FORT PIERCE, FL – Police in Florida arrested a man for giving his girlfriend a “wet willy” during an argument.

Ah, Florida Man. You are crude, violent and shameless, bereft of common sense and common decency, and inevitably oh-so-entertaining.

And you are prone to stick your willy where it doesn’t belong.

Sometimes it’s an underaged orifice, sometimes it’s just an unreceptive one. Sometimes it’s a knothole in a fence or even a dead animal.

Sometimes it’s not even really a willy.

St. Lucie County, Florida denizen Joseph Jean Sireci, 47, took domestic abuse into the realm of the ludicrous in a quintessential Homo floridius manner.

On August 15th, Sireci’s better half came home from a long day at work to find him laying on the living room floor, unshaven and stinking of booze, drunk as a blind weasel and just as testy.

Sources don’t specify, but I imagine she had something to say to his worthless ass. He definitely had something to say back.

She would later tell authorities that Sireci was “arguing with her and being rude,” so she decided to take the kids and go to a friend’s house.

In a brilliant move that could only be made by Florida Woman, she took him along. Hey, “better half” doesn’t mean “great”, it just means “better”.

Unsurprisingly, Sireci continued to be an asshole at their destination. Somehow, he kept drinking as well. You can always count on Florida Woman to stand idly by as Florida Man throws gasoline on the fire.

It was on the ride home that the unsolicited willy work occurred. After grabbing at her, pulling on her, and otherwise making a nuisance of himself, he “licked his finger and stuck it into her ear,” a move known by everyone who has ever been a fifth grader as the infamous “wet willy.”

When they got home, he followed up the ear-fingering with a bit of knickknack-flinging, which resulted in a telephone call to the St. Lucie County Sheriff’s Office, who promptly charged him with second-degree battery (second or subsequent offense) and removed him to the county hoosegow, from which he was just as promptly released on $2500 bond, probably posted by Florida Woman.

Ah, the Circle of Life in sunny Florida.

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