Robert Parker JrFarmington, ME — Meet 43 year old Robert Parker Jr., the man with a face I dearly want to punch with some especially nasty brass knuckles. If his face alone doesn’t inspire the same in you, allow me to add some details that will surely push you there, if not further.

On September 25, 2013, Mr. Please-Throat-Punch-Me-Repeatedly, was arrested two days after Deputy Kevin Hartley of the Franklin County Sheriff’s Department, was sent to investigate a complaint regarding his handing out cigarettes to two girls under the age of 15. (Can you say, “grooming”? I bet you can!) One source indicates that he forced each of the girls to smoke around 50 cigarettes, which just seems like a waste of cigarettes to me.

After being arraigned, he was released on a pretrial contract that same day. I bet he was really relieved, but not for long.

The following day, Deputy Hartley received a new complaint. The ever charming Mr. Parker was apparently sending some rather impolite messages to the family of one of the girls involved in the cigarette charges, threatening to kill her if she told anyone about his disgusting, pervy ways. The deputy called back the number that the texts came from and lo and behold, it went straight to our hero’s voicemail. Because Mr. Parker is as smart as he is attractive.

He was arrested once again, this time charged with tampering with a witness, harassment by telephone, and they weren’t too happy with him violating the conditions of his previous release.

The girl to whom these messages refer was taken to speak with Deputy Hartly on September 30, and things were about to look a whole lot worse for Sir Stickmeonananthillinhoneytodie.

The 9 year old girl told police that Captain Fugtastic had sexually assaulted her on at least two separate occasions in July 2013, and September 2013. I think we should all thank him for those threats, because they probably exponentially increased his chances of being convicted, and completely destroyed any chance he might have had that it wouldn’t be discovered.

Thank every god that potentially exists that most pedophiles seem to be dumber than bricks, amirite?

The next day, Mr. Parker was interviewed at the Franklin County Jail, where he denied the accusations, because who’s going to believe that he sexually abused the child he threatened to kill if she told anyone about him sexually abusing her? Especially when he did so BEFORE the police had any idea at all? No one I tell you! Well, no one with an IQ under 15 at least.

On October 2, 2013 he was back in court, now facing charges of gross sexual assault, tampering with a witness, harassment by telephone, and terrorizing. His bail was set at $75,000 cash, or a $150,000 surety for the sexual assault charges, and $20,000 plus $5,000 to run concurrently for the rest of the charges. Because why not give the guy who threatens, in detail, to kill the child he sexually assaulted, a chance to be out on the streets? What’s the worst that can happen?

It’s not like child’s right to be protected and not worry about the pedophile who wants to kill her is more important than that pervert’s rights. And could someone explain the point of concurrent bail charges? Can I start paying for my groceries this way? I’ll just grab one big ticket item and then tell them I’m paying for the rest concurrently.

Mr. Parker’s attorney would later argue that Mr Parker’s constitutional rights were being violated due to his being transferred to the Maine Correctional Center, which is 90 miles from both his attorney and any family members. His attorney requested that bail be lowered to personal recognizance, since his client can obviously be trusted out in the wide world. I realize that legally, they may have a point, but I simply cannot bring myself to care. Maybe if he hadn’t sent easily traced death threats and sexually explicit messages about a young girl, I might be more inclined to see his side…

In an effort to avoid being jailed until his trial, Whinypants opined on his lack of anxiety meds, his desire to be released to his mom, and some appointment that he apparently could not miss.

In addition to the new charges, prosecutors were also attempting to have a deferred disposition agreement revoked from a charge of domestic violence terrorizing that Mr. Parker plead guilty to in 2012. Can I just say how ludicrous I find allowing someone who terrorizes their own family a sentence that potentially avoids criminal charges? Way to protect his victims there!

Mr. Parker was indicted by grand jury on Monday for five charges of gross sexual assault, violating release conditions, endangering the welfare of a child and harassment by telephone. If convicted he could face up to 30 years in prison for the sexual assault charges, which is no where near long enough for my liking.

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