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Michael LueckeStamford, CT — A substitute teacher at Westhill High School accused of tuggin’ his slug while eyeballing students on campus earlier this week, claims was really just adjusting his pants.

A staff member at the school told police she was walking in an area of lockers just after 7:30 Wednesday morning, when she spotted Michael Luecke lying on the ground. Believing the man had been hurt, the woman approached… only to find him with his hand in his pants and his eyeballs all rolled back in his head. And, she told police, he was “manipulating his penis.” *insert GASP here*

The woman reportedly told Luecke that his behavior was inappropriate, to which Luecke reportedly said something along the lines of, “I need to find somewhere else to do this.”

When the staff member informed Luecke that he shouldn’t be anywhere near children, Luecke relayed that such a thing had never happened to him before. The woman then reported the alleged incident to school officials and Luecke was immediately removed from the classroom he was overseeing and sent to the principal’s office.

Fortunately for all, there was video rolling in the area in which Luecke was reportedly pumping his stump. Police say the surveillance video showed Luecke in the corner of a stairwell “suspiciously manipulating the front of his pants” while looking at students in the courtyard. Approximately three minutes later, he was seen going behind a bank of student lockers for about a minute, then emerging and getting all comfy on the floor. He appeared to be in an aroused state, police said, when the female staff member approached him just moments later.

When interviewed by police, Luecke went into denial mode because wardrobe malfunction. He doesn’t wear a belt, he said, and the clip on his pants doesn’t work properly so he had to get on the floor to close the clip. And if I had a dime for every time I’ve had to do the same damn thing….

Luecke has been with the district since 2009, and passed the background check with flying colors. He has no priors.

Charged with public indecency, breach of peace and risk of injury to a minor, Luecke’s being held on $10,000 bond. He has been required to undergo a mental evaluation, and if he makes bond, he will be given a pretty new ankle bracelet.

Police said they are working to identify a handful of students who apparently passed Luecke while he was rubbing one off, to assess a need for counseling.

Oooh, and speaking of self-induced penile regurgitation…. happy fucking birthday, Morbid. Ass.

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