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Miami Beach, FL — This perturbed looking individual is 46-year-old Jonathan Crenshaw; a homeless, armless street artist.

He’s been accused of stabbing a tourist with a pair of scissors.

The alleged stabbing apparently occurred after the victim, 22-year-old Cesar Coronado, asked Crenshaw for directions.

“I’m not from here, and this is not what I came for. I came for a vacation,” Coronado told NBC 6 Wednesday. “I just said, ‘do you know where this is?’ but as soon as I talked, the only thing he reacted was — he just cut me.”

Crenshaw, however, claimed it was done in self-defense. He told police he was just lying down when Coronado approached him and punched him in the head.

Soooo he grabbed a pair of scissors out of a suitcase with his foot and stabbed Coronado in the arm, twice, before tucking the scissors into his waistband and walking away.

Coronado denies punching Crenshaw. “Why would I go and attack someone else? No, no, I wouldn’t do that,” he said. “It’s like, how the hell did I get stabbed? Like, is it the right guy at that point? Because I can’t believe with his legs someone could do that.”

I have to agree with that last sentence. For about 30 minutes after I read the article, I tried to function without arms. And, well, my kitchen is covered in hot coffee and I somehow pulled a butt muscle.

Crenshaw has been charged with aggravated battery and is being held on a $7,500 bond.

For those who care to peek into Crenshaw’s interesting history, this link here will take you to a piece from the Miami Times, where they interviewed him about his past, his present, and his art.

TL;DR — His mother fed him rat poison for insurance purposes, apparently. He’s been stabbed to death… twice. He fathered his first child at the age of 8. And speaking of children, Crenshaw claims Gloria Estefan has squished out 200 of his babies.

I would totally buy the dude a beer.

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