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Ocala, FL — A Florida “mother” has been arrested after she ditched her 1-year-old son at a Walmart following a botched shoplifting attempt.

Police say 19-year-old Allison Niemeyer and her sister, 22-year-old Laura Niemeyer, stuffed approximately $60 worth of merchandise inside her son’s diaper bag as they perused the aisles of a Walmart on Friday. As they headed out the door with their loot, a loss prevention officer instructed them to come back inside.

Allison had some brain cells fire up behind that stupid looking face of hers, all three of them instructing her to run like hell and to leave her sister behind with her son. Laura eventually broke free from store employees and followed her sister to a van that had been waiting for them in the parking lot. The van sped off with the sisters, leaving behind the 1-year-old boy and the stolen merchandise.

The next night police would receive a tip that the sisters where driving a silver Dodge Durango and were currently enjoying themselves in a dance club.…

CITRUS HEIGHTS, CA — A man has been charged with attempted murder after he tried to strangle his 3-month-old baby to death in a Walmart parking lot.

Daniel Graf, 32, was at the Walmart on Friday night to meet his estranged wife and visit his daughter. The couple eventually got into an argument over custody arrangements that led to Graf’s wife calling police.

Graf got angry with the responding officer and began walking away with his daughter. Graf then threatened to kill the baby and began strangling her. Realizing the infant was in danger, the officer decided to show Graf the proper way to choke the life out of someone by placing him in a carotid restraint control hold.

“It’s a tactic where the officer applies pressure to both sides of the carotid artery on the neck that will render and individual briefly unconscious,” said Jon Kempf from Citrus Heights Police.

What Kempf is trying to say is that the officer placed Graf in the Sleeper hold, an effective choke-hold I liked to employ on my ex-wife during sex, and before her lawyers got involved.…

Exton, PA — A 6-foot-4, 300-pound man was arrested Wednesday after he was seen walking around Walmart wearing nothing but socks. Socks he apparently lifted from the customer service desk.

Surveillance video of the bizarre incident shows 32-year-old Verdon Lamont Taylor exiting his vehicle in the store parking lot and stripping down to his birthday suit. He is then seen walking into the store all nekkid-like and approaching the customer service counter. It was there, police say, that Taylor found the socks in question, slipped them onto his feet and continued on his way through the aisles.

Police quickly arrived on scene, and after making contact with Taylor, were forced to subdue him with a stun gun. Once they had him strapped to a gurney, Taylor allegedly spat on the face of one of the officers.

Taylor has since been arraigned on charges of indecent exposure, aggravated assault, simple assault, retail theft, receiving stolen property and disorderly conduct, and ordered held on $50,000 cash bail.

No word on whether mental illness, drugs or alcohol were involved.…

TITUSVILLE, FL — Police have arrested a registered sex offender for allegedly exposing himself to a couple of kids in the toy aisle of a Florida Walmart.

Police say that 28-year-old Robert Walyus was in a Titusville Walmart last Saturday when he approached two children in the toy aisle and asked if he could touch them while his dick was hanging out of his pants.

One of the victims ran off and told her mother what happened and that she “saw his thing.” The mom witnessed Walyus adjusting his pants when she turned around and looked at him. Waylus managed to get out of the store before authorities arrived, but after using images from surveillance video, Waylus was soon identified and arrested at his home.

He was charged with with lewd or lascivious exposure to a child under 16 years old and is currently being held on a $125,000 bond. He may be facing more charges as detectives were able to link him to a similar incident at Titusville Publix last October.…

BATAVIA, NY — A woman was arrested on Christmas Eve after police say she punched a 70-year-old Walmart greeter in the face after the employee asked to see her receipt.

According to reports, 26-year-old Jacquetta Simmons and her male companion were leaving the store on Christmas Eve after having purchased some items at the electronics section located in the back of the store.

When Grace Suozzi asked to check her receipts against the items she was carrying out, Simmons punched the elderly woman, knocking her to the ground and fracturing the bones in the side of her face.

Simmons and her friend fled to the parking lot but other employees and customers quickly surrounded their car and prevented them from leaving until police showed up.

Simmons was arrested and charged with two counts of second-degree assault, and released later on $40,000 bond. She’ll be back in court January 23. State Police Trooper Tracy Patterson said Simmons had receipts for everything in her bags.

Suozzi was taken to the hospital and released from the hospital on Christmas Day.…

GREENVILLE, SC — Holiday shoppers in a South Carolina Walmart were treated to the sight of a man stabbing his screaming wife to death inside the store.

Police say last weekend, 47-year-old Avery Blandin got into a verbal altercation with his wife, 38-year-old Lilia Blandin who worked at the Woodforest bank located inside the Walmart.

The fight soon turned physical, and in front of a herd of Walmart shoppers, Avery pulled out a knife and began stabbing Lilia. One shopper told reporters he witnessed Avery stabbing his wife before stomping on her neck and chest area when she fell to the ground.

Witnesses followed Avery as he fled the store and tried to stop him by tripping him, pushing him and hitting him with a chair. They stopped pursuing him after he pulled out a second knife.

“When he pulled the blade, the second knife, I just, that’s when I let him go because I already seen what he did with the first one, so I wasn’t going to get involved with the next one,” said a very smart Phillip Tallent.…

Tulsa, OK— A woman too broke to purchase the ingredients necessary to whip up a batch of meth is accused of swiping the items from the shelves at Walmart and setting up a mini-lab right inside the store.

Store surveillance video reportedly captured 45-year-old Elizabeth Alisha Halfmoon walking into the store at about noon on Thursday. For the next six hours or so, Halfmoon wandered through the store collecting the items on her shopping list.

It took a minute, but security personnel eventually figured the woman was up to something stupid and put in a call to the police.

Halfmoon was half-way to completion by the time police arrived. Deputies made contact with the woman just moments after she had mixed two bottles of sulfuric acid and starter fluid.

“When firefighters were on the scene she made statements to them that is what she was doing, she was attempting to obtain these chemicals and was in the process of trying to manufacture meth,” said Officer David Shelby. “However, she said she was not very good at it.”

Stoopid tweeker forgot to swipe the most important ingredient – pseudoephedrine.…

Los Angeles, CA — Now that the turkey has settled, and because you couldn’t pay me to set foot in a retail store today, I figured I’d get a couple stories posted before slipping back into a food coma.

In what officials are calling “shopping rage,” an unidentified woman, trying to get her grubby paws on more sale items, sprayed as many as 20 other shoppers with pepper spray at the Walmart in Porter Ranch late Thursday night.

According to police Sgt. Jose Valle, store employees had brought out a crate of discounted Xbox 360s, and as the crowd waited for the unwrapping, the woman began spraying people “in order to get an advantage.”

Ten people were slightly injured by the pepper spray and 10 others suffered minor bumps and bruises in the chaos, Valle said. They were treated at the scene.

“People could have gotten trampled,” said Valle. “Good thing there were no small kids.”

The woman apparently used the spray tactic in other areas of the store as well, but no other injuries have been reported.…

Lakewood, CA — A 47-year-old transient was arrested on suspicion of murder Tuesday, accused of bludgeoning an elderly man to death with a baseball bat in the sporting goods section of the store. Police are calling the attack random and unprovoked.

Surveillance cameras show Richard Lawrence Kalfin wandering the aisles for a short time before the 74-year-old victim even entered the store. Kalfin’s wandering led him to the sporting goods section of the store, where he grabbed an aluminum baseball bat from a display rack.

Kalfin continued walking through the aisles, stopping only when he spotted the 74-year-old victim. Witnesses claim Kalfin asked the man for change, and when he was denied, he started swinging. And he didn’t stop until the victim was good and dead….

“It was very scary — very, very scary, to hear the noise of someone’s life being taken away,” said witness Jennifer Thompson. “Noises like moans and groans … you could hear when he hit him. It was awful, so awful. And then I went around the corner and peeked … and he just walked out like it was nothing.”

Kalfin was arrested at the scene.…

Oshkosh, WI — I know that in the grand scheme of things, VeiJzahn Knight losing her title of Miss Oshkosh after getting caught shoplifting from Walmart isn’t that big of a deal, but I’m in a bad mood this Monday morning and I’m writing about it anyway.

Miss Oshkosh Scholarship Pageant is a beauty pageant that began back in 1964.  Any lucky lady crowned Miss Oshkosh receives a cash scholarship, totaling around $9000 dollars for 2012, with various different gifts from over twenty other sponsors. I could be wrong about this, but from the looks of the contestants over the last few years, this pageant has been a primarily white affair.

But this year, 19-year-old VeiJzahn Knight was crowned Miss Oshkosh and became the first black woman ever given the title in the pageant’s 47 year history. Adding to that proud distinction, Knight has now become the first woman in the pageant’s history to have their title stripped from them.

It’s not like pageant officials didn’t have a valid reason.…

ARBUTUS, Md. — Police have arrested a woman in connection to the bleach attack that occurred in the aisles of a Maryland Walmart on Saturday morning.

Theresa Monique Jefferson, 33, got into an argument with her baby’s daddy’s new girlfriend and followed her into a Walmart where she assaulted the woman.

Once Jefferson had the victim on the ground, she began grabbing bleach and ammonia products off the shelves and pouring the liquids on top of the other woman.

Aside from it sucking to have any of the two chemicals poured on you, both of them together is even worse, creating toxic fumes that sent a handful of customers and employees to the hospital.

After police, firefighters and hazardous materials crews arrived at the store, they made the decision to evacuate it and keep it that way until the mess could be cleaned up.

Fire officials said 19 people had to be taken to the hospital for treatment, including one suffering from a serious eye injury. Jefferson was arrested and charged with charged with first- and second-degree assault, theft under $100 and malicious destruction of property.…

ELYRIA, Ohio — I’m sometimes aggravated by the person whose job it is to stand at the front of the door and check receipts, but it takes all of 30 seconds max to simply hold out my receipt and smile as they pretend to check it against my items. It’s not like they find the stuff I crammed in my pockets.

But one woman in Ohio, 49-year-old Toni Duncan, took things way too far back in March when a 71-year-old Walmart greeter asked to see her receipt as she was leaving the store. Already unhappy that customer service would not help her with another matter, Duncan became verbally abusive towards Alger Burchell and started yelling racial slurs at him. Witnesses say she hit him with her shopping cart before grabbing him by the throat.

Another employee intervened at which time Duncan went back to the customer service counter and threatened to punch an employee in the face. She then bragged to her pregnant daughter who was in the store with her, 23-year-old Ashley Jackson, that she had just “choked a cracker.”

Not content with letting her mother act like a jackass, Jackson would join in by threatening to blow up the store three times while also telling Burchell that  once her boyfriend found about the incident, he wouldn’t be alive to finish his shift.…

Uniontown, PA – Elaine Weimer, 50, is heading to jail after being convicted of using her 8-year-old granddaughter to help steal items from a Walmart store June of last year. Police said Weimer walked through the aisles of the Pennsylvania Walmart and took things off the shelves – making her granddaughter carry them.

When the two left the store, they were stopped by an employee. That’s when, according to investigators, Weimer told the employee that she did not know the girl. She then reportedly got in her car and left. Nice.

“She compounded the retail theft charge. By leaving the child at the location, she’s now facing additional criminal charges,” Trooper Scott Krofcheck said at the time of the arrest.

Police said the child identified her grandmother who was captured in surveillance video stuffing a Jeff Gordon hat and hair products into the granddaughter’s bags. According to police, Weimer also stole new clothes, a toothbrush, teeth whitening strips and anti-aging cream – all of which appeared sorely needed from video interviews.…

Monroe, LA — Travis Keen, 28, was arrested Tuesday after a witness reported seeing him driving through a WalMart parking lot with his schlong exposed for all to see.

According to the arrest affidavit, provided by the fine folks over at The Smoking Gun, an unidentified witness called police after gettin’ an eyeful of said schlong. The witness went on to say that as he followed Keen through the parking lot, he couldn’t help but notice that Keen would stop and stare whenever he saw a female in the lot.

When questioned by police, Keen initially claimed he was simply trying to figure out whether he had properly fixed the power steering on his Ford Taurus. When confronted with the witnesses statement, Keen fessed, reportedly telling the arresting officer that, yes, he did have his penis exposed. Why? Apparently because of ‘past experiences’ at the retail giant. See, according to what Keen told police, a visit to WalMart gives him wood.

Keen was booked on obscenity charges. He remains behind bars in lieu of $5,000 bail.…

Galveston, TX –– 20 year-old Austin Jones was arrested Monday after a violent outburst directed at a baby.

Tasers, bath salts, Walmart… these are a few of our favorite things.

The 11 month-old, sitting in a shopping cart pushed by her 24 year-old mother, was just minding her own damn baby business (you know… sucking thumbs, making unintelligible mouth-noises and plotting an inconvenient time to crap in her diaper) when Jones walked through the entrance behind them.

Detective Michelle Sollenberger of the Galveston Police said, “As he approached, he was yelling and screaming at them about the baby. He grabbed the bed of her shopping cart the child was sitting in and started pulling and shaking the shopping cart. The mother kept it from completely flipping over on the child. The little girl had red marks on her legs from the shaking.”

As it happened, two retired police officers where nearby. After calling dispatch, they tried to detain him themselves, but he resisted (and continued to do so) as officers arrived.…

Indianapolis, IN — A man caught fappin’ in the ladies’ room at an Indianapolis WalMart reportedly told store security he “had a sex problem” and went into the bathroom “to look at the women” while masturbating.

20-year-old Brandon Jelks was busted after a woman visiting the facility told a store employee she believed there was a man in one of the stalls. The employee then peered under one of the stall doors and spotted a pair of blue patterned boxers around the ankles of what appeared to be a man’s shoes. In addition, the woman reported hearing some moaning noises and the sound of someone masturbating. She asked another associate to confirm that the sounds were, indeed, fappish in nature. The second associate confirmed the first associate’s suspicions and alerted store security.

Enter store security…an off-duty police officer. She, too, heard the moanin’ and fappin’ and noticed the boxer laden ankles behind the stall door. She peeked through a crack in the door and could see a male sitting on the toilet, but couldn’t tell exactly what said male was up to in there.…

PALM BAY, Fla. — Police say a woman originally from Saudi Arabia has been charged with a hate crime after spitting on Walmart shoppers.

It all started on Sunday when 21-year-old Nuha Mohammed Al-Doaifi tried entering the store through the exit and struck the door with her shopping cart. Another shopper told her she was trying to get in through the wrong door and Al-Doafi responded by spitting in their face. She then went into the store with her 2-year-old son to continue shopping.

While in the store, she also did what a lot of us think of doing while in a Walmart and spat at another customer who got too close to her, but missed. Workers were notified and security called police. At first police were going to charge Al-Doafi with battery, but they gave that charge a hate crime spritzer after she allegedly told police her reason for spitting on people was because “Americans are pushing us around.” Now her charge could be elevated to a felony.…

ELYRIA, Ohio — Here’s a mother-daughter duo who fit right in with the Walmart stereotypes.  Police say a pregnant woman and her mother were arrested after one choked and the other threatened a 71-year-old Walmart greeter while leaving the store.

Elyria police say 49-year-old Toni Duncan was asked to show a receipt Saturday when leaving the store. This is standard practice at Walmart, at least the one in my area. Duncan reportedly responded by yelling racial slurs, pushing a cart into the greeter, and grabbing his throat and choking him.

Her daughter, 21-year-old Ashley Jackson, then allegedly threatened to blow up the store. She also indicated to the greeter that he would be dead once her boyfriend found out about the incident. Police say Jackson threatened to punch another employee who came to the greeter’s aid. All of this over being asked to show a receipt… now that’s classy.

When police arrived, the two were found in the parking lot with two small children. Duncan reportedly admitted to choking the greeter, but added that she wanted to press charges against the WalMart employees.…


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