MISSOULA, MT — Man accused of leaving a 5-month-old baby in the woods after a car crash because the baby was “very heavy.”

Francis Carlton Crowley is unconscionably lazy. And just a teensy bit high.

On Saturday, September 8th, deputies were dispatched to Lolo Hot Springs, Montana after receiving a disturbance complaint involving a man making threats and claiming to have a gun.

When they finally located Crowley, he was disoriented and nonsensical, but they were able to determine two things (besides the obvious fact that he was as fucked-up as a football bat); one: he had been in a car crash at some point earlier in the day, and two: a five-month-old baby that had been “left in his care” was missing.

The latter of the two was obviously more important to deputies, but Crowley was of little assistance; he wasn’t sure what had become of the infant. Maybe he was lying on the side of the road, maybe he was buried in the woods. All Crowley was certain of was the reason he abandoned the infant: the child was “very heavy.”

A search team consisting of local, state and federal authorities scoured the area. They would eventually find Crowley’s wrecked car on a game trail, which shows just how fucked up he was when he was driving; he would later admit to using both meth and bath salts, which is the pharmacological equivalent of shoving a lit bottle-rocket up your own ass and then locking yourself in a running dryer set to “extended tumble.”

The search continued into the night until, at 2:30 AM, Missoula County Deputy Ross Jessop heard faint cries while searching a game trail upslope of the crash. He found the baby buried face down under a pile of sticks.

While being transported to the hospital, where he would be “treated for dehydration, lack of food and scratches, cuts and bruises,” the infant reportedly coughed up several small sticks.

Crowley, who is a fugitive from Oregon, was charged with assault on a minor and criminal endangerment and held with bail set at $50,000.

The infant has been placed in the custody of the Department of Public Health and Human Services.

And Oregon does not want their fugitive back.

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