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Lawrence UrbanCascade Township, MI – Massage therapist, 49-year-old Lawrence Urban, was arrested on charges of fourth-degree criminal sexual conduct after a female customer reported that he touched her inappropriately during a massage.

The victim says she received a massage from Urban (*gag*) on March 15th at the Therapeutic Stress Free Massage Center that will probably leave her compulsively showering for the rest of her life after she claims Urban touched her genital area (*dry retch*) and asked her “if she wanted to orgasm.” Oh God, here it comes… (*baaarf*)

After the victim said, “no,” Urban allegedly told her, “your body is telling me one thing, but you are telling me another.” Urban admitted to police he’d touched the woman’s genital area without her consent while she was laying face-down on the massaging table. He explained that he was given every indication through the woman’s body language, and the way her muscles felt, that she wanted to be pleased sexually.

Urban is currently free on bond while awaiting arraignment.  He is being charged as a second-time felony offender due to a 1981 conviction for delivering marijuana to Texas.  Police are asking for any other victims to please contact them.  Fellas, until vaginas learn to speak for themselves, you really ought to just take the woman’s word for it.

His website now says he “is not currently accepting appointments. All current appointments are cancelled until further notice.”  Too bad, I really think a massage would help Morbid unwind.  [Good thing I still have my weekly prostate exam – Morbid]

Imagine this; you’re on the table in your skivvies (or less) about to get a massage, when THIS creep comes in and says, “Hi, I’m Laaaary.  I’ll be your massage therapist today.”  Holy shit.  What do you do?  Really, tell me, what would you do?  Do you say, “Wow, you look horrifying.  I’m going to leave now?”  I know you’re not supposed to judge people by their looks, but come on.  You can tell that he’s going to molest you.  You can just tell.

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