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REEDSBURG, WI – Police have arrested a couple after their 15-year-old son starved to death during the family’s religious-based fast.

God tells people to do wacky shit every day; he has been the cray-cray-whisperer for millennia. And people listen; boy, do they ever.

The Big Man has been on a roll ever since he whispered in Abraham’s ear:

“Then God said, ‘Take your son, your only son, whom you love— Isaac— and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.'” (Genesis 22:2)

…and Abraham grabbed Isaac and some camping gear and got to steppin’.

Of course, anyone who has spent any time in Sunday School knows how that old story plays out: right before the knife comes down on lil’ Isaac, God busts that psych-move, gets a good belly-laugh, and spares Isaac, much to the chagrin of a nearby ram, who got the honor of dying for God instead.

You’d think at some point, people would stop listening to the ol’ Cosmic Jokester, since his commands always seem to end with someone dying a horrible death, but no.

Just ask Kehinde Omosebi’s 15-year-old son. Oh, wait, you can’t: he’s dead. And Dad says it’s all God’s fault.

Omosebi, the 49-year-old self-proclaimed minister of a non-existent church, walked into the Reedsburg, Wisconsin police department Sunday to report the death of his elder son (what is it with the first-born always being the ones to die for God?) as a result of an innocent little religious fast.

What’s the problem with that? People starve themselves for the Lord all the time. Hell, fasts are a part of many of our Major Religions (TM). They must be okay.

Well, this one ran a little long. It started on July 17th.

It seems that Omosebi and his hungry little flock were waiting for the divine signal to start eating again, but for whatever divinely inscrutable reason, that “blessing from God” didn’t make it in time. Omosebi told police that they got the signal on Friday August 31st, which is the day that his son died, showing that the Big Man’s stock of Divine Irony has not diminished significantly over the ages.

It also shows that the family spent Labor Day weekend shacked up with a corpse. And I thought my holiday weekend was lame.

All of this information was quite concerning to local authorities, who decided to pay the remnants of Omosebi’s family a visit, pronto. The fact that all of the doors were padlocked from the inside slowed them down a bit, but cops are usually pretty good at busting in doors, so I’m guessing that got handled pretty quick.

Inside the house they would find… nothing. No food, no dishes, no cookware, no “personal hygiene items.” No furniture either, but at least this house wasn’t filled with animal shit.

Omosebi wasn’t taking any chances on getting crossways with the Lord over backsliding family members. “No food” plus “no cookware” = “no eat.” And padlocks = “no leave.” Solid logic.

And it worked like a charm, as solid logic usually does. In addition to the dead 15-year-old, authorities found an 11-year-old boy who was “too weak to talk or walk” and Omosebi’s emaciated wife, Titilayo Omosebi, who would refuse medical treatment, “citing religious reasons.”

Too weak to talk. Think about that.

The boy was taken to a hospital, where he remains in protective custody.

The parents were taken to jail, where they are reported to be eating. They are charged with ‘neglecting a child causing death’ and ‘neglecting a child causing great bodily harm.’

God remains free on His own recognizance.

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