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LAKE IN THE HILLS, Ill — A teen in Illinois was arrested after she came home drunk, bit her mother and then bit the family dog several times.

Officers were responding to a home at around 4 a.m. Sunday after neighbors called to report loud screaming and pounding. There they encountered a 37-year-old woman who had been physically assaulted by her 19-year-old daughter, Analise J. Garner.

She said the pair had gotten into an argument after Garner arrived home late and drunk. This altercation resulted in Garner punching her mother in the face and biting her hand. But she wasn’t the only one in the home to be assaulted by Garner’s mouth.

Police Garner also chewed on the family’s 80-pound English bulldog. According to police, there were several visible bite marks on the dog. As a result, the dog bit back and Garner was treated at the scene for a bite wound on her arm. Because the dog bit her, standard procedure dictated animal control be notified.

“The dog was defending himself,” police Sgt. Mark Smith said. “She’d already bit him a few times. The dog was not charged.” o_O

Garner was arrested and charged with animal cruelty, two counts of domestic battery and underage drinking. She has since been released on $3,000 bond and will be back in court on May 23.

I bet this girl is popular with the boys. She’s rebellious, parties hard and has a name like Blowjobina. But I was always wary of the underage girls that hung around our crowd back in the days of first being able to drink legally — when you could be held accountable for their actions.

I still fondly remember a nightmare I went through when I was 21 and my not-quite-legal-to-drink-never-been-drunk-before girlfriend took three too many shots from some Tequila me and my roommate had purchased for a party later that night.

We freaked out and tried to sober her up with food but she ended up crawling out of the sunroof while in a Taco Bell drive-through and puking all over the windshield. She slid down the hood of the car in her own vomit like a friggin’ Slip & Slide.

That part was kind awesome, if not extremely nauseating, but then she tossed a chunk of concrete through the Bell’s storefront window because she was angry at the curb she had tripped over and the fact that she had involuntarily pissed herself.

I learned a valuable lesson that next day that helped me through various scrapes over the years. Lawyers are often worth every penny.

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