Langley, British Columbia – To the men in Langley – might I suggest adding a protective cup to your daily wardrobe? Seems there is a psycho bitch running loose up there who may find enjoyment in random peter punting. Anthony Clark, 22, was walking around Langley last month, just minding his own business, when a strange woman on the street approached him and kicked him in the nads. Just like that. Poor guy didn’t realize the severity of the blow to the acorns until later that night when he “noticed something was missing.” The demented stranger kicked him hard enough to send one of the crown jewels straight up into his abdomen. Clark visited a specialist in the hopes that the beloved bollock could be coaxed out of his gut to continue life in it’s rightful spot. No such luck. [Read more...]

Columbus, OH – She pulled up at Burlington Coat Factory in a Hummer stretch limo on Tuesday. She claimed that she had won $1.5 million in the lottery and dammit, if you wanted a new coat or some clothes, she was buying, as long as you didn’t spend more than $500. She told customers to call their friends and family – get ‘em down here and get ‘em some free clothing – she’d be there with her money until the store closed. And come, they did. One customer said she didn’t need clothes, but needed help with rent. The newly rich philanthropist didn’t even blink as she wrote the check. The customers were piling in – there were about 500 wandering through the aisles and getting their purchases tallied, and there were about 1,000 people outside the store waiting to get in. And everyone got a two new outfits and coats and lived happily ever after – their faith in the kindness of their fellow man restored. The end. Ha! Yeah right. This is the Dreamin’ Demon, fuckers. [Read more...]

Eunice, LA – I joke all the time about having bodies and various body parts hidden throughout and around my home. When the kids are looking for something, I tell ‘em to check in the closet, behind the severed head of that dude from the grocery store who cut in front of me. Or, under the bed, where the last kid that smarted off to me ended up. My favorite saying to someone who is getting on my nerves? “You’re about to become a funky smell coming from the attic.” But, if I were ever to discover an actual decomposing body rotting away somewhere underneath my house, I would be freaked beyond therapeutic help. The Hannon family thought that funky smell was coming from a dog that had up and died under the house. It wasn’t a dog. It was 43-year-old Duan Andrus. The question now is, how the hell did he get there? [Read more...]

Commerce, TX – That’s it. I never thought this day would come, but, it has. I am marking the date and time on my calendar – as of 5:00 a.m. on September 28th, I have officially heard it all. After today, I highly doubt that I will ever be shocked or by surprised by anything. Officers were called to the Commerce Hardware and FeedFeed reviews on a report of an elderly man blowing an unknown substance into the face of a store employee. The employee told officers that she had reached out to take the man’s check and he blew some whitish, powdery, substance in her face. Undaunted, the cashier turned to the register to process the check and when she turned to face the man, he blew the powdery shit in her face again. (I can’t believe she didn’t freak out and scream “Anthrax!!!”) Anyway, the old guy stood around for a few minutes then left the store and the cashier called the cops. She gave a description of the man and the cops were on his trail. When they caught up with the guy, they realized the powdery substance was pepper. They also realized the guy has a rather odd fetish – he gets off on women sneezing. [Read more...]

Imperial, MO - James Looney used to be a grouchy old fart. Neighbors said the 40-year-old man always kept to himself and, at times, would scream at kids for daring to step on his lawn. All of that changed when he met his girlfriend, Kim Thompson, about a month ago. He moved her into his home and agreed to raise her 2-week-old son as his own. Shortly after setting up house together, Looney accepted a job as an over the road trucker – a job that would keep him away from his new family two to three nights a week. Concerned about his ready-made family’s safety while he was out on the road, Looney decided to school Kim on the importance of gun safety. Now, I couldn’t tell you much about guns and safety and all that happy crap – I’m more of a Louisville Slugger type of gal. But, right off the top of my head, I can name three rules of gun safety. #1. Always assume a gun is loaded. #2. If you’re gonna point the damn thing, your intent better be to injure or kill your target. #3. Guns, stupidity, and alcohol don’t fucking mix. A combination of the three can be lethal. I wish I could tell you that Looney practiced what he preached and adhered to those three very important rules, taught his girlfriend well, and the two donned superhero capes and saved all of mankind with their trigger fingers. I also wish I could tell you I won the fucking lottery. [Read more...]

Longmont, Colorado – I know squat about Santeria, and I am too damn lazy and uninterested to research it, but, due to some recent lip flappin’ and tongue waggin’ going on, I thought this story would make a lovely addition to the front page. Last Saturday, Longmont police were called out on a report of a suspicious package that had been found buried in a small hole in a rural cornfield. The item was wrapped in black plastic and secured with yellow nylon ropes. Playing it safe, the LPD called in the bomb squad and had the item x-rayed. Satisfied there was nothing in the package that would go boom, they unwrapped it. It was a cow tongue. Oddly enough, the tongue had been stitched up -  when the sutures were untied, authorities found some pepper, a picture, and a note written in Spanish. Officers believe that it may have been part of a ritual, either a Santeria ritual or a hoodoo ritual. I have no friggin’ idea what the difference is between the two, and again, I’m not gonna look. Anyway, it is believed this particular cow tongue was used in some kind of shut yo’ trap ritual. Meaning, whoever procured the tongue filled it with pepper, a note, and a pic, trudged out to a rural cornfield, dug a small hole and buried the nasty thing, really wanted someone to quit gossiping and shut the fuck up. (Personally, I’ve always found a quick punch to the throat will do the same thing). Authorities are trying to identify the person in the photograph so they can warn them about possible crazy-ass cow tongue hoodoo rituals. It is unlikely that the corn field digger will face any charges. Now, I’m off to the grocery store for a little package of Shut The Fuck Up – be back later. [Read more...]

Melbourne, FL – RedRed reviews flag: (idiomatic) – A cue, warning, or alert; a sign or signal that something is wrong. Let’s say you post an ad on CraigslistCraigslist, offering child care services. You get a phone call from a gentleman, we’ll call him Mike, asking if you would be interested in caring for his brother – a man in his 40’s who has been disabled in a car accident. The man has poor bladder control, the mental capacity of a 5-year-old, and physical disabilities, which include weak arms. For $600 a week, all you would have to do is allow him to hang out at your house for a bit, change his diaper, and feed him his bottle. Transportation to and from your home? Not an issue. Even though the man supposedly has the mental capacity of a young child, he can navigate from his aunt’s house, which is nearby in the neighborhood, to yours, all on his own. Heh…doesn’t sound suspicious at all, does it? Janet Schulte took Mike up on his offer. [Read more...]

New York – As if we didn’t already have some of the most stomach-churning stories on the net, I’m going to totally ruin your day with this one. Whether the story is true or not remains to be seen – the visuals, though, are enough to make you puke up shit you ate last month. Please, meet Axel Sanz-Claus, I’m not kidding, that’s his real name. Claus, a German tourist, claims that he was enjoying a nice steak and spinach dinner at the Bull and Bear Steak House at the Waldorf-Astoria hotel last FridayFriday reviews, when he made a revolting discovery. “I had it in my mouth, chewed it and nearly swallowed it,” said Claus. “This is so disgusting, I’ve felt sick ever since.” It was supposedly a tampon. A used tampon. [Read more...]