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Chamangeni ZuluZambia — I normally wouldn’t post anything from Zambia because, face it, they do some weird ass shit over there — kinda like Florida, but without all the face eating. Anyways, because it’s a slow news day and it’s been a slow couple of weeks, I figured I’d give it a go. And, well, because GENITALS.

A man in Chipata is missing three toes and all of his cock-n-balls after apparently allowing a hyena to snack on him. Why would he allow such a thing, you ask? Because a witch doctor told him that sacrificing body parts was the best(?) way to get rich.

“I came from Malawi and when I arrived in Chipata I met some business persons who told me that the best way to become rich was to sacrifice parts of my body,” said Chamangeni Zulu. “I went to a bush where I was instructed to be naked and a hyena came to me and started eating my toes and eventually my manhood was eaten.”

After making his deposit, Zulu crawled to a road where he was picked up by passing police officers.

How the hell do you prevent a hyena from eating all your parts? I mean, to just lose your genitals and toes, specifically…. how does this man have a face left, even? Was the hyena in on it? And what, exactly, is rich over there, anyway? Fifty, maybe sixty bucks? And why the look of bliss on his face? Wait…. is that bliss or shock? I always confuse the two.

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