Good day, sickos. I want to thank all of you for your calls and emails inquiring about my well-being and offering sex at various public parks. But fear not, I am just on a much-deserved, much-needed vacation. Although I am off this week, I will be writing up some stuff off and on while finally being able to focus on some DD house cleaning. I'll also have time to respond to some of you interested in writing. In the meantime, be sure to check out the forums for the latest in terrible news.

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Indianapolis, IN — A man caught fappin’ in the ladies’ room at an Indianapolis WalMart reportedly told store security he “had a sex problem” and went into the bathroom “to look at the women” while masturbating.

20-year-old Brandon Jelks was busted after a woman visiting the facility told a store employee she believed there was a man in one of the stalls. The employee then peered under one of the stall doors and spotted a pair of blue patterned boxers around the ankles of what appeared to be a man’s shoes. In addition, the woman reported hearing some moaning noises and the sound of someone masturbating. She asked another associate to confirm that the sounds were, indeed, fappish in nature. The second associate confirmed the first associate’s suspicions and alerted store security.

Enter store security…an off-duty police officer. She, too, heard the moanin’ and fappin’ and noticed the boxer laden ankles behind the stall door. She peeked through a crack in the door and could see a male sitting on the toilet, but couldn’t tell exactly what said male was up to in there.…

PALM BAY, Fla. – Police say a woman originally from Saudi Arabia has been charged with a hate crime after spitting on Walmart shoppers.

It all started on Sunday when 21-year-old Nuha Mohammed Al-Doaifi tried entering the store through the exit and struck the door with her shopping cart. Another shopper told her she was trying to get in through the wrong door and Al-Doafi responded by spitting in their face. She then went into the store with her 2-year-old son to continue shopping.

While in the store, she also did what a lot of us think of doing while in a Walmart and spat at another customer who got too close to her, but missed. Workers were notified and security called police. At first police were going to charge Al-Doafi with battery, but they gave that charge a hate crime spritzer after she allegedly told police her reason for spitting on people was because “Americans are pushing us around.” Now her charge could be elevated to a felony.…

ELYRIA, Ohio — Here’s a mother-daughter duo who fit right in with the Walmart stereotypes.  Police say a pregnant woman and her mother were arrested after one choked and the other threatened a 71-year-old Walmart greeter while leaving the store.

Elyria police say 49-year-old Toni Duncan was asked to show a receipt Saturday when leaving the store. This is standard practice at Walmart, at least the one in my area. Duncan reportedly responded by yelling racial slurs, pushing a cart into the greeter, and grabbing his throat and choking him.

Her daughter, 21-year-old Ashley Jackson, then allegedly threatened to blow up the store. She also indicated to the greeter that he would be dead once her boyfriend found out about the incident. Police say Jackson threatened to punch another employee who came to the greeter’s aid. All of this over being asked to show a receipt… now that’s classy.

When police arrived, the two were found in the parking lot with two small children. Duncan reportedly admitted to choking the greeter, but added that she wanted to press charges against the WalMart employees.…

Dallas, TX – Police have filed murder charges against that prick who accidentally killed an elderly woman in a Walmart parking lot while stealing her purse.

Last Wednesday, 76-year-old Sabra Leavy was walking in the parking lot of a Dallas Walmart when she was called over to a truck driven by 28-year-old Rogelio Cazta Belmonte who reached out and grabbed Leavy’s purse. As Belmonte drove off, poor Leavy got tangled in her purse straps and was dragged for 40-yards. When she finally fell to the ground she was ran over by the truck’s rear wheel and left in the parking lot in a crumpled heap.

It would take three days, but Belmonte would graduate from being a lowly thief to a lowly, murdering thief on Saturday Leavy finally died from her injuries, injuries that included a shattered pelvis. Police would identify and arrest Belmonte on Saturday, charging him with capital murder. He was still in jail today on a half-million-dollar bond. Here’s surveillance footage posted to Youtube by Dallas police during their investigation.…

Statesville, NC -- An 83-year-old man has been arrested and charged with armed robbery after police say he robbed the Walmart store he worked at.

Police say that shortly before 7 p.m on Sunday, George Plane Jr., 83, was working his job as a Walmart greeter when he exited the store and went to his car. Their he retrieved a handgun and donned a mask before re-entering the store through the garden department (the only way to enter or exit a Walmart if you ask me.)

Once back inside, he put the gun up to a fellow employee’s head and demanded cash from the register. Before leaving with the cash, he allegedly fired a shot into the air. Witnesses followed Plane after he left in his vehicle and directed police to his location. After a brief standoff, Plane surrendered without incident.

Plane, who looks pretty damn good for his age, was subsequently charged with robbery with a dangerous weapon and discharging a firearm inside the city limits.…

Man Charged In WalMart Hatchet Attack

February 16, 2011 at 6:09 am by  

Quincy, MA – Kenneth Rosen has been ordered to undergo a psychiatric evaluation after allegedly threatening two men with a hatchet at a Quincy WalMart.

Quincy police Capt. John Dougan said Rosen became enraged when two men seated near him in the Subway restaurant inside the store asked him to turn down his radio Friday afternoon.

“He stood up and threw a tonic at them, then pulled out a hatchet with a foot-and-a-half long handle, waving and swinging it in the direction of their heads,” Dougan said.

And then, in what must have been an awe-inspiring show of complete badassery, Rosen reportedly slammed the hatchet down on the table where the men had been sitting, cutting a sandwich in half. “You want some of that?” he asked. I’m guessing their answer was no…

As Rosen was being escorted out by store security, police say he pulled out a folding knife and pointed it at them.

When an officer rolled up a short time later, Rosen was found walking down a nearby street with the hatchet holstered to his right hip.…

St. Cloud, FL — Police responded to the St. Cloud Wal-Mart just after 6:30 p.m on Friday after receiving a report of a kidnapping. According to authorities, a young boy at the store said he was approached by a heavy set white man with dark hair who threatened to stab him if he didn’t leave the store with him – the man did not show a weapon. The man reportedly drove the boy to the Home Depot parking lot next door and performed a sex act on himself. Police said the man did not expose himself to the child, nor did he touch the boy. After the alleged act, he returned the child to WalMart and the police were called. After viewing store surveillance video, police released a picture of the alleged perv, as well as a description of his vehicle. Early Sunday morning, after hearing he had been featured in local news reports as a suspect in the kidnapping of a minor, 55-year-old Gordon Libby turned himself in.…

ORANGE COUNTY, FL — The man who was chased out of a Florida Walmart by the mother of the child he flashed is a registered sex offender who has spent time in prison for…can you guess? If you guessed child related sex crimes then you would be correct. Shocker, right? At around 3 p.m. Sunday, a tall man with a ponytail opened his trench coat and exposed himself to a young girl at an Ocoee Walmart and took off  after the child’s mother tried to stop him. Using descriptions given by witnesses as well as surveillance footage, police have nabbed 43-year-old David Huffman, a transient, and charged him with lewd and lascivious exhibition to a child under 16. Huffman is no stranger to the legal system, having done time in prison on four occasions since 1988. This includes a conviction on a charge of sexual battery of a child under 12-years-old and two years in prison for failing to tell Orange County authorities that he was a sex offender. One of these days enough people will have had their children diddled by these repeat offenders to realize that euthanasia — my personal solution for repeat sex offenders — is the only punishment that truly guarantees, without any doubt, that a sex offender’s recidivism rate is exactly 0%.…

Port Saint Lucie, FL — We’ve all been there before; shopping somewhere in the vicinity of a child with a noisy toy whose caretaker have obviously grown immune to the grating sounds it emits, evident by them letting the kid continually use it. God knows it has taken all I have not to grab the offending noisemaker and shove it down the throat of the person ultimately responsible. But I don’t. Not because of any real moral restraint but rather not wanting to end up in the papers or on my own site like 33-year-old Jeanette Ramirez. She was charged with misdemeanor battery after an altercation with a  fellow Walmart shopper who was babysitting a 2-year-old. The toddler was playing with a Spiderman handlebar bike horn and it was aggravating Ramirez to the point that she said something to the 47-year-old victim. “Words were exchanged between both women, at which time Jeanette Ramirez physically attacked (the victim),” the affidavit states. After the assault, the victim followed Ramirez out into the parking lot and used her shopping cart to keep her there until police arrived and arrested her.…

LAFAYETTE, Ga – Terry and Lisa Templeton are facing charges of reckless conduct after left their 2-year-old grandson in a shopping cart, in freezing temperatures, in a Walmart parking lot. They couple told police they simply forgot to take him home. Video footage shows the couple shopping with the toddler and the later loading their car while the boy sat in the child safety seat of a shopping cart. Terry, 48, is then seen taking the cart back to the front of the store and getting in the car, his grandson still sitting in the cart. Four minutes later, Terry gets out of the car and goes back into Walmart, walking right past his grandson. Another customer has now seen the boy shivering in the cold, taking him inside the Walmart when she sees no one come for him. An announcement is made over the Walmart intercom, but no one comes for the boy, even though Terry is in the store shopping for 30 more minutes. He then leaves the store and gets back in the car with Lisa and they drive away, only to return about 20 minutes later.…

Florida – How in the hell I missed this guy I will never know as God knows I’m a sucker for masturbation stories. Hmm…anyway, back in September, 28-year-old William Tyler Black was in a Florida Walmart buying a toy for his daughter when he says he got aroused by some pretty girls in the store. So he did what any red-blooded male would do in that situation and grabbed a 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition off the rack, found a secluded spot in the toy section of the store and proceeded to jack off. After shooting his load on to the floor, he wiped his hands off on a Star Wars lightsaber, discarded the magazine and proceeded to leave unaware store employees had witnessed him in the act and had already contacted police. Black would admit to the responding officer that he had been masturbating and apologized saying that he was not a pervert and that he would clean up his mess. He was charged with indecent exposure and battery on a child — the latter charge stemming from the fact that a child could have come into contact with the knuckle soldiers left on the toy. …

Reno, NV – I wasn’t going to post this but it involves Walmart and like stories involving cheerleaders and people who jack off in public, I couldn’t resist. A man on the verge of being fired from his job at Walmart walked into work on Friday morning and opened fire, shooting three co-workers. Luckily for the three who were shot, one of whom was a manager, 45-year-old John Gillane was as bad a shot as he was an employee as they’re all expected to survive. After shooting the three, he barricaded himself in an office like a chump and refused to come out. After negotiators relayed that attempts to talk Gillane out had failed, Reno police and SWAT were sent in. At 2:30 p.m. Gillane, described as a “disgruntled” worker, surrendered to police.  “He has surrendered peacefully, we did not need to use force,” said Reno Police Department Lt. Mohammad Rafaqat. Gillane was taken to a hospital after complaining of chest pains, where once released he will be taken to jail where he will face a slew of charges, including three counts of attempted murder.…

SALISBURY, Md.- A man has been arrested and charged with assaulting an elderly woman in the checkout line of a Maryland Walmart. On Oct 13th, police responded to an emergency room where a 70-year-old woman had been admitted after suffering injuries she says was inflicted by 24-year-old James Russell Crockett. Allegedly, the elderly woman went to move from one checkout lane to another and accidentally bumped into the cart of Crockett’s wife. The wifey became enraged and began yelling racial slurs when Crockett picked up the woman and put her on her own cart then proceeded to ram her cart, with her in it, into a counter several times before she fell out onto the floor. As she lay on the ground screaming for help, Crockett flipped her cart on top of her then went back to checking out his groceries with his wife. Crockett has now been charged with first- and second-degree assault, reckless endangerment, disturbing the peace, dangerous weapon with intent to injure and disorderly conduct. His wife, 22-year-old Virginia Elizabeth Crockett, was charged with disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace.…

BRANDON, Fla. - A woman has been arrested and charged with taking a group of young kids, aged 6, 9, 10, and 11, on a midnight shoplifting spree at a Florida Walmart. Police say Erica Young took two of her neighbor’s children along with two of her own, to assist her in an attempt to …

Alliance, Ohio — I have no idea how I missed this one, but I did and even though it is almost a week old, I am posting this story anyway in case any of you missed it and because, well,  it is so goddamn funny. Last week, James Brienzo was running from police, suspected of shoplifting from a Walmart, and decided that a good hideout would be a nearby dumpster. The only problem was that he chose to jump inside a dumpster that was moments away from being picked up. Not long after entering it, Brienzo was picked up and dumped into the back of a garbage truck. Brienzo was able to use his cell phone to call a friend begging him to get someone to stop the truck as he could not get out and had already been compacted once. Police were able to locate the truck via GPS and stop it, but Brienzo was so wedged inside the garbage after being compacted multiple times, they had to take him to the Alliance Recycling Center to dumped his dumbass out.…

Cleanup On Aisle 12, Please

September 16, 2010 at 6:45 am by  

North Port, FL – Have you ever found yourself overcome with the sudden desire to drop everything and rub one off while shuffling through your local WalMart? No? Me either. Well, except for that one time…but damn, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups were 10 for $10! The urge was there, but I curbed it, thankyouverymuch. William Black, the handsome devil you see to the left, is obviously lacking in the self-control department – he was recently arrested for wankin’ it in the toy aisle. According to the arrest affidavit, a female employee working in the toy department Tuesday evening heard someone moaning and groaning in one of the aisles. When she rounded the corner to investigate, she saw Mr. Black standing there, peener out and at full mast, masturbating to the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated. The woman informed security, sorry…Asset Protection Associates, and two of ‘em responded to her call. Black, somehow oblivious to the growing audience, was just finishing up when the Associates arrived. He reportedly shot a load onto the floor, attempted to rub it in with his shoe, and wiped his slimy hand off on a toy before heading off to finish his shopping.…

Walmart Employee Sucker Punched By Shoplifters

August 30, 2010 at 7:00 am by  

GOLDEN, Colo – Last Friday a Walmart employee had a pretty bad day after having the living daylights knocked out of him by a man who was part of a group of shoplifters. The attack happened after three individuals left through the garden center entrance pushing a cart full of stolen merchandise setting off the anti-theft alarm. When an employee followed them outside to see what was going on, a third suspect punched him in the head from behind…the guy never saw what hit him. Even worse is that the blow knocked him forward, causing him to land on the shopping cart with his face. He suffered serious facial injuries, including a blow to the head, a cut on his nose and black eyes. So far two of the men have been captured by police. Joe David Lucero, 34, and Jose Antonio Cruz, 19, are currently in jail on felony charges and both have violent records. Police would like to get the remaining two off the street. If you have any information on this, Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office is asking you call the Sheriff’s Office tip line at 303-271-5612.…

Fayetteville, AR - Police say registered sex offender Brandon Hutson is back behind bars after allegedly raping a 3-year-old child in a WalMart bathroom last week. According to the police report, the child and her brother were playing alone in the toy department when Hutson “helped” the little girl find the bathroom. Once inside the bathroom, Hutson reportedly masturbated while the child was in a neighboring stall before molesting her twice in a span of ten minutes. After the assault, the child told her mother a man carried her into the bathroom and raped her. Though he left the area before police arrived, authorities were able to identify him through store surveillance videos. Hutson was arrested at another WalMart store on Friday after police responded to a report of a suspicious person trying to help a little girl find her mother. Though he initially denied raping the child, claiming he had accidentally bumped into her, he later ‘fessed, cried and said he didn’t mean for it to happen. Hutson, who was convicted on charges of child molestation back on ’07, now faces charges of kidnapping and rape.…


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