Old Man Metal • at The Dreamin Demon

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Durham Residents Help Catch Notorious Aggressive DriverBilly Joseph McCullen Found Guilty In Beating Death Of 3-year-old Jordyn DumonMan Cut Off Employee's Penis And Threw It To Dogs To EatPolice Fatally Shot Armed Homeowner Who Had Fatally Shot Naked IntruderWisconsin Roofer Accused Of Killing Co-Worker With Circular SawTeacher Allegedly Had Sex With Two Students After Googling If She CouldWoman Allegedly Stabbed Fiancé To Death During Argument Over Wedding GuestMan Shot Another Man In The Ass After Political Disagreement On FacebookDrunk Mom Arrested After Locking Herself And Son Inside Hot VehicleMan Hired Teen For Yard Work, Offered Money To See Her Naked

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BEAUFORT, SC – A high school teacher allegedly had sex with two students over spring break after using Google to search if it was legal to do so.

Brittany Whetzel is too impatient for her own good. And a bit slutty to boot.

The 28-year-old Battery Creek High School English teacher recently fell down the increasingly common rabbit-hole of wrongful relations between teacher and student.

Well, in her case, it’s ‘students’ with a terminal ‘s’, as in “so your friend is pretty cute, too.”

Whetzel, who had been working for the school district in Beaufort, South Carolina since 2016, had apparently had the hots for one of the students for a while now, telling some co-workers how handsome he was and sharing her hopes to one day have “beautiful babies” with him.

A bit optimistic on her part, and for more than one reason.

She knew that this nefarious need could get her in trouble; she told friends that she couldn’t wait until June 3rd, when the student would graduate, so that “she could do whatever she wanted,” including putting the aforementioned buns in her oven with the help of his baby batter.…

STATESVILLE, NC – Police have arrested a man after he hired a 14-year-old girl to do yard work then offered her money to see her naked.

Salesmen call it the foot-in-the-door technique. You get someone to make a small concession, and that makes it easier for you to get them to agree to a bigger concession later.

Douglas Jackson, 61, of Statesville, NC, must have been watching Glengarry Glen Ross recently.

When an enterprising 14-year-old girl agreed to do yard work for pay, he had that perverted foot in the doorway.

After letting her work up a good sweat, he pushed a hard sell: more pay for more services.

Specifically, Santa Claus here wanted her to shuck off them sweaty skivvies, ’cause she so sexy.

The unnamed young lady slammed the door right on that ol’ cloven hoof.

The incident was reported to local authorities on August 3rd, and Jackson was arrested for the indecent proposal. He was held under a $50,000 bond on a single felony charge of indecent liberties with a child.…

NEW ORLEANS, LA – A man has been jailed after he chased down a man who stole his wallet and then beat him to death.

It started out as a hot, sunny morning in New Orleans this past Friday, but it would soon turn stormy in a bit of subtle foreshadowing.

Edwin, whose last name was not released, and may not even be known, was out spare-changing.

As any pro will tell you, the ability to size people up quickly is an important part of effective begging. Some people are a soft touch, and you want to focus your efforts on them. Some people would just assume see you starve, and they’re not worth your time.

If you intend to mix a little larceny in with your bumming, reading people properly becomes even more important: a matter of life and death vs. mere efficiency.

Edwin was a little off Friday morning.

He approached a man wearing a Pantera shirt and asked for a dollar, then snatched the wallet out of the man’s back pocket and ran.…

CAYCE, SC – A man in South Carolina called police to his home to help him find his missing bag of meth.

I always thought Officer Friendly was a myth- some fairy tale they told you in elementary school, like Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny, or the Honest Politician.

Turns out Officer Friendly is real. A meth-head in Cayce, SC met him.

When the unnamed 24 year-old, who is a strong contender for Dumbest Criminal of 2018, went to indulge in his favorite narcotic this past Sunday, he was mortified to find that his meth was missing.

He could have taken this development as a warning from the Good Lord Above not to speed on Sunday, but he didn’t.

He could have run amok and gotten all stabby with the other denizens of his lair (the most popular response to missing meth), but he didn’t.

He could have even gone out and bought more meth. Nope.

You’d never guess what he did in a million years if the headline didn’t give it away.…

DELRAY BEACH, FL – The shooting of a 10-year-old boy has been linked to a decades long feud between three Florida families, say police.

Everyone has heard of the Hatfields and the McCoys.

The two families, who lived by the Big Sandy River along the modern-day border of Kentucky and West Virginia, engaged in a bloody 19th-century feud that lasted almost thirty years.

This feud is a well-known part of American folklore, and has become synonymous with internecine, interfamily hillbilly warfare. It ended with dozens killed and wounded on both sides of the affair.

It’s the kind of thing that you read about and think “Stupid hillbillies! I’m so glad we’ve evolved beyond that as a culture.”

Not in Florida, baby!

Florida has its own modern-day Hatfield-McCoy Feud, and while it takes place in an urban setting, the Northwest and Southwest neighborhoods in Delray Beach, it is just as bloody and just as stupid as the original.

Partisans siding with three longstanding Delray Beach families have been fighting since a 2009 nightclub dust-up, the cause of which no one even remembers any more, except for the vague recollection that there was a diss involved.…

HOUSTON, TX – A man masturbating while riding a bicycle was shot by a woman after he tried entering her home.

This must be the week of The Masturbators.

First we have a homeless guy in SC whipping his weasel at a 13-year-old-girl whose denser-than-lead mother left her home alone with him while she went to the store.

Now word comes out of Texas about a crazed masturbating bicyclist running amok in a Houston neighborhood.

That takes some serious coordination. This guy is a pro.

About 5:15 PM on Tuesday, around the time normal, productive members of society are coming home from a long day’s work, this assclown was freewheeling around the Golfcrest neighborhood, popping wheelies and copping feelies. On himself.

He was really enjoying himself, too, and who wouldn’t be! The refreshing rush of the breeze on his inflamed johnson, the delirium of the love tugs blurring his vision to a delightful kalidoscopic dazzle, the lyrics to his own special pervert’s version of Freebird soaring through his head.

Feelin’ GOOD, man.…

DURHAM, NC – An aggressive driver, whose antics behind the wheel caused locals to use social media to get him off the road, has had his sentencing delayed after a judge questioned his plea deal that would have him serve no jail time.

Close your eyes. Now imagine the most aggressive driver you’ve ever encountered. Imagine someone even more aggressive than that. No, even worse.

Imagine a Road Douche so bad that other social-media-savvy local drivers teamed up with police to hunt his ass down and kill him.

Okay, that last part is just wishful thinking on my part. You can open your eyes now.

The asshole you are looking at is Maurice Beckwith, 52, of Durham, NC, and he is the King of the Road Douches.

I don’t know what his problem is, maybe a bad case of “Boy Named Sue” syndrome, or a pair of undescended testicles, or a chronic case of Vaginal Silicosis.

Whatever it is, he’s had it for a long time; he has “driving while license revoked” convictions as far back as January of 2003, so he’s definitely an OG Road Douche.…

YORK, SC – A homeless man has been charged after a woman left him alone with her 13-year-old daughter and he propositioned the teen while performing sex acts on himself.

Leonard Dale Dover is a shitty guest.

An unnamed York County, South Carolina mother saw the homeless man get caught in a downpour and took pity on him. She invited him into her home so that he could get out of the rain.

Then, for some completely inexplicable reason that I just cannot fathom, she went to the store and left her 13-year-old daughter alone with Dover.

Left her 13-year-old daughter alone with a man that she didn’t know from Adam.

Daughter. Alone. Strange man. Let that sink in.

I give this lady all the credit in the world for being compassionate. Helping a fellow human that is in distress is a laudable thing to do. Seriously.

But. And this is a big ‘but’. Third-row-of-the-church-choir-sized ‘but’.

According to the National Alliance on Metal Illness, of homeless adults staying in shelters, an estimated 46% “live with severe mental illness and/or substance use disorders.”

That’s one in two.…

LEXINGTON COUNTY, SC – Police say the former leader of the South Carolina Republican Party killed his mother’s dog because he is Jesus Christ and God commanded him to.

Meet Todd Kincannon. He’s bat-shit crazy.

He used to be a mover and a shaker. At one point, the 37-year-old South Carolina man was the executive director of the SC Republican Party. Now he’s the reborn son of a vengeful, dog-smiting god.

His downhill slide has been ongoing for a few years. In April of 2015, he was arrested for criminal domestic violence when he got a bit nutty during an altercation with his wife.

Ashley Griffith told authorities that the two began arguing during the car ride home from an unspecified event on March 26th of that year, when a profanity-laced tirade, complete with homicidal threats, caused Griffith to “fear for her life.”

Growing even angrier, Kincannon began to drive erratically at high speed, running red lights and scaring Griffith so badly that she began shouting to other motorists for help and even tried to exit the vehicle while it was moving.…

CLEVELAND COUNTY, NC – A jury has found a North Carolina man guilty of first-degree murder in the beating death of 3-year-old Jordyn Dumont.

All Billy Joseph McCullen can do is cry.

He cried the first time his live-in girlfriend’s daughter Jordyn called him “daddy”. Jordyn’s mother, Jaylene Dumont, described their relationship as “loving”.

He cried when he called 911 to report that Jordyn, whom he was supposed to be watching, had mysteriously vanished while he was taking a nap on August 15th, 2016. He even begged her to “please come out” as if he believed that she might just be hiding somewhere.

The call was logged at 3:39 PM; dark fell at 9:45 PM that day outside Gastonia, NC. Gaston County officials and dozens of neighbors spent the six hours and six minutes in between searching for the missing 3-year old around her rural Gaston County home. Presumably, McCullen helped them. Crying.

They did not find anything.

At 10:10 AM the following day, they did. Jordyn’s battered body was located in a shallow grave in some woods near her home, covered with branches and leaves.…

RALEIGH, NC – Man accused of installing a hidden camera in a woman’s bedroom after her father told him he was not allowed to date her.

Brian Keith Fisher needs relationship help.

The 39-year-old doesn’t have the first clue about women, love, or how to get the latter from the former. The best he could come up with to win that Special Someone over is secret peeping.

He should also probably stop hitting on his friends’ daughters as well.

When the Fuquay-Varina, NC man “expressed romantic feelings” towards his un-named buddy’s 27-year-old daughter, Buddy cut him off short, citing the 12-year difference in their ages.

Buddy probably had additional concerns, like not wanting goofy-looking grandkids, but “you’re too old for Daddy’s Little Girl, you fucking pervert” is the excuse on record.

Rather than taking his friend at his word, Fisher apparently took advantage of a house-sitting gig to make the next move in his romantic pursuit.

He decided to place a hidden camera in his beloved’s bedroom, which was a brilliant move, as nothing will win a woman’s heart, or a reluctant father’s favor, faster than invasion of privacy.…

RALEIGH, NC – An elderly North Carolina man drove his car through the front of a Verizon store because his phone was not working and the store was closed.

Everybody hates their cellphone carrier. High rates for inferior products, shitty customer service, and reception that fails when you need it most.

Worst of all, those inconvenient phone store hours.

Combine the latter with the crankiest senior citizen since Vicki Lawrence’s ‘Mama’ and you’re bound to have a mess.

Just ask the staff at the Verizon store in the North Hills shopping center in Raleigh, NC. They found out the hard way that one ignores irate, irrational phone-deprived old men at one’s own peril.

On July 26th, 74-year-old Charles Michael Hager’s phone wasn’t working, and neither were the six staff members in the store, it being a bit after the store’s 8 PM closing time.

Most of us would just curse volubly and stalk away, but one look at the sheer unfettered determination on the face in the accompanying mugshot and you know this isn’t a guy that’s gonna take ‘no’ for an answer.…


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