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Robert Parker JrFarmington, ME — Meet 43 year old Robert Parker Jr., the man with a face I dearly want to punch with some especially nasty brass knuckles. If his face alone doesn’t inspire the same in you, allow me to add some details that will surely push you there, if not further.

On September 25, 2013, Mr. Please-Throat-Punch-Me-Repeatedly, was arrested two days after Deputy Kevin Hartley of the Franklin County Sheriff’s Department, was sent to investigate a complaint regarding his handing out cigarettes to two girls under the age of 15. (Can you say, “grooming”? I bet you can!) One source indicates that he forced each of the girls to smoke around 50 cigarettes, which just seems like a waste of cigarettes to me.

After being arraigned, he was released on a pretrial contract that same day. I bet he was really relieved, but not for long.

The following day, Deputy Hartley received a new complaint. The ever charming Mr. Parker was apparently sending some rather impolite messages to the family of one of the girls involved in the cigarette charges, threatening to kill her if she told anyone about his disgusting, pervy ways.…

Valerie NileRockland, ME — A 44-year-old woman was jailed earlier this week after she allegedly threatened a neighbor with several knives because he and his roommate refused her request for a ménage à trois.

According to the police report, Valerie Nile was hanging out at her neighbor’s trailer, drinking, when the discussion took a turn for the dirty.

Two of the three needed for a threesome must have sobered up a bit because it didn’t happen.

This displeased Valerie. Police say it was then that she walked into the neighbor’s kitchen and armed herself with three knives – she slipped a large kitchen knife into her waistband, and stashed two smaller knives in her socks. Then, she apparently started yelling, threatening, terrorizing and stuff.

In fear for his life, the victim, 56-year-old Edward Sabatino, beat feet out of the trailer and called 911.

When officers arrived on scene, they found Sabatino’s female roommate, 30-year-old Shanna Chickering, snoozing on the couch. When questioned about the knives and the threats and the other craziness, she stated that she did not witness the incident because she was, like, asleep.…

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