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escalatorSeattle, WA – Maurecio Bell, 42, was strangled to death in a drunken mishap on a King County Metro escalator at University Street Station.

Early Sunday morning, Bell was was found unconscious and unresponsive at the bottom of  the escalator after his clothing got snagged and he was subsequently choked to death.

Surveillance video was reviewed and showed Bell, with an open bottle of brandy in his back pocket, staggering and then leaning against the escalator wall as he was riding it down. Near the bottom he loses his balance and falls on his back. Bell made no effort to get up until he got to the bottom, but by that time, it was too late.

Bell can be seen trying to sit up only to find the back of his shirt had gotten caught in the escalator. He is pulled back down and remained that way until he was discovered by a passerby who shut off the escalator and tried to revive him by performing CPR.

“It’s an unfortunate and tragic accident, and we’ve never seen anything like it before,” said King County Metro spokesman Jeff Switzer.…

woman on planeWashington – The FBI have arrested 39-year-old Saurabh Agarwal after they say he molested a sleeping female passenger on an American Airlines flight.

American Airlines Flight 1142 was en route to Virginia from Miami and one passenger, who had fallen asleep, awoke to find Agarwal “hugging her body, with his hand inside her bra, fondling her breast.”

The woman did not say or do anything about Agarwal fondling her tits because she said she was afraid. Instead, she pretended to be asleep as Agarwal continued to milk her udders and “squeezed her nipple.” He only stopped when a flight attendant approached with a refreshment cart. He ordered a scotch then resumed kneading the dough as the woman continued to pretend being asleep.

Finally deciding enough was enough, the woman pretended to wake up. Argawal began making small talk with her as if nothing had happened, but continued to lean into her even though the armrest was between them. She finally left her seat, pretending she had to use the restroom, then went to the back of the plane and told the flight crew what had happened.…

EasterSEATTLE, WA – An Easter egg hunt turned violent at the Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle after two moms got into a physical altercation.

According to the police report, one woman pushed a child aside so her own child could get their hands on one of Lucifer’s brightly colored testicles. The mother of the child who was cast aside confronted the other mom and the two began fighting.

Other people at the egg hunt had to separate the women three or four times before they finally disengaged. By time police arrived on the scene, only one mother was there. She was sporting a bloody nose, but refused to press charges against her attacker.

I’m tempted to contact the police officer who responded to the scene and see if he’d like to write for the site. Officer Jonah Spangenthal-Lee used four terrible, egg- related puns inside the following report:

Police were called to the Woodland Park Zoo on Sunday after an Easter egg hunt turned rotten (groan).

The hard-boiled tale began around 1 pm, when one woman reportedly pushed a child aside as her own child was scrambling toward some brightly colored eggs. 

Nathon BrooksMOSES LAKE, WA – Police have charged 14-year-old Nathon Brooks with two counts of attempted first-degree murder after they say he got angry with his parents over being grounded, and then shot them both.

Moses Lake police say the shooting happened Friday night at the family’s home after Nathon got upset with his parents after they grounded him for being tardy from school. Part of his punishment was that he could use no electronic devices, which included his ability to play video games.

Nathan vented his frustration that night as he listened to music and contemplated killing his parents. He ended up taking a .22 caliber handgun from the family’s gun cabinet, loading it, and sneaking into his parents’ bedroom as they slept.

He first shot his father, 38-year-old Jonathan Brooks, in the back of the head. He then shot his mother, 39-year-old Elizabeth Brooks, in the face. He fired at his father again as the man rolled out of bed, then fired at his mother two more times when she tried to sit up.…

rachelle BraatenCENTRALIA, WA – Rachelle Braaten, a 24-year-old idiot in Washington, was arrested after video captured her letting her 22-month-old take a hit from a bong.

In the video, you can see Braaten offer the lit bong to the boy who briefly sticks his face on top of the lit bong while other morons in the room start laughing.

When police interviewed Braaten, she reportedly told detectives, “Well, it was like, you can’t see in the camera, but the person taking it, and then there was like a group of people there. And I guess it was a joke and stupid mistake that wasn’t really funny.”

Braaten says she feels “horrible” about the incident. “He’s two and he shouldn’t have known about that,” Braaten said. “He shouldn’t have that in his body.”

Rachelle Braaten was arrested and charged with manufacture of marijuana and delivery of a controlled substance to a minor. She is in jail on a $5000 bail.

The boy’s father was also arrested after police found firearms and 40 marijuana plants inside the couple’s home.…

Michael “Chad” BoysenSEATTLE, WA – Police are searching the 26-year-old Michael “Chad” Boysen, a man who they say killed his grandparents and stole their car just hours after the elderly couple picked him up from prison.

Michael Boysen has been incarcerated since 2006 after being convicted of several robbery related charges. His grandparents picked him up from prison after he was released, and were taking him to their home where they had prepared a room for him to live in.

A family member became concerned when the couple would not answer their door, so their daughter was called. That’s when the bodies of  82-year-old Robert R. and his wife, 80-year-old Norma J. Taylor, were found dead inside the home.

Police believe they were killed sometime Friday night or Saturday morning. Police have not released how they died, aside from saying they were not shot.

“We are at a loss as to why he killed them,” the sheriff said. “We don’t know what the motive is.”

Detectives believe Boysen is trying to find weapons because he’d been searching the Internet for “gun shows” across the Northwest and Nevada. …

Abner CandaEverett, WA – A guard at Snohomish County Jail has been charged with custodial misconduct after he allegedly traded cookies for sex with an inmate.

Abner Canda, 58, has been accused of giving a 22-year-old female inmate homemade cookies in exchange for sexual favors.  The woman went to police in January saying she felt guilty about what she had participated in.  “I’m sorry,” she told police.  “I’m trying to change and be a better person now.  I’m ashamed for my actions.  That’s why I’m saying something.”

The female, only identified as “C.D.”, told police that she willingly showed Canda her breasts in exchange for some food last May.  She was released from jail, but once again found herself as an inmate in October 2012.  She states on November 19th, Canda “came into my room behind me and kissed me and touched my breasts and also put his hand down my pants and placed his finger inside of [my vagina].” Then, in January, she states Canda performed oral sex on her and gave her homemade chocolate chip cookies in return for the sexual favors.…

Kevin VossHoquiam, WA — Like a scene ripped directly from one of my nightmares, a registered sex offender has been accused of drilling holes in a neighbor’s ceiling so he could watch her from above.

Kevin Voss, of unknown age, and his unidentified roommate apparently gained access to a shared crawlspace and drilled holes in the woman’s fucking ceiling. They then proceeded to jerk off as the woman slept and did what most women do behind closed doors. You know, like eat, read, masturbate, dance nekkid while singing show tunes, etc.

The creepy shenanigans quickly ended, though, after the victim’s cats alerted her to the goings-on in the crawlspace.

“My cats all went in the kitchen, and they were looking up at the ceiling. And when I looked up, I saw somebody walking across the ceiling. And I could hear them walking,” the woman said. “I heard a noise up there. And when I hit the ceiling, one of them fell. And the other got scared, and jumped out a hole and ran down the stairs.…

Stetson TedderEverett, WA — A Washington man is accused of hog-tying his 4-year-old stepdaughter with zip ties and duct tape before shooting her 36 times with an Airsoft pellet gun because she woke him up early.

Stetson Tedder, 26, was arrested Thursday on charges of second-degree assault of a child and unlawful imprisonment.

The injuries were discovered after the child’s grandmother, believing she had chicken pox, had her seen at the hospital. A registered nurse at Providence Regional Medical Center Everett counted more than 36 red marks over the girl’s body. After it was determined the child was not suffering from an illness, medical staff called 911.

The child reportedly told her grandmother Tedder tied her up and shot her with the pellet gun as punishment for waking him up.

For those of you unfamiliar with Airsoft guns, they fire plastic BBs made to sting but not break the skin.

Regardless, Tedder “knowingly inflicted bodily harm which by design caused pain as to the equivalent of that produced by torture,” Snohomish County sheriff’s deputies said.…

Sharee SeminoleSeattle, WA — A woman in Seattle has been charged with assault after she beat her boyfriend unconscious while their baby was strapped to her chest.

After getting into an argument at home, 25-year-old Sharee Seminole and her boyfriend got into a physical altercation at the intersection of 25th Avenue South and South Jackson Street.

Witnesses describe watching Seminole, who weighs 270 lbs, throw her boyfriend to the ground then start kicking him in the chest before stomping on his face at least eight times. During all of this, Seminole had the couple’s baby strapped to her chest.

One witness who confronted Seminole said the woman asked, “You know how many times he’s kicked me?” before halting the rearranging of her boyfriend’s face and leaving the scene.

Emergency personal found Seminole’s unconscious boyfriend and rushed him to the hospital. Police described the man’s nose as “severely broken” and displaced. Police found Seminole at a nearby convenience store where she had purchased a bag of Funyuns.

They described Seminole as being belligerent with slurred speech.…

breasticlesEVERETT, WA — Police have arrested a Washington woman after they say she smothered her boyfriend to death with her breasts.

Last Friday night, 50-year-old Donna Lange and her 51-year-old boyfriend had some friends over to their mobile home to get their drink on. Over the course of the evening, Lange and her boyfriend began arguing.

Both Lange and her boyfriend were around 5 foot 7 inches tall, but Lange outweighed him by about 20-pounds. I have no pictures of Lange, so I’m not sure if the extra weight is from a pair of 10-pound titties, or just overall stature.

Regardless, witnesses in the mobile home said that during one of these arguments, Lange was seen throwing her boyfriend down on the ground and her boyfriend could be heard demanding that Lange get off of him. They later found Lange on top of her unresponsive boyfriend with her breasts covering his face.

After someone called 911, medics arrived and tried reviving Lange’s boyfriend, but he would be pronounced dead at the hospital.…

Seattle, WA — Yesterday I reported on a South Carolina man who was found guilty of impregnating his 13-year-old daughter and will only serve one year behind bars. Now we have a story out of Washington in which a man confessed to repeatedly molesting his 2-year-old daughter and a judge let him walk free.

Jason Sherwood was indicted on child molestation charges in 2011 after he confessed to molesting his 2-year-old daughter on multiple occasions. The tapes were made years after the abuse when Jason and his wife, Susan, decided to start taping their conversations as they went through a divorce. “We would talk and I was very confused, and I think he was dealing with a lot of denial so we started using the tape recorder. We started taping our conversations,” Susan said.

In these taped conversations, you can hear Jason admit to his wife that he molested their daughter. Susan asks, “How many times did you take her out of the bath and masturbate while she was sitting naked on your lap?” Jason answers, “Oh you know Sue, I don’t remember, but it was probably between five to 10 times.”

Jason goes into more detail later in the tape.…

Woodville, WA – Anna Boyle, 28, was arrested Sunday on drug and child endangerment charges when a state trooper discovered that she had her three young children and a dog locked in the trunk of her 2007 Nissan Sentra.  More charges are likely to follow if the prosecution has its way.

Boyle was reportedly driving 77 miles per hour on a section of I-405 where the limit is 60 miles per hour, and that’s what caused the trooper to execute a routine traffic stop.  When he stepped up to the car, he says he found a very nervous Boyle in the driver’s seat, her mustachioed fiancé, 27-year-old Aaron Johnson, in the passenger seat, and a strong smell of marijuana.

When asked about the odor, Boyle reportedly said she “just took a few hits earlier.”  That prompted the trooper to ask for permission to search the vehicle, which he did.  The search apparently revealed “numerous pipes, two scales and baggies covered in heroin residue.”  Now, that doesn’t sound like recreational drug use to me.…

Port Angeles, WA – Patrick Drum, 34, the man arrested for killing two men who had previous convictions for sexual offenses, has been sentenced to life without the possibility of parole.

I wrote this story up back in June, soon after the killings took place.  I’m sure you’ll want to reacquaint yourself with it and read through some of the comments from people who were lauding Drum’s actions, despite the fact that one of his victims’ convictions was from back in 2001, when he was in high school, and could very well have been a result of consensual sex.  It’s unfortunate that I did not include that in the original text of the story, and only mentioned it in the comments section.

Drum and Lee Blanton, 28, were both renting space in the same house when Drum shot him multiple times.  Drum then went to the home of Jerry Wayne Ray, 57, another convicted sex offender with whom he was acquainted, and proceeded to shoot him fatally.  Jerry Wayne Ray was a convicted child rapist.…

EVERETT, WA — A woman in Washington was in court yesterday, answering to accusations that she tried to cut off her sleeping husband’s head with a reciprocating saw.

Police arrested 44-year-old Renee Bishop-McKean last October after her husband, Brett Bishop, told them that she had just tried to kill him. He told them that he had awoke to the sound of the Sawzall reciprocating saw that his wife had in her hands, and was in the process of pressing against his neck.

After pushing her away and jumping out of bed, Bishop says he fought with McKean to get control of the saw. “Renee came at me in the kitchen with the Sawzall raised up, we had a struggle over it,” said Bishop. “She kept pulling the trigger to make it run, so I reached out and pulled the battery out of it.”

Not quite ready to call it a loss, the criminal complaint states McKean swung a hatchet at Bishop and hit him in the back of the head with a mallet.…

Seattle, WA – A man who apparently came out of nowhere on Tuesday to tackle a 19-year-old boy and his 16-year-old autistic sister is in custody after he stripped off his clothes and eluded police for two hours while swimming in Green Lake.

The whack-job currently being dubbed “Green Lake Naked Man” will, for the remainder of this article, be referred to as “GLNM.”   He ambushed the two victims and pushed them to the sidewalk, breaking the boy’s pinkie-finger, splitting his lip and causing various abrasions.  The girl suffered minor abrasions as well, but was otherwise unhurt.

“(He) pretty much just attacked me from behind. I didn’t even see it coming,” said Daniel Gonzalez, one of the victims.

Witnesses chased the man around the lake for a while, but were unsuccessful.  “He could sprint like you wouldn’t believe,” said witness Betty Atkinson.

When police arrived, GLNM stripped off all his clothes and jumped into nearby Green Lake in an apparent bid for escape.  The only way that tactic is going to work is if you’re able to grow some gills, I think. …

SPANAWAY, WA — A man turned himself into police after his wife and 11-year-old daughter were found shot to death in their home.

Dean Holmes, 40, has been charged with two counts of aggravated first-degree murder after he walked into a police station and admitted to killing his wife, 41-year-old Kristi Holmes, and daughter, 11-year-old Violet Holmes.

After confessing, police were dispatched to his home and could see that Dean was telling the truth when they looked through the window of the master bedroom and saw the lifeless bodies of Kristi and Violet.

Dean told police that at around 6:00 a.m. Tuesday morning, he shot Kristi as she was sleeping. He then woke up Violet and a friend of hers who had spent the night. They got into a car and Dean dropped off Violet’s friend at her house. He then drove around with Violet for a bit before pulling over and shooting her as she slept in the backseat. Then, with his dead daughter still in the backseat, he went to McDonald’s to get some food because, you know, nothing gets you hankerin’ for an Egg McMuffin like a bit of familicide.…

Yakima, WA – A 13-year-old boy was arrested last Sunday morning and held on $100,000 bail for allegedly climbing through the window of a racy coffee stand and groping the lone barista on duty.

Moulin Brew is a coffee stand where bikini-sporting baristas serve customers coffee and optionally perform suggestive dances called “Five Dollar Hollers” for…ummmm…five dollars, I guess?  Anyway, at about 7:30 AM, our troubled, testosterone-fueled hero arrived alone, driving his mother’s minivan.  He reportedly ordered some coffee and multiple dances.

The dances and the hormones they ignited proved too much for the boy, it seems, as he reportedly climbed through the window and began grabbing at the barista’s presumably lovely lady parts.  She was able to reach a phone to call for help, which prompted the boy to exit the way he came, jump back in the grocery-getter, and drive off.

Police apprehended him about 20 minutes later, driving on an interstate near his home in Toppenish.  He has been charged with first-degree burglary and indecent liberties, but his name is being withheld because of his age.…


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