LONDON – We’ve all been there, right? Kind of bored with nothing to do when you decide to shove a vibrator up your ass? Lord knows I have. I usually do this with reckless abandon, using a “butter churning” technique I’ve perfected.
I may ease up a bit, though, especially after reading about what happened to 50-year-old Nigel Willis. Diabetic, jobless, and living with his elderly mother, Willis inserted a dildo up his ass last December. No harm, no foul – at first.
Willis’ problems began when he found he wasn’t able to remove the sex toy. Embarrassed, the man decided not to seek medical attention and remained on a couch with the toy up his butt for five days.
It’s not like we haven’t heard of this before. There was a recent story making the rounds regarding a woman who lost a sex toy in her vag for ten years. Unfortunately for Willis, the toy had perforated his bowel and he was suffering from septic shock.
After days of feeling dizzy, weak and unable to move from the couch, a neighbor convinced him to call for help.…Continue Reading
STLOUIS, MO – A father in Missouri has been accused of posting an online ad looking for someone to help beat and rape his 11-year-old daughter.
Police were notified about the ad and had an undercover officer make contact with 32-year-old Anthony Brinkman. Beleiving he was talking with a 27-year-old female with an interest in books, walks on the beach, and pedophilia, Brinkman told her he wanted her to be his girlfriend and to help him sexually assault his daughter.
The undercover officer and Brinkman agreed to meet at a Cracker Barrel restaurant and, if they all got along, return to Brinkman’s home and rape his daughter with sex toys. Personally, I prefer another cup of coffee after a Momma’s Pancake Breakfast.
Investigators didn’t think Brinkman would actually show up, but to their surprise, Brinkman arrived and had brought his daughter along with him.
“It’s just a lot of talk for most of these guys, but this guy actually brought (the girl) to the scene to go ahead with the next step of enacting it,” said St.…Continue Reading
Mom Tells Police That Sex Toy Found During Child Abuse Investigation Is For ’15-Year-Old Girlfriend’March 10, 2012 at 10:17 am by kniption
During that visit, police asked Guadalupe’s daughter to show them a belt that the child had claimed Guadalupe had used to hit both her and her brother.
According to a criminal complaint filed in the case, the child went to a closet to retrieve the belt and – upon opening it – ‘reared back’ and told the officer she had seen “something disgusting.”
Inside the closet, police describe finding a sex toy. When police asked Guadalupe about the device, she reportedly told them that ‘she used it with her 15-year-old girlfriend.’
Bzzzzzzzzzt. Wrong answer.
According to court documents, Police immediately contacted the Lackawanna County district attorney’s office and were advised to pursue an arrest warrant against Guadalupe for statutory sexual assault.
Guadalupe granted officers written permission to search her home. The sex toy – along with the packaging from several other sex toys that she said she used with her girlfriend – were reportedly taken into evidence.…Continue Reading
In case you had forgotten, last month we told you all about a man who walked into the Romantix Pleasure Palace and pulled out a large hunting knife on the clerk working behind the counter. The terrified clerk jumped the counter and ran to a nearby convenience store for help.
The suspect gave a brief chase before turning back and stealing a $250 sex toy called the Fuck Me Silly. This “mega masturbator,” put out by Pipedream Products, is nothing but 20 pounds of dat ass — described as “the most realistic piece of ass you ever fucked…Slap that big round ass and listen to the whack…it sounds and feels just like a real ass!”
You can check out the product, in all its NSFW glory, by clicking here. I was on the fence about getting one until I read that they’ve “made the pussy and ass openings deeper than previous models.” Sold!…Continue Reading
Early Thursday morning, a man walked into the Romantix Pleasure Palace (which, coincidentally, is what I have painted on the side of my windowless van) and made small talk with the female clerk working the counter.
The man then pulled out a large a hunting knife and tried to enter the employee area behind the counter while the clerk jumped the counter and ran out of the store to a nearby convenience store. The suspect chased after the clerk for a short distance before turning back and stealing some items from the store.
By time police arrived, the man had already left the scene with his prize, a $250 dollar sex doll. Initial news reports said the doll was worth $1800, but they were incorrect.
Police are looking for a 5-foot-8 to 5-foot-10, 165-pound man who was wearing a black coat and a scarf over his face, toting a backpack and an erection.…Continue Reading
Police say that Monroe pulled her car curbside in front of a bar just before midnight on December 14. She reportedly asked a 25-year-old woman who was smoking in front of the bar for a light. When the victim leaned into the Monroe’s vehicle to provide the requested light, Monroe was reported to have ‘grabbed the purse off [the victim's] arm and driven off.’
As one might imagine, this theft was not as smooth as that homogenized description might suggest. The victim was, in fact, dragged down the street, Joliet police said. The victim also suffered a chipped tooth during the heist.
After the incident was reported, police soon discovered that one of the victim’s credit cards was then used to pay for gasoline at a nearby gas station. Police reviewed surveillance video and recognized the woman buying the gas as Monroe.…Continue Reading
Bonita Springs, FL - A man in Florida is in jail facing battery charges for allegedly beating up his girlfriend after she woke him up playing with a sex toy in bed.
Police were called to the home of 53-year-old Jeffery Bowers where they found his girlfriend in the front yard sporting a swollen eye and bruises on her arm. She told police that Bowers had kicked her in the face, dragged her through the home and locked her out of the house.
Bowers’ side of the story was a little different. He said he had brought his girlfriend over so she could make him something to eat. Later that night he was awakened by the sound of his girlfriend playing with a sex toy. He asked her to stop so he could sleep and then asked her to retrieve his cigarettes off the front porch. When she walked outside to get them, he locked the door behind her.
I’m not excusing the guy if he did indeed beat this woman, but I have to admit that bringing a girl over to fix dinner, then having sex with her before locking her out of the house sounds a lot like a Morbid date night.…Continue Reading
Dunsmuir, CA – A woman in California is suing a sex toy manufacturer claiming that she had to go to the hospital after one of their products turned her vagina into mush.
April Bonjour claims that she and her boyfriend were using a dildo from Pipedream Products during foreplay when she felt an “intense sharp” pain in her vagina. When her boyfriend withdrew the sex toy, it was covered in blood.
She initially thought she had started her period, but a box of sanitary pads and a few blood clots later, she realized it was something serious. When the bleeding would not stop, her boyfriend called 911. By the time paramedics arrived, Bonjour claims she was slipping in and out of consciousness and was given several pints of blood once at the hospital.
She filed a claim against the company after she contacted them about her experience with their product and wanted monetary compensation. Pipedream Products denied her claim. I can’t say I blame them as it sounds less like Bonjour was using one of their products and more like Bonjour had a miscarriage or her boyfriend was stabbing her vagina with a serrated knife.…Continue Reading
Brownhelm Township, OH - Around 2 a.m. Monday morning, a man crashed a stolen semi into an adult store to swipe a $800 sex toy.
After the smash-and-grab, the perpetrator was found by police, still in the truck. The man successfully eluded capture after jumping out and fleeing the scene. He has likely had an awesome week seeing as the toy was no where to be found.
The toy itself is described as a ‘life-size masturbator’ with ‘legs, buttocks and female genitalia.’ Other selling points not included on the box are ‘will not make you go apple-picking on Sunday’ and ‘will not make discouraging comments about the size of your wallet and/or penis.’
It’s also not the first time this store has went through this. Last year, a man drove a car into their store and stole a similar, yet less expensive toy.
The following news report is easily one of the most unprofessional pieces of ‘journalism’ I have ever witnessed in my life. Aside from the hysterical and witty ‘sex drive’ graphic that looks like it was made by a Saved by the Bell fan, you’ll notice that bloated douche, Harry Boomer, stoops to name-calling almost immediately and continues relentlessly throughout the story.…Continue Reading
Cleveland, OH — A 49 year-old man was discovered dead by a teenage employee on Sunday, and the cause of death is believed to be ‘asphyxia due to airway obstruction by foreign body’ as a result of a little heavy bondage. This one gives all the ‘Cousin Walter’ stories from Kevin Smith’s movies a run for their money.
First, a little bit on our ‘victim’, Sam Mazzola. Mazzola
is was the owner of several exotic animals, the most notable of which were bears. He used the bears for different types of shows, including one where people could pay to wrestle bears. Thinking about that for a second, I don’t see paying to wrestle bears. I’d wrestle a bear under three conditions: first, that I was being paid in hot naked chicks; second, that the bear was retarded; and third, that I could do it with bullets. Mazzola’s biggest claim to fame, though, occurred last year when one of his employees was mauled to death by a bear that decided the 24 year-old man looked more yummy than lunch during a routine feeding.…
New London, CT — Registered sex offender Gary Germaine, 54, was arrested and charged with two counts of risk of injury to a minor and one count of second-degree breach of peace Thursday evening after police received a complaint of a man exposing himself at a ShopRite grocery store. Police officers caught up with the alleged exposer as he was attempting to leave the parking lot. Once they had their guy collared, a search of the vehicle revealed a “rubber sex toy that resembled male genitalia, a ‘jock’ strap/athletic supporter and a zucchini wrapped in duct tape.” According to police, surveillance video from the store shows Germaine placing those items inside his sweatpants and confronting other shoppers. Personally, after I recovered from laughing my ass off, I would have whipped out the cell phone and started clicking – that kind of shit would make for an awesome Facebook post. Apparently, though, there were a few kids around when Germaine was brandishing his produce and some people got all kinds of offended.…Continue Reading
Gurnee, IL – The lovely lass to the left is 56-year-old Carolee Bildsten. She’s been charged with one misdemeanor count each of aggravated assault and theft of services and also faces an ordinance violation for pedestrian under the influence. According to police, Bildsten, apparently intoxicated, skipped out on her tab at Joe’s Crab Shack and shuffled her drunken ass home Tuesday evening. An officer went to Bildsten’s residence to investigate the unpaid tab and, at some point during the discussion, was reportedly assaulted with what Gurnee police Commander Jay Patrick called “a rigid feminine pleasure device.” Now, depending on which article you choose to read, Ms. Bildsten here either physically assaulted the police officer with a rigid feminine pleasure device, or threatened to assault the police officer with a rigid feminine pleasure device…either way, there’s a dildo involved and you know I can’t pass that shit up! Anyway, the officer escaped injury and Bildsten was placed under arrest. She has already been released on a personal recognizance bond and issued a court date.…Continue Reading
Cincinnati – After a bored cop pulled over a 2008 Pontiac in Cincinnati to site them for having tint on their windows that was too dark, he smelled something fishy. Turns out that the driver, 36-year-old Colondra Hamilton, was sitting in the car with her pants unzipped and a sex toy resting in her lap. When asked why was she driving partially undressed with a sex toy in her lap she told the officer that she was using the toy to masturbate while the passenger played a porno on the laptop they were holding. She was arrested and charged with a misdemeanor count of driving with impaired alertness, having illegally tinted windows and possession of drug paraphernalia stemming from a piece of a crack pipe found in her purse. Officer Gilbert, who may have prevented a major clitastrophe, admitted this was an unusual traffic stop for him. “This is a first for me,” he said.…Continue Reading
Treasure Island, Florida A place where those promoting tourism promise you a “quiet, laid back” atmosphere and the white sand beaches stretched along the Gulf Coast are truly lovely. There’s never a shortage of entertainment as bars and eateries along these resort towns are generally bustling with activities and live bands. One can find about anything they need in communities such as these. Tattoo parlors, surf and swimwear, souvenir shops on top of each other. Everything you need but sex toys. Last year in Southern Alabama, owners of these sex-toy stores were throwing a fit because their establishments were being shut down left and right. The store owners were adamant about the the health value of their products and were finding clever ways to justify their existence. As much as I realize customer testimonials are a huge part of promotion and advertisement, somehow I doubt they’ll be looking to Kimberly Calvert and her pink companion.…Continue Reading