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Tulsa, OK – Alicia Anne Croney, 24, was arrested on Sunday for child abuse after police allege she repeatedly struck her 5-year-old son with a plastic bag full of glass shards.  She claims the incident was punishment for his playing video games when he was not supposed to be.

This performance puts Croney squarely in the running for “Puma’s Positive Reinforcement Award.”  You’re all invited to the awards ceremony, which is to take place in my dimly-lit basement.  A red carpet will be laid on top of the dirt floor to obscure the newly-disturbed earth.  You’re free to bring your own shovels, but one will be provided to you should you forget.

Croney told police that she removed a bag filled with broken glass from a jar that had shattered earlier in the day and proceeded to hit him “lightly” with it.  The impact reportedly caused the boy to begin screaming and bleeding profusely, however, and she opted to bring him to the hospital for his wounds.  Doctors needed to perform surgery to repair the deep gashes in his legs, and they subsequently notified police due to the severity and depth of the injuries.

I can only really recall two incidents of corporal punishment in my house as a child.  The first was courtesy of my brother who, after receiving several buttock-whacks from a wooden spoon at the hands of my mother, looked back at her, smiled, and stated, “That didn’t hurt.”  The spoon was subsequently broken across his backside after my mother was able to summon offspring-induced Hulk-strength.  The second was when my father slapped me in the face for getting into a fist-fight at a junior dance.  He became a bit sheepish, however, when my opponent called my house to apologize for being solely responsible for the altercation.  It seems his sisters ratted him out for being a total douche.

I can only imagine how different my childhood would have been if bags of broken glass had been used to administer punishment.

Croney was booked into Tulsa jail, her bail set at $50,000.  I’m currently in the process of obtaining her hair stylist’s contact information.  I will post it in case any of you have a hankering to look like a pre-pubescent Dutch boy.

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