Me and the kid got to thinking about what we could do this year to celebrate HalloweenHalloween reviews aside from the sacrificing, and decided on just having a horror movie marathon. The films would all be horror and would all be movies he has not yet seen. So before any of you start yelling “What about this movie or that movie?” it’s probably not on the list because he is my kid – and he has already seen it. The catch? Can we watch them all without moving from the couch. Read on to see the list of films we have chosen, and the setup we have constructed consisting of the couch, a cooler, coffee maker, computers and a microwave. All strategically placed so that we do not have to leave the front of the television aside from bathroom breaks — which we also tried to find ways out of but ultimately decided pissing in a 2-liter\shitting in a bucket are acts we would only feel comfortable doing in front of each other if we were trapped in a car buried in a snowbank. But beyond that, I think we are set. 2o+ hours of straight horror movie bliss. Maybe. [Read more...]

Just doing a little brain bleach and figured I’d take a break from all the murderin’ and such and post a movie trailer or two that checked out today. Starting with the remake of George Romero’s 1973 horror film, The CraziesThe Crazies reviews. In the remake, a small Iowa town’s citizens must deal with their friends, family and neighbors suddenly going insane after a mysterious toxin contaminates their water supply. The film will be directed by Breck Eisner, the man directing the upcoming Flash GordonFlash Gordon reviews and CreatureCreature reviews from the Black Lagoon flicks. Check out the trailer and let me know what you think. Personally, I never really liked the original, but whatever. [Read more...]

The world’s human population has been infected with a human version of mad cow disease. Anyone afflicted with this particular ailment is rendered a crazed zombie hell-bent on nothing but feasting on the flesh of anyone not suffering the effects of the virus. Columbus has survived the initial onslaught by following 47 rules of zombie survival and is now making his way towards his parents to see if they have survived as well. As he navigates the urban wasteland he teams up with a Dale Earnhardt loving redneck named Tallahassee. Traveling alone like Columbus, he has an uncanny knack for dispatching zombies and a real strong hankerin’ for a creme filled Twinkie. They decide to try and partner up for a bit and see how it works out and for a while, it’s smooth sailing for the odd couple. That is until they meet Wichita and Little Rock, two crafty sisters making their way towards Pacific Playland amusement park – rumored to be a zombie free zone. Against all of their better judgment these vagabonds join forces and must decide if trusting and depending on each other is worth abandoning the rules that have kept them alive this long. [Read more...]

The trailer for the latest classic horror icon to get the reboot treatment has finally arrived, and it doesn’t look too bad. Fans of the Nightmare series are hemming and hawing over Robert Englund not being the actor adorning the green-and-red striped sweater, fedora and legendary glove but personally I don’t care too much one way or the other. I think Jackie Earle Haley will do a fine job. However, this is Platinum Dunes we are talking about and they hare responsible for rebooting\remaking other horror franchises like Texas Chainsaw MassacreThe Texas Chainsaw Massacre reviews, Amityville Horror, The HitcherThe Hitcher reviews and Friday the 13thFriday the 13th reviews. I thought they all stunk. Not because I am against remakes or feel they take away from the originals as in some cases remakes are damn good (The ThingThe Thing reviews, Hills Have EyesThe Hills Have Eyes reviews, The FlyThe Fly reviews, Dawn of the DeadDawn of the Dead (2004) reviews anyone?), but simply because these movies were God-awful pieces of shit.  So no matter how decent the following trailer looks, I just cannot shake the feeling that like their previous entries, this movie end up sucking ass. [Read more...]

John’s uncle passed away recently, leaving him with a large chunk of land that him and his friends plan to use for a few days of camping and pig hunting. But their weekend of booze, boar and guns gets ruined rather quickly – and not just because John tainted the testosterone-laden circle jerk by bringing his hot girlfriend along with them. The further they get into the woods in hunt of their elusive prey, they find that there are a lot of really strange things in these neck of the woods. Along with the unpredictable, country-fried Tibbs brothers the hunting party also run into mutilated emus, homicidal rednecks, marijuana fields, naked Hippie Cult Girls with their machete wielding leader, and the local legend -a 3000 lb, man-eating black boar named The Ripper. Check out the trailer and my thoughts after the jump [Read more...]

Many films register as forgettable. WhiteoutWhiteout reviews is practically the definition of the word, not actually requiring a viewing to sense a distinct worthlessness to this cinematic endeavor. Purportedly based on a beloved 1998 graphic novel, this AntarcticAntarctic reviews thriller is a dreadful sleeping pill, marching into production with the best intentions in the world, but coming out the other side a jumbled, incompetent, ludicrously underlined whodunit. Stationed on a remote base on Antarctica, U.S. Marshall Carrie Stetko (Kate Beckinsale, failing to hide her embarrassment) is looking forward to her last days patrolling a frozen wasteland. Riding out her final moments of duty with friends (Ton Skerritt, Columbus Short), dreaming of a warmer future, CarrieCarrie reviews is instead pulled into a last-minute murder investigation when a body is discovered out in the middle of nowhere. [Read more...]

Brad and Abby, a wealthy couple living in ManhattanManhattan reviews, can only watch in despair as their happy family begins to disintegrating around them soon after the arrival of their second child, EmilyEmily reviews. What was to be a happy occasion for the family has turned into a living nightmare as Abby sinks into a delusional depression brought on by becoming the owner of a brand new, colicky baby. Brad tries to hold down the fort and put on a good face at home and at work, thinking things will correct themselves on their own over time.  The only person that seems to be weathering the storm with no ill effects is their 9-year-old son JoshuaJoshua reviews, a piano playing prodigy and mature well beyond his years. As one setback after another hits the family in quick succession, the stress begins wearing Brad down both physically and mentally, and he begins to suspect that everything happening is not bad luck but rather the direct result of an insidious plan orchestrated by Joshua himself. [Read more...]

The CollectorThe Collector reviews is a serial killer with a rather interesting hobby. Taking notes from ManhunterManhunter reviews’s Tooth Fairy and a bit of Pulp Fiction’sPulp Fiction reviews GimpGIMP, he imprisons families in their homes, aided with a series of meticulous booby traps. Once the family has been secured he begins to torture them to death, keeping only one of them for reasons only known to him. But unfortunately for The Collector, the family he is currently visiting has received another uninvited, late night guest. He is a burglar equipped with a conscious. He has broken into the home in hopes of a big score but instead finds himself trapped inside and embroiled in a life-or-death game of cat and mouse with a masked murderer, as he tries to escape the home and save the family in the process. [Read more...]

Four college students are on a road trip documenting the cultural history of rural areas. After three days of travelling backroads, they have grown bored with fields, covered bridges and large balls of twine. They want something juicy and adventurous for their project and end up finding it in the backwoods, Ozark Mountain town of Shiloh. They have been informed of the town’s local legend, a place deep in the woods called the Albino FarmAlbino Farm reviews that is rumored to contain a regular cornucopia of mutants and sideshow freaks. It’s all just tall tales of course, stories dreamed up by locals to scare the children. But with no real material for their project, these four geniuses decide they should look into the legitimacy of the Albino Farm by finding the location of this remote, mutant farm in the woods and, you know, investigate it. At night. If the synopsis to this piece of shit sounds remotely interesting, by all means, read on. If not, no worries. the film is as bad as it sounds. [Read more...]

A family is on the mends after suffering the mental anguish of a stillborn baby. After coming through the event a bit battle scarred, Kate and John Coleman decide that it is time for them to devote the love they were to give the daughter that died in the womb, to another little girl who they feel deserves it. After shopping around the local orphanage, they settle on a strange little girl named Esther. Polite, articulate, and extremely mature for her age – Esther is different from her peers and the couple feel she would fit in perfect with them and their two kids. But quicker than you can say The Good Son, Esther’s true colors begin to show as she begins acting out a devious plan, a plan that begins with the dismantling of her new family. [Read more...]

Craving a Japanese horror, sci-fi love story? Who isn’t? Well Yûdai Yamaguchi and Jun’ichi Yamamoto’s Meatball Machine should stifle those cravings, even if its just for a little bit. It’s quite splatastic, involving alien parasites who use human bodies as their own personal battle stations, turning their hosts into bio-mechanical messes called Necroborgs. If you are one of the unlucky individuals who has one of these aliens enter your body, you find yourself completely at the mercy of your invader as you are forced to track down other Necroborg’s and engage in battles to the bloody death. The weapons used vary, but in every case these weapons are built out of you – the alien using advanced technology to transform your flesh into a variety of weapons. [Read more...]

Kate (Franka Potente) has just left one party to head for another late-nighter rumored to have George Cloony in attendance. Unable to hail a cab quick enough, she opts for the subway and with a little time left before her train arrives, she sits on a bench and promptly falls asleep. When she wakes up, she finds that not only has she missed her train, she is also alone and locked in. As she contemplates what to do next, an empty train shows up, which she immediately boards. Her relief at not having to spend the night on a subway platform is quickly replaced by terror when she realizes she is being stalked. Not by the guy who has followed her from the party with a bit of cocaine in his nose and rape on his mind, but rather something much, much worse. [Read more...]

David and Peter are two bickering brothers in the need for some quick cash. They develop a scheme that involves kidnapping the step-daughter of a shady strip club owner with possible mob connections. The plan, if all goes correctly, is for them to abduct the girl, take her to a remote cottage in the country and hold her for ransom. Simple. But things normally never go exactly as planned, and the brothers find this out the hard way. They will also find out just how bad a well planned crime cang et (and how quickly) starting when their abducted girl turns out to be quite aggressive and not too happy about her situation. Before the night is over,everything that could possibly go wrong for the brothers will. Then it will get worse. Then the mutant, homicidal farmer shows up. It’s gonna be a long night. [Read more...]

Within the first minutes of Who Saw Her Die?, A young girl is murdered at the hands of an unidentifiable woman dressed in black with a veil covering her face. Flash forward four years and we see the young Roberta (Nicoletta Elmi of Baron Blood and Deep Red fame) arriving from LondonLondon reviews to visit her father, Franco (George Lazenby), a local sculptor. Eventually, she too is stalked by a veiled woman dressed in black and subsequently murdered, her body found floating in the canal. After learning their daughter may be the victim of an active serial killer, Franco and his estranged wife, ElizabethElizabeth reviews (Anita Strindberg), begin their own investigation. What they uncover is a conspiracy involving the upper echelon of Venice, and a killer who has a taste for young red-heads who has begun removing anyone making attempts at revealing their identity. [Read more...]