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Alexandria MauerWESTLAKE, OH – Alexandria Mauer and Kenneth Gillespie were arrested this weekend after police found the classy duo tooling around town drunk and naked.

Police were called at 12:22 a.m. Saturday after the two were spotted standing naked outside their vehicle. The caller reported that the couple had returned to the car and driven away, running over a curb and across a lawn in the process.

Police found 24-year-old Mauer in the driver’s seat, naked, drunk, and holding a piece of pizza, while the passenger’s seat was occupied by 33-year-old Gillespie, who also was drunk and naked. He had an open beer between his feet. She’s facing a drunk driving charge; Gillespie is looking at disorderly conduct while intoxicated, open container, and public indecency charges.

Proving himself to be a bit of a cliché, Gillespie pissed in the back seat of the cruiser on the way to the police station.

Mauer was released to a family member but was found wandering down a road (partially dressed this time) after arguing with her ride, leading to yet another arrest and a disorderly conduct charge.…

Brenda SchumannVero Beach, FL – Brenda Schumann reportedly found her estranged husband in bed with his naked girlfriend and did what any scorned woman would do in the same circumstances; she took a shit on the kitchen floor.

According to police, late last month, Brenda Shumann, 51, barged into her soon-to-be-ex-husband’s bedroom at 2:30 am carrying a rifle and threatening to kill him and his lover.  Her husband was able to get the gun away from her.  Not to be defeated that easily, she then urinated on the carpet outside the bedroom then proceeded to the kitchen where she defecated on the floor.  She then found a second rifle and vandalized the house with it, smashing mirrors, pictures and Christmas decorations.

Her rage and her bowels finally empty, she vacated the premises, leaving the rifle behind.

Brenda was located at her nearby home later, resisted arrest, which almost never works, and is now charged with aggravated assault/domestic violence, battery and resisting arrest.

She is quoted as saying to her arresting deputies, “I found him in bed with a naked chick. …

PIEDMONT, OK — I don’t know if there is more going on with this story or Piedmont is so free from crime that the cops there have nothing to do — but one police officer issued a woman a $2500 ticket after her 3-year-old son took a leak in his own front yard.

Be sure to remind yourself that the following info is coming only from one side, but the mother of the boy says her toddler was in the front yard when he did what real men do and stopped what he was doing to take a piss in the front yard.

“Dillan pulled down his pants to pee outside, I guess, and the cop pulled up and asked for my license and told me he was going to give me a ticket for public urination,” said the boy’s mother, Ashley Warden. The boy’s grandmother said the officer didn’t care that the boy was 3-years-old, that it was still public urination.

They also say they live in a rural area on two-acres of land, but that this particular officer parks his car at the end of their street on a daily basis.…

Boulder, CO – Timothy Paez, 22, was arrested at Shooters Grill and Bar on Saturday after allegedly urinating on a woman who had previously rejected his advances.

Paez reportedly walked up to the victim at 11:45 PM and placed his arm around her.  The woman responded with one of only a handful of responses I can imagine, judging solely on the perpetrator’s mugshot: “Um, really?”  An imaginary witness I’ve fabricated allegedly heard her also say, “Beaner, por favor.”

Paez then seemed to indicate his defeat by removing his arm and walking away.  However, a short while later, she began to feel a warm liquid striking her leg.  Inexplicably believing the near-100-degree golden shower to be a spilled beer, she was shocked to find Paez with his chorizo out, urinating on her leg.

Kudos to Mr. Paez for going out on a limb and exploring the possibility that she just might be a water-sports enthusiast.

The gentleman’s action prompted bar employees to escort him outside and contact the police.  When officers arrived to question Paez, they reported that he seemed to admit to urinating on someone, but couldn’t say for sure who it was. …

Albuquerque, NM – New Mexico sheriff’s deputies have arrested a man suspected of impersonating a police officer in multiple jurisdictions around Albuquerque. This after reports of a self-described “undercover officer” making suspicious traffic stops and having an odd confrontation with some teenage boys.

Bernalillo County sheriff’s deputies reported arresting Joseph Hannah, 34, after two women reported separate incidents of being pulled over by a man in a black mustang – complete with flashing police lights.  The man, later identified as Hannah, reportedly showed the women his gun, told them he worked undercover, and then proceeded to flirt with them.

Investigators said that Hannah also stopped his Mustang – with activated lights – at an Albuquerque home where a group of teens were playing ball out front.

“He showed me a badge and a gun so I bought it,” said one of the boys, age 15, of Hannah’s claim to be a police officer.

The boy described the encounter with Hannah – who initially remained in his vehicle – as ‘light-hearted’ but then becoming ‘scary’ when Hannah became irritated.…

Folcroft, PA – Ray Woods, a 23-year-old suspected drug dealer from Philadelphia, was arrested on Friday after a routine traffic stop for a broken rear light on his vehicle.  Police report that they found some marijuana in the car during the stop.  That’s when it got a little ummm…hairy, or whatever.

Naturally, Woods was asked to step from the car upon the alleged discovery of the bag of contraband plant life.  While the officer was checking Woods’s person prior to placing him in the back of the cruiser, he reports that his detainee seemed to be sporting a Lou-Reed-on-the-cover-of-Transformer-type bulge in the front of his pants.

Now, I don’t know about you, but never, in all the times I’ve gone out gallivanting with a pair of tube stocks jammed into the front of my thong, has anyone shown a level of interest prompting anything but an extremely wide berth.  I guess I’ve never met the right cop.

After Woods took the opportunity to deny the stowage of any contraband in his pants, he was hauled off to the station. …

Palm Coast, FL – If, by chance, you were the individual who urinated in the pneumatic deposit tube of a Florida bank drive-thru, police would like to speak with you.

According to Flagler County Sheriffs deputies, last Wednesday morning a man pulled up to the RBC Bank drive-thru and asked if the bank sold money orders. The teller told him “no.” The man reportedly mumbled something about bad customer service and, after a short delay, drove away.

Not long after, another customer drove up to the drive-thru and retrieved the tube. The liquid contents of the tube – which the unsuspecting customer reported as smelling like urine – spilled out onto both her and her car.  At this point, you could safely say she was pissed.

It was reported that the bank employee who had spoken to the man  inspected the tube and ‘determined the liquid to be urine.’ His particular method of forensic analysis was not reported and, so, is left to the imagination.

An investigation is underway.…

Urine Trouble Julie Hubbard!

October 29, 2009 at 11:05 am by  

DeLand, Florida – When I was just a little Jaded, I wanted to grow up and become a cop. I dreamed of saving the world with my shiny gun and my big-ass flashlight. Now that I’m almost all grown up, I realize that I never would have made it past the first week – I would have had a run-in with the likes of the lovely Julie Hubbard and I would have totally lost my shit. The arrest report would have read, “The cracked bitch spit on my leg, and that’s when I pulled out my big-ass flashlight and lit up her insides. The end.” Julie turned what could have been a simple ticket and a fine into a sputum flinging, name calling, law enforcement officer threatening, clusterfuck. …

Salt Lake City, UT – What on earth would possess a couple of grown ass men to knock the crap out of their elderly grandmother? A grandmother, who I’m sure, is supporting their loser asses? A couple of thug wannabe’s, the Hansen brothers, that’s who. Here we have Michael, 20, and Christopher, 22 — both live with their grandma and both are accused of not only beating up their grandmother, but pissing on her afterward. Really guys, what the fuck? It takes two of you to take down one 66-year-old lady? And, while she’s in the shower, no less. Authorities believe the whole thing started when Christopher forced his way into the bathroom… …

Urine Big Trouble Now, Thomas Schultz

July 1, 2009 at 10:09 am by  

Sheboygan, WisconsinIt all started in July 2007, when a woman, who I will dub Ms. X, discovered she had been the victim of a rather disgusting intruder. What tipped her off? Well, someone had pawed through the frillies in her underwear drawer, and, more disturbingly, someone had urinated on several items of clothing in her hamper. She reported her discovery to the police. In September of that same year, Ms. X contacted authorities again after she happened upon even more defiled clothing in her home. This time, the intruder had the audacity to walk across her freshly-vacuumed carpet, leaving his footprints behind. Another phone call to police in November 2008 – Ms. X told police that as she was walking in the back door of her home, she heard someone exiting through the front door. Unfortunately, she didn’t see who it was. …


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