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HOUSTON, TX – A man masturbating while riding a bicycle was shot by a woman after he tried entering her home.

This must be the week of The Masturbators.

First we have a homeless guy in SC whipping his weasel at a 13-year-old-girl whose denser-than-lead mother left her home alone with him while she went to the store.

Now word comes out of Texas about a crazed masturbating bicyclist running amok in a Houston neighborhood.

That takes some serious coordination. This guy is a pro.

About 5:15 PM on Tuesday, around the time normal, productive members of society are coming home from a long day’s work, this assclown was freewheeling around the Golfcrest neighborhood, popping wheelies and copping feelies. On himself.

He was really enjoying himself, too, and who wouldn’t be! The refreshing rush of the breeze on his inflamed johnson, the delirium of the love tugs blurring his vision to a delightful kalidoscopic dazzle, the lyrics to his own special pervert’s version of Freebird soaring through his head.

Feelin’ GOOD, man.

And when you feel good, why, you want to share! Bicycle boy wanted a beat-off buddy.

He offered to share his love-delirium with a neighborhood resident who was taking out her trash. She declined.

He insisted, and tried to enter her house. She told him to get the hell out of Dodge, or she was going to get a gun and settle his hash.

Blissed out on bicycle love, he didn’t listen, so she REALLY took out the trash.

Retreating to her house, the resident retrieved a firearm and blasted the masturbator when he tried to open the door.

Finding himself with an extra hole in his chest, the man climbed back on the bike and rode a little ways down the street before collapsing.

Neighbors were supportive of the woman’s actions. “I would have done the same thing. Protect your family. She did what she had to do,” said one.

That support may have something to do with the fact that the Bike Perv had been arrested just a week ago for running around the same neighborhood naked. Folks get tired of that stuff really fast. I’m guessing the shooter had more than one “thank you” pie delivered to her house that night.

The bicyclist’s condition is unclear at this time.

Moral: public masturbation may be hazardous to your health, even though there’s no Surgeon General’s warning about it. Remember, you heard it at the Demon, not from some government flunky.

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