William Pious Likes To Cook

September 11, 2009 at 9:10 am by  

San Francisco, CA – I was in the kitchen a few days ago frying up a batch of chicken. Being somewhat accident prone, I fear the kitchen. I mean, that’s where I keep all the stabby stuff and other implements of pain. (ie: hot stuff, poisonous stuff that makes your eyes burn and nose run, heavy slippery stuff labeled ‘vegetables’ that inevitably end up squashing toes, etc.). Anyway, as my breasts were turning a delicious golden brown, I lifted the lid to check for done-ness and shit started popping. Hot oil was flying everywhere – I couldn’t escape. A teaspoon sized oil blop came my way and splattered all over my foot. I’m sure the scream could be heard for miles and the crying lasted for hours. Blisters instantly formed and the damn thing still hurts. That’s just one itty, bitty part of my body – I couldn’t imagine having that kind of pain spread out. To imagine 30% of my body burned and blistered by hot cooking oil is terrifying. William Pious’ neighbor knows the feeling – he’s recovering in the hospital after William doused him with a pan of hot oil as he slept. 

Authorities believe the two men had been involved in an ongoing feud – the feud boiled over last weekend when William entered his neighbor’s apartment through an open door and poured a full pan of boiling oil over the 44-year-old victim. Talk about a fucking rude awakening. Jeebus. Police were able to track the suspect down by following the trail of oil splatters, which led right to William’s door. The victim remains hospitalized in an intensive care unit with life-threatening third-degree burns to over 30% of his body.

William Pious, 50, is no angel. He boasts a lengthy criminal record with past convictions for narcotics, burglary, and numerous parole violations. He’s getting a couple more dings on that record now – he’s facing charges of assault with a deadly weapon and aggravated mayhem. Bond has not yet been set. Asshole should get a little taste of his own medicine…

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