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Volusia County, FL – Andrew Thomas, 32, who was a Florida Department of Children and Families (DCF) investigator, is accused of soliciting sexual favors from a woman who had purportedly failed her drug test.

He has been charged with bribery by a public servant, official misconduct and falsifying records.

Thomas, who appears to be suffering from a scorching case of alopecia, visited a 22-year-old New Smyrna mother on May 8th.  He informed her that he would love to be closing her DCF file, but that she had unfortunately failed a drug test.  He then allegedly made what must have seemed like a very attractive offer to her.

He reportedly said that he would submit his own urine as hers so she could pass the drug test in question, and all she’d have to do in return would be to let him put his penis in her.

Thomas then told the victim that he had named his penis “Mini Me” because of its head’s remarkable resemblance to the one on his shoulders.  I just made that last thing up.

“Yeah, he was scary. He seemed like he could have gotten aggressive and that’s why I was scared,” the victim told WFTV. “It’s not right. That’s not the way he’s supposed to do his job.”

“He was going so far to bribe this woman to get his own personal gratification of sex, which is definitely beyond the pale,” said Brandon Haught, with the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office.

I guess it’s time for me to withdraw my DCF job application.

The victim told investigators that she attempted to record the conversation with her cell phone, but that he caught on to what she was trying to do and made her delete the recording.  She also said that she removed her clothes, but that they never actually had sex.  Thomas then reportedly provided his urine and had the victim sign some paperwork acknowledging that she had passed the drug screening.

The next day, the victim called Thomas’s supervisors at DCF to report the incident.  The day after that, Thomas moved out of his residence and headed to Pennsylvania, supposedly to be with family.

When a Volusia County Sheriff’s investigator called Thomas in PA to interview him, he reportedly confirmed what the victim had said and told the officer that he had been “in a dark place. Drinking, doing drugs, and buying hookers every night.”

I was under the impression that you could only lease hookers.  It seems as though Thomas might also might be in need of a few lessons in investment strategy, as hookers tend to depreciate too rapidly to make outright purchase a sound financial decision.

Another woman has already come forward to report a similar incident with Thomas.  She claims that he called and texted her late at night, complimented her looks, asked her to go the beach with him (maybe so she could admire his completely hairless body), and alluded to massages and sex.

Thomas is currently being held in Pennsylvania, awaiting extradition back to Volusia County to face the charges against him.

One of the many odd parts of this story is that, if the reports are true, Thomas’s urine wasn’t even clean.

Anyone with information about additional such encounters is asked to contact the Sheriff’s Office at (386) 423-3301 or (386) 423-3888.

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