themselves from delving deeper into this debate, I recommend watching the Three Stooges episode Hoi Polloi. Much more entertaining than the learned articles on the subject, and just as correct.

The salient point is that, as individuals, we often learn from our experiences, consciously or otherwise. Sometimes this weakens existing behaviors, sometimes it reinforces them.…

BEAUFORT, SC – A high school teacher allegedly had sex with two students over spring break after using Google to search if it was legal to do so.

Brittany Whetzel is too impatient for her own good. And a bit slutty to boot.

The 28-year-old Battery Creek High School English teacher recently fell down the increasingly common rabbit-hole of wrongful relations between teacher and student.

Well, in her case, it’s ‘students’ with a terminal ‘s’, as in “so your friend is pretty cute, too.”

Whetzel, who had been working for the school district in Beaufort, South Carolina since 2016, had apparently had the hots for one of the students for a while now, telling some co-workers how handsome he was and sharing her hopes to one day have “beautiful babies” with him.

A bit optimistic on her part, and for more than one reason.

She knew that this nefarious need could get her in trouble; she told friends that she couldn’t wait until June 3rd, when the student would graduate, so that “she could do whatever she wanted,” including putting the aforementioned buns in her oven with the help of his baby batter.…

STATESVILLE, NC – Police have arrested a man after he hired a 14-year-old girl to do yard work then offered her money to see her naked.

Salesmen call it the foot-in-the-door technique. You get someone to make a small concession, and that makes it easier for you to get them to agree to a bigger concession later.

Douglas Jackson, 61, of Statesville, NC, must have been watching Glengarry Glen Ross recently.

When an enterprising 14-year-old girl agreed to do yard work for pay, he had that perverted foot in the doorway.

After letting her work up a good sweat, he pushed a hard sell: more pay for more services.

Specifically, Santa Claus here wanted her to shuck off them sweaty skivvies, ’cause she so sexy.

The unnamed young lady slammed the door right on that ol’ cloven hoof.

The incident was reported to local authorities on August 3rd, and Jackson was arrested for the indecent proposal. He was held under a $50,000 bond on a single felony charge of indecent liberties with a child.…

NEW ORLEANS, LA – A man has been jailed after he chased down a man who stole his wallet and then beat him to death.

It started out as a hot, sunny morning in New Orleans this past Friday, but it would soon turn stormy in a bit of subtle foreshadowing.

Edwin, whose last name was not released, and may not even be known, was out spare-changing.

As any pro will tell you, the ability to size people up quickly is an important part of effective begging. Some people are a soft touch, and you want to focus your efforts on them. Some people would just assume see you starve, and they’re not worth your time.

If you intend to mix a little larceny in with your bumming, reading people properly becomes even more important: a matter of life and death vs. mere efficiency.

Edwin was a little off Friday morning.

He approached a man wearing a Pantera shirt and asked for a dollar, then snatched the wallet out of the man’s back pocket and ran.…

CAYCE, SC – A man in South Carolina called police to his home to help him find his missing bag of meth.

I always thought Officer Friendly was a myth- some fairy tale they told you in elementary school, like Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny, or the Honest Politician.

Turns out Officer Friendly is real. A meth-head in Cayce, SC met him.

When the unnamed 24 year-old, who is a strong contender for Dumbest Criminal of 2018, went to indulge in his favorite narcotic this past Sunday, he was mortified to find that his meth was missing.

He could have taken this development as a warning from the Good Lord Above not to speed on Sunday, but he didn’t.

He could have run amok and gotten all stabby with the other denizens of his lair (the most popular response to missing meth), but he didn’t.

He could have even gone out and bought more meth. Nope.

You’d never guess what he did in a million years if the headline didn’t give it away.…

DELRAY BEACH, FL – The shooting of a 10-year-old boy has been linked to a decades long feud between three Florida families, say police.

Everyone has heard of the Hatfields and the McCoys.

The two families, who lived by the Big Sandy River along the modern-day border of Kentucky and West Virginia, engaged in a bloody 19th-century feud that lasted almost thirty years.

This feud is a well-known part of American folklore, and has become synonymous with internecine, interfamily hillbilly warfare. It ended with dozens killed and wounded on both sides of the affair.

It’s the kind of thing that you read about and think “Stupid hillbillies! I’m so glad we’ve evolved beyond that as a culture.”

Not in Florida, baby!

Florida has its own modern-day Hatfield-McCoy Feud, and while it takes place in an urban setting, the Northwest and Southwest neighborhoods in Delray Beach, it is just as bloody and just as stupid as the original.

Partisans siding with three longstanding Delray Beach families have been fighting since a 2009 nightclub dust-up, the cause of which no one even remembers any more, except for the vague recollection that there was a diss involved.…

HOUSTON, TX – A man masturbating while riding a bicycle was shot by a woman after he tried entering her home.

This must be the week of The Masturbators.

First we have a homeless guy in SC whipping his weasel at a 13-year-old-girl whose denser-than-lead mother left her home alone with him while she went to the store.

Now word comes out of Texas about a crazed masturbating bicyclist running amok in a Houston neighborhood.

That takes some serious coordination. This guy is a pro.

About 5:15 PM on Tuesday, around the time normal, productive members of society are coming home from a long day’s work, this assclown was freewheeling around the Golfcrest neighborhood, popping wheelies and copping feelies. On himself.

He was really enjoying himself, too, and who wouldn’t be! The refreshing rush of the breeze on his inflamed johnson, the delirium of the love tugs blurring his vision to a delightful kalidoscopic dazzle, the lyrics to his own special pervert’s version of Freebird soaring through his head.

Feelin’ GOOD, man.…


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