SELMA, NC – A woman is facing animal cruelty charges after she drank a potentially lethal amount of alcohol before getting behind the wheel of her vehicle.

The not-so-nice lady with the “rode hard and put away wet” look is Gloria Denise Mitchell, and, believe it or not, she is only 45.

How do you get that rough-looking in just 45 years? Techniques vary from harridan to harridan; Gloria’s time-tested technique is alcohol, and lots of it.

She exceeded even her own usual excess on the evening of July 5th at an upper-crust lodging facility known as the Knights Inn (please keep your sexual innuendos to yourselves).

It was there she swilled enough booze to clock in at an impressive 0.347% BAC, just one one-hundredth of a percentage point away from .357, which is the exact diameter of the high-powered pistol bullet that she probably deserves.

After impressing her fellow sophisticates with her alcoholic acumen, she decided to show off her similarly sharp driving skills by driving her pickup truck across the Knights Inn’s parking lot in reverse like a Heimlich-launched wad of gristly, overcooked meat from the throat of a choking, whore-spawned degenerate.

Her fantastic voyage was a brief one, being interrupted by the inevitable inertia in the form of a U-Haul truck and a second truck that was generous enough to serve as a backstop for the U-Haul.

Most of us would probably be content with our performance at this point, especially considering the resultant gaping gash in her leg, but Gloria’s spirits are not easily dampened.

She was reportedly “belligerent and hostile” the entire way to the hospital, where medics would discover the secret ingredients in her Crone Cocktail: a bunch of weed and a dollop of methadone.

Doesn’t sound too bad? Not up to the usual DD standard of depraved indifference? Tell that to the puppy that was tied to the bumper of her truck. Police would find what was left of him in front of the motel lobby, part of the fatal leash still attached.

Gloria is now facing charges of DWI, felony animal cruelty, careless and reckless driving, and communicating threats.

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