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P. Simon JamrozikUpper Darby, PA – An Upper Darby man is behind bars for allegedly luring a 12-year-old boy into his home and tickling the child’s feet. Among other weird stuff…

According to police, the boy was walking home from school Monday, when the alleged tickler, 63-year-old P. “Pat” Simon Jamrozik, told the boy to go inside the home he shared with his sister.

Once inside the home, Jamrozik reportedly demanded the boy remove his socks and shoes and lay on the couch. He then sprayed the boy’s feet with some sort of anti-fungal crap and started in with the rubbin’ and the tickling. This, police say, was done as Jamrozik massaged his own package.

After he’d had his fill of that nasty business, Jamrozik directed the boy to lay down on the kitchen table and lift his shirt so he could perform an ear, nose and throat exam.

“He started feeling the boy’s back, chest and stomach with his hand and used a stethoscope to listen to his heart,” reported Police Superintendent Michael Chitwood. …

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Upper Darby, PA — Kirstie Foley, 21, has been dubbed a “domestic cannibal” by police in Upper Darby after allegedly attacking her mother early this week, biting the woman several times.

Foley and her 42-year-old mother were apparently arguing in the apartment they share late Saturday, when the lovely lass got all kinds of chompy and stuff, biting the older woman multiple times on the legs and hands as she bathed.

Police say part of mom’s thumb was bitten off in the altercation and has yet to be recovered.

“It’s domestic cannibalism,” said police Superintendent Michael Chitwood. “We never found the tip of the finger. We don’t know whether she ate it or swallowed it. Totally out of control. We don’t know if she was high on drugs or what.”

According to Chitwood, Foley damn near bit completely through web of her mother’s hand between the thumb and index finger.

She almost took off the thumb,” he said. “Nasty.”

Foley apparently fled the apartment shortly after the alleged attack and was found cowering at her sister’s home on Wednesday.…

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