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El Segundo, Calif. — A California pedophile is probably sweating bullets at the moment after being caught masturbating while watching a toddler playing in a kiddie pool at an apartment complex.

On Saturday, a woman used her cellphone to get a picture the man as he jacked-off while watching the toddler through a hole in a fence.

He’s described as a Caucasian man in his 30s, medium build, with short brown hair and wearing a black t-shirt and blue jeans.

Police would really, really like to talk with this idiot, so if  you have any information on him, contact the El Segundo Police Department at (310) 524-2284.…

Chilliwack — As you can imagine, we get a lot of spam. So when I saw someone had used our Contact Form with the subject “jacking off to me” I figured someone had gotten through our spam filter. Since I am a sucker for a “jacking off to me” subject line, I checked it out.

Surprisingly, it was actually from one of our Canadian fans. They told a quick story about waking up to find a man standing in her room jacking off while staring at her. When she inquired as to why he was masturbating while watching her sleep, he replied that he wanted to “cum on her face” before leaving out the back door.

At first I thought this person was just coming on to me with some sleepy-time facial erotica, but a day or so later she responded back with an actual news article of the incident. Since we love our fans, and Canadians, we felt it was our duty to post about them almost having a stranger cum on her face while she slept.…

Cheadle, UK – Nicholas Read, 40, who had been convicted of indecent exposure last month, was given a 20-week jail term as punishment.  It was then suspended by the UK court official who stated that jail ‘would not help him.’

Read is an actor who, up until this incident, was best known for his work in the Harry Potter and Star Wars films – having played both a Gringotts goblin and an Ewok warrior.  The life of an Ewok warrior is understandably hard.  Sadly, this Ewok warrior’s fall from grace was evident by his conviction for mastubating under a bowler hat while traveling on a UK passenger train last October.

On that fateful day, Read was reportedly traveling between London and Leicester by train.  Court documents say that Read seated himself in an aisle seat next to a teenage girl at the window.  Read was convicted for covering his lap with his bowler hat and stroking his mini-mini-me for “30 to 40 minutes” while effectively “trapping” his victim.

Inspector Mark Clements of British Transport Police said, “Read’s actions were deplorable.  …

Ukiah, CA – Clarence Christmas, 39, was arrested after police reportedly found him in the corner of a Curves Fitness Center, nude from the waist down, and masturbating.

Police were responding to a call from a Curves employee expressing how much they had not liked Christmas showing up unannounced and fapping his junk for all to see.

The Curves employee had originally told Christmas to leave or she would call police, but instead he grabbed her by the shoulder, police said.  According to police, Christmas ‘grabbed her buttocks’ when she turned away to get a phone to call police. He also is accused of touching a Curves patron while masturbating, police said.

You may be surprised to learn that this is not Chistimas’ first offense.  Christmas had been arrested in May 2010 when he was found without pants or underwear masturbating while watching a California Department of Corrections crew eradicating weeds and brush along the railroad tracks in Ukiah, police said.

For that incident, he was arrested for indecent exposure, possession of a methamphetamine smoking pipe and parole violation. …

Indianapolis, IN — A man caught fappin’ in the ladies’ room at an Indianapolis WalMart reportedly told store security he “had a sex problem” and went into the bathroom “to look at the women” while masturbating.

20-year-old Brandon Jelks was busted after a woman visiting the facility told a store employee she believed there was a man in one of the stalls. The employee then peered under one of the stall doors and spotted a pair of blue patterned boxers around the ankles of what appeared to be a man’s shoes. In addition, the woman reported hearing some moaning noises and the sound of someone masturbating. She asked another associate to confirm that the sounds were, indeed, fappish in nature. The second associate confirmed the first associate’s suspicions and alerted store security.

Enter store security…an off-duty police officer. She, too, heard the moanin’ and fappin’ and noticed the boxer laden ankles behind the stall door. She peeked through a crack in the door and could see a male sitting on the toilet, but couldn’t tell exactly what said male was up to in there.…

Bronx, NY — A Bronx man has found himself in a sticky situation after DNA he submitted for a drug-related arrest came back matching that of a serial subway spanker.

The aptly-named Darnell Hardware, 26, was arrested in June of last year on drug charges and submitted a DNA sample. When it was checked against the state’s data base, it matched samples taken from three separate incidents, dating back almost ten years, in which a man painted female subway passengers with his cock-puke. The victims, ranging in age from 17-24 (at the times of the incidents) had come forward with the leftovers, saying that a man had rubbed up against them, masturbated and ejaculated on them… all three on packed subway cars where they say they couldn’t escape.

I would like to take this opportunity to call bullshit on every subway passenger in New York who stands idly by while some creep shoots jizz all over a poor young girl. If there were more stories that matched the word ‘vigilante’, I could stop googling ‘semen’ and ‘assault’.…

Oregon City, OR — After receiving a series of complaints from women in an Oregon City apartment complex over the past few months, police have apprehended a man they believe to be a serial peeper.

On April 10, police responded to the complex after receiving a report of a man masturbating outside of a woman’s apartment window. The man fled before police arrived and the woman was unable to provide a decent description of the alleged wanker because he was wearing a hooded sweatshirt at the time.

Officers returned to the complex earlier this month after receiving yet another report of the pervy peeper. Police say the woman in that instance was so traumatized by the event that she trembled and shook as she spoke with them.

And just this week, police were summoned to the apartment once again. This time, though, they caught the johnson juggler red-handed….

Anthony Johnson was spotted by officers as he was peering into a woman’s window late Wednesday night. He tried to beat a hasty retreat, but surrendered when he realized he was surrounded by Oregon City’s finest.…

Denver, CO – Kyle Pearce was featured on the front page of D’D for his being detained and subsequently convicted of pleasuring himself while on a flight from Spokane to Denver ‘to the point of ejaculation.’ Pearce pleaded guilty to federal indecency charges leading to a short stint in jail and release to a halfway house. Due to his antics, though, Pearce has reportedly been kicked out of the halfway house and it looks like he is headed back to jail.

Kyle, Kyle, Kyle…

Garret Pfalmer, a federal probation officer in Denver, filed paperwork describing complaints from from the Independence House halfway house where Pearce had been assigned. The U.S. Attorney’s Office has responded by asking that the court revoke Pearce’s probation and send him back to jail.

Pearce’s antics reportedly include leaving without permission, getting into “physical altercations” with other residents, “associating with female residents,” and “abusing his medications” or “providing them to other residents.” He was also caught apparently trying to convince a hospital that he was prescribed narcotics as well as “attempting to steal needles, syringes, and alcohol pads from a supply cart.”

Pearce seems intent on ignoring societal rules or norms.…

San Diego, CA — For days, drivers on one San Diego roadway have been subjected to the presence of a sometimes naked and sometimes masturbating man. Police, convinced that commuters were not driving in a provocative manner, issued a warning about the man with a description. He was described as a white man, between 16-24 years old, 5′ 9″, medium to thin weight, with brown shoulder length possibly bushy hair.

Authorities followed up quickly with a stakeout. That stakeout proved fruitful when, only one day later, undercover detectives saw 19-year-old Kevin Garrison take off his clothes on an embankment overlooking Del Mar Heights Boulevard.

“As they went to contact him, a foot pursuit ensued. He ran onto Ginger Glen. The officers lost sight of him. We set up a perimeter and did a yard to yard search,” said Lt. Todd Jarvis.

The search included many officers on foot interviewing neighbors and securing yards while a police helicopter was flying and observing from overhead. Police then got a break when it was discovered that Garrison cut himself during the foot chase.…

Denver, CO — Kyle Pearce, 25, of Florida was arrested by FBI agents at Denver International Airport when his United Airlines flight from Spokane landed. The charges result from complaints by fellow passengers about him openly masturbating – and ejaculating – while seated during the flight.

One of the witnesses was an 18-year-old woman seated in the row across from Pearce.

“I heard a noise and looked over and saw his penis,” she stated in the crimninal complaint. “He ejaculated and got some on the seat. Then he went to the bathroom for a long time.”

According to the criminal complaint, two male passengers sitting behind Pearce also witnessed the event. In the affidavit, one of the men recalled his friend turning to him to say “That man is masturbating.” One of those witnesses reportedly hit Pearce in the arm with a book, causing the man to cease and desist with the fapping.

Pearce was charged with making an “obscene and indecent exposure of his person” on an aircraft.…

Port St. Lucie, FL — Michael Kirk was arrested Wednesday after police say three witnesses reported seeing him floggin’ his log in his SUV near school bus stops on multiple occasions between late February and this month.

When questioned, Kirk reportedly told police that yes, he does like to pleasure himself while driving, and yes, it was possible that someone may have seen him doing so.

Police say Kirk apologized for his lewd behavior, and to show how sorry he was, he penned an apology letter and asked investigators to give it to each of his victims because “he did not mean for anyone to see him masturbating in his vehicle.”

The 24-year-old wanker was booked on charges of loitering and three felony counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition. He currently behind bars on an $8,000 bond.…

Allentown, PA — A 61-year-old man accused of masturbating in front of a child is facing additional charges after police found a stash of child pornography inside his residence.

Police responded to John Kohler’s home earlier this week after receiving a report of an exposure in progress. Kohler was apparently seen standing on his porch “masturbating at a child” walking down the street.

When officers made contact with the alleged wanker and requested proof of identity, Kohler invited them into his apartment to wait while he retrieved it. Once inside, the officers reportedly found several very illegal photographs taped to the walls and Kohler’s headboard. Additional images were found on his computer and various videotapes and DVDs in the apartment.

Kohler later admitted to exposing himself to the child outside of his apartment. He’s currently behind bars on $750,000 bail, charged with 50 counts of possession of child pornography and one count each of indecent exposure and open lewdness.…

Minneapolis, MN — On March 17, a 53-year-old man cleverly disguised as an elementary school student boarded a school bus filled with real elementary school students and proceeded to make sweet, sweet love to one of the seats. Rawr.

After a month-long investigation, police have finally arrested the alleged seat sticker…his name is Michael Friedrichs and he’s a Level 3 predatory offender.

Police say it went a little something like this….

Friedrichs, who stands about 5’11” and weighs in at 187 pounds, boarded the bus that morning with a hooded sweatshirt pulled up over his head and a backpack shielding his face. The driver, who normally picked up a student at that stop, “did not think anything was out of the ordinary,” and continued on his route.

Friedrichs’ clever disguise may have fooled the bus driver, but one of the students on the bus wasn’t fooled…she later told police she recognized the man as an adult, but figured he was the bus driver’s friend. Give that kid a gold star for being observant.…

Tempe, AZ — Kevin Robert Theriault, 42, faces three charges of public sexual indecency and three charges of indecent exposure after he was apprehended masturbating in front of a woman wearing a Statue of Liberty costume.

The victim, an employee of Liberty Tax Service, is one of the costumed legion of Lady Liberties often seen on street corners waving enthusiastically to passers-by. Tempe police said that last Thursday, the woman reported that Theriault “waved back,” in a manner of speaking.

According to police, the victim was working on a regularly assigned street corner when Theriault struck. When filing the police report, she said that the same man had masturbated in front of her a total of three different times in past weeks. She had not reported these occurrances.

Police reportedly analyzed past cases and actually determined in advance that Theriault might be their perpetrator. Now, there’s a legacy for you.

Police also expected that the man might return on April 18 – Tax Day. Police set up surveillance at the same street corner where the woman would be working.…

Portland, OR – Tragedy struck when a teen was shot outside the Lloyd Center Mall in Northeast Portland Monday. Shiloh Hampton, 14, was shot in the head and stomach and died Wednesday as a result.

“Someone fired numerous rounds at the entire group. Shiloh was struck by the gunfire while the rest of the group fled from the area,” said Lt. Kelli Sheffer with the Portland Police. “None of the persons with Shiloh remained to talk with police.”

Police said that they think the shooters may have escaped in a white Mercedes. The perpetrators are still at large and police are hoping to receive help from the public to identify the shooter.

Wait… then who is the happy looking dude in the picture? Isn’t he the shooter? No, kids. Sadly, he is not.

The person pictured is Kevin Signalness, also of Portland. You see… according to Portland police, while they were securing the Lloyd Center Mall crime scene, Signalness drove through their crime scene tape in a stolen car. When police approached the vehicle, they reportedly found Signalness to be intoxicated.…

Barryton, MI — A man recently admitted to police that he’s masturbated in his parked van at local businesses as far back as last fall, and at least four times at a day care in recent weeks.

Police found 49-year-old Thomas Schroeder in the back of his minivan at the day care Tuesday, one hand on a laptop keyboard and his pants pulled down. Although Schroeder is not believed to be an amputee, there was only mention of one hand in the police report.

The Weidman-area day care had chased Schroeder away a few times before filing at least four official complaints since mid-March, said Sherman Township Marshal Bob Hooker.

“He would get out of his van and into the back and disappear for up to 90 minutes,” Hooker said. “That made them nervous.”

Police failed to catch the man after earlier complaints, so a stakeout was planned for Tuesday morning. Hooker watched the van with binoculars from a nearby parking lot and could see movement inside. When Hooker’s backup, Deputy Kevin Dush, arrived on scene, the chase was on.…

Aston, PA — Bobby Carter, 51, a registered sex offender from Leitchfield, KY., is facing charges in Pennsylvania after allegedly spooging on a woman’s butt as she browsed the cereal aisle at a Giant grocery store last month.

The 36-year-old victim told police she was shopping in the cereal aisle on March 2 when she felt “something” land on her backside. She reached around, finding the back of her pants to be wet with something she believed was semen. The pants were sent to the crime lab, where it was later confirmed that the substance on the pants was, indeed, semen. The hunt was on….

Police spotted the alleged shooter after reviewing the store’s surveillance tapes. They saw a white man in his 50’s parking his semi in the parking lot and making a beeline for the customer service desk to ask for directions. After that, he took a stroll through the store, following female customers while keeping his right hand hidden in his pocket. And though the surveillance video doesn’t show semen flying through the air, it does show Carter standing directly behind the woman as she wiped the seat of her pants.…

Smithville, MO — 19-year-old John Gallagher was charged with second-degree burglary this week after police say he unlawfully entered a Platte County high school and masturbated on underwear taken from various lockers.

According to authorities, two students reported chasing a strange dude dressed like a FedEx employee out of the boys’ locker room in the early morning hours of March 23.

One of the students later told police that he had found a used condom tied to his tennis shoe in his gym locker just two days before. The kid thought one of his friends was playing some sort of practical joke, so he didn’t report it at the time.

Surveillance video showed a person entering the school in the early morning hours on 11 different occasions between January 27 and March 23. Police say the individual entered the school through an unlocked window. Once inside, he headed straight for the boys’ locker room. The skeevy weirdo reportedly pawed through the lockers looking for underwear, which he would then place on the floor and masturbate on.…


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