An obviously offended resident put in a call to 911 at about 9:30 Friday night to complain about a butt-nekkid pedestrian who appeared to be masturbating.
Officers caught up with the alleged wanker, identified as Osmar Hernandez, in the 1500 block of Huey P. Long (tee-hee).
Police say Osmar was nekkid from the waist down and holding his shorts in his hand.
When asked if he would kindly re-clothe himself, Osmar reportedly ignored their commands. Instead, police say, he began singing and squeezin’ – his pud, that is.
Got my fingers crossed that the dash-cam video of this particular incident finds it’s way to national television.
Gretna Assistant Police Chief Anthony Christiana said officers did not recognize the tune.
Osmar eventually redressed and was promptly carted off to jail. Officers noted he had trouble keeping his balance and smelled of alcohol.
I wish the arresting officers had been able to pick up the tune… the curiosity is killing me.…
Denver, CO — A former Catholic priest was arrested Saturday after fellow passengers on a plane noticed him jacking off while watching porn on his laptop.
According to reports, 63-year-old Daniel Drinan was on Southwest Flight 1998 when he decided to take advantage of the plane’s free wifi and watch some porn on his laptop. Maybe a little inappropriate, depending on the passengers around him, but hey, free porn. It was Drinan’s decision to rub one out that got him into trouble.
Although he attempted to hide what he was doing with his laptop, a female passenger could see that Drinan was stroking on his exposed penis and alerted a female flight attendant when he would not stop. She, in turn, notified a male flight attendant who reportedly told Drinan to “put his pants back together.”
As if being cock-blocked from yourself wasn’t bad enough, Drinan was arrested after the plane landed at Denver International Airport and charged with lewd, indecent or obscene acts in public aboard an aircraft. According to the criminal complaint, Drinan apologized for his conduct and said he decided to flog his bishop because the lights were out and no one was next to him.…
Eugene, OR – Antone Owens, 21, was arrested Thursday, accused of breaking in to neighbors’ houses to access their computers and masturbate to Internet pornography. He has been booked on four counts of first degree burglary, one count of menacing, and one count of coercion
The pointy-headed gentleman to the left is, of course, the accused. At first, you might have an inclination to pity the poor guy, who obviously has no computer, nor access to the world’s largest, deepest, widest, wettest collection of free pornography in the known universe. Well, maybe not the wettest. In any case, that inclination would be unfounded, as Mr. Owens is a married man who owns a computer with Internet access in his own home.
In one instance, on March 20th, a woman came home to find her computer on and displaying pornography. Nearby, she noted a towel, lubricant, and a cell phone. As she picked up the cell phone, a man believed strongly to be Owens began threatening her and saying he would break the door. …
BRANDON, FL – Anthony Lee Humphries, 64, was arrested on several charges after purportedly giving neighborhood children a horrific show of him in the act of self-pleasure, and then giving chase when they fled.
According to reports, four children were playing together when they noticed a naked Humphries going to town on his junk in his home’s doorway. Authorities state that when the children spotted Humphries staring at them while committing acts generally considered private, they turned tail. However, Humphries saw fit to throw on a pair of undies and chase after them.
Humphries is said to have chased the children through the streets but lost them after they went inside a house to hide. The kids underestimated Humphries’ tenacity because when they emerged a short time later, Humphries was still in the vicinity and gave chase again.
Police were called to the scene and Humphries informed them that he never had any contact with the children. He was arrested and charged with four counts of lewd or lascivious exhibition in front of a minor and detained on a $7,500 bond.…
As is evident by the title, this isn’t Marshall’s first go-round with the police or a stuffed animal – this is his fourth time he’s been busted for buggerin’ a stuffed bear.
According to the fine folks over at The Smoking Gun, Marshall was first arrested in February of 2010, after witnesses reported seeing him going to town on a teddy bear in the men’s room of a public library. That charge prompted a judge to ban Marshall from all public libraries in Hamilton County.
He was slapped with similar charges in November of that year. The arresting officer in that particular case noted on the police report that Marshall’s public indecency with a teddy bear had been an “ongoing problem.”
He was arrested once more in August of 2011. Police accused him of masturbating with a teddy bear in a place where minors were likely present.…
OCALA, FL – An Alabama woman was arrested in Florida late Sunday night after treating passing motorists on a busy freeway to a solo, sexy-time show.
The 35-year-old exobitionist, Ashley Holton, is said to have been driving on highway 484 near Interstate 75 when she decided to pull over onto the shoulder and beat around the bush.
Wearing only a pink shirt, Ms. Holton began flickin’ the bean for over a half an hour, causing several drivers to execute illegal u-turns in order to turn around and watch.
When officers finally arrived on the scene almost an hour after receiving multiple 911 calls, Holton continued to expose herself and resisted arrest.
Investigators say that while police attempted to subdue the woman she bit and then kicked an officer. Holton denies this, describing her contact with the officer as a “love tap.”
Holton was booked in Marion County Jail and charged with battery on a law enforcement officer, disorderly conduct and exposure of sexual organs. Her bond has been set at $16,250.…
Radnor, Pa – A 19-year-old Pennsylvania man is getting a lesson in what is appropriate from authorities in Pennsylvania after allegedly posting photos of random girls – alongside his post-masturbatory penis – on their Facebook pages. He reportedly told police these actions were ‘no big deal.’ Police disagree.
Neil Geckle, 19, came to the attention of authorities after a gaggle of young females – all members of the Radnor High School network – arrived at police headquarters to complain. Radnor Police Superintendent William Colarulo said that when the girls – three juveniles and one 18-year-old – first came to the station to explain the situation, they were so “hysterical” that he ‘couldn’t understand them at first.’
“I didn’t understand what they were talking about until one of them pulled out a picture,” Colarulo said. “As soon as we saw that, we knew we were dealing with something serious.”
According to investigators, Geckle set up a fake Facebook account. It was reported that Geckle then printed pictures of the girls from Facebook, put the girls’ pictures on a desk in his grandma’s bedroom and – after masturbating to them and ejaculating on them – uploaded a picture of the result including the original photo and his penis to the girls’ pages.…
San Diego, California – 33-year-old Jason Russell, co-founder of Invisible Children, Inc. and owner of the face most-pictured in the 30-minute “Kony 2012” viral Internet meme, has been detained by police in San Diego for allegedly masturbating under the influence of something mind-altering, vandalizing cars, beating his fists on the sidewalk, and disrupting traffic, all while spewing incoherent nonsense from his surfer-boy-looking mouth.
Police arrived on this bizarre scene after they’d received several reports of a male individual in a Pacific Beach neighborhood who had removed his underwear and was “perhaps masturbating.” His underwear was back on before police arrived, incidentally. Mr. Russell was detained and taken to a mental health facility for evaluation. Russell’s camp is explaining the incident away by stating that he was “suffering from exhaustion, dehydration and malnutrition in the wake of the emotional toll of the media storm around Kony 2012.” As far as I can tell, no charges have been filed, except by those of us who are shaking our heads a bit.
Jason Russell, in case you didn’t know, co-founded the “Invisible Children” campaign (also known as IC) in 2004 to bring about the arrest of Jonathan Kony, leader of the Lord’s Resistance Army (LRA) which spent years terrorizing the Ugandan people. …
Issaquah, WA – King County prosecutors are making sure that Samuel K. McDonough, 31, thinks long and hard about the morning of February 2 when he reportedly trapped two terrified female employees inside a BigFoot Java coffee stand using a strategy of blown kisses, masturbation, and attempted forcible entry. He was – in the vernacular of the barista – “discourteous.”
Prosecutors say that at about 8:30 a.m., McDonough purchased a drink from two female employees at the drive-up coffee stand and then asked to use the restroom inside. The women reportedly refused. The women said that – after blowing kisses at them – McDonough began masturbating. Court documents then describe McDonough approaching the door and attempting to gain entry as the ‘terrified’ women hid inside. Not realizing that well-aimed steamed milk is like kryptonite to an exposed penis, the women instead decided to turn to the police for protection.
Issaquah police arrived soon after and arrested McDonough after he was identified by the victims. McDonough reportdly told police that he acted “inappropriately” and he “shouldn’t have done it” – but did not admit to masturbating outside the coffee stand.…
The incident, police say, was captured on surveillance video.
Guards grew suspicious when the man’s Cadillac was spotted on surveillance cameras at about 4:20 a.m. Because the Caddy had been seen on prior occasions, officers zoomed in on it to get a better idea of what was going on inside. It was then, they said, that they discovered the occupant of the vehicle, 47-year-old Terry Doxey, was putting on a one man show for his lady.
When confronted, Doxey denied the accusations. A search of his vehicle, though, provided police with “irrefutable evidence.” Umm, eww?
Police say Doxey’s 27-year-old girlfriend is currently serving a sentence for retail theft. She is scheduled for release in September.
Doxey was booked into jail on charges of aggravated indecent exposure, a misdemeanor. He was released Friday on a $10,000 personal bond.…
TITUSVILLE, FL — Police have arrested a registered sex offender for allegedly exposing himself to a couple of kids in the toy aisle of a Florida Walmart.
Police say that 28-year-old Robert Walyus was in a Titusville Walmart last Saturday when he approached two children in the toy aisle and asked if he could touch them while his dick was hanging out of his pants.
One of the victims ran off and told her mother what happened and that she “saw his thing.” The mom witnessed Walyus adjusting his pants when she turned around and looked at him. Waylus managed to get out of the store before authorities arrived, but after using images from surveillance video, Waylus was soon identified and arrested at his home.
He was charged with with lewd or lascivious exposure to a child under 16 years old and is currently being held on a $125,000 bond. He may be facing more charges as detectives were able to link him to a similar incident at Titusville Publix last October.…
According to police, last month Johnson went into the Exscape smoke shop at about 11AM, exposed himself and began masturbating. Police spokesman, Officer James Miller said Johnson then asked a female customer – who we will refer to as Bad Samaritan #1 – if she could “help him out.” Bad Samaritan #1, confronted with the exposed
johnson Johnson, declined.
According to Miller, earlier this month, Johnson entered a nearby flower shop and pulled the exact same stunt. In that incident, Bad Samaritan #2 also declined.
Johnson was charged with four counts of public lewdness, a Class B misdemeanor. Each charge carries a maximum penalty of three months in jail. Johnson was also charged with one count of grand larceny for allegedly stealing $2,600 worth of lottery tickets while he worked as a clerk at a gas station.
Police are concerned that Johnson may have been exposed elsewhere. …
Salem, OR – Marion County, Oregon Sheriff’s were recently pressed into action after 911 callers reported a naked man engage in roadside masturbation. Deputies searching the area found footprints and a cellphone. …but no masturbator. After more time – and more 911 calls – a K9 unit was dispatched to scene.
It was reported that Deputy Jeff Stutrud and his dog, Renzo, conducted a search of the hazelnut orchard where the perpetrator was last reportedly seen. Renzo located the the man ‘about 12 feet up a tree wearing only tennis shoes,’ sheriff’s spokesman Don Thomson said.
Due to the 30-degree weather, Stephen James Frolov, 28 – who also goes by the name Stephen James Ellingsworth – was first given a blanket. He was then given formal charges of three counts of public indecency. Bail was set at $15,000
Investigators said that Frolov told them that he had been out drinking with friends the night before and didn’t know how he got to Duck Inn Road. Frolov also said that he didn’t know where his clothes were.…
Schaumburg, IL — A couple of teachers are in the news today, starting with a math teacher at a Christian school who just got busted jacking off behind his desk in front of a classroom full of students.
Police say 75-year-old Paul LaDuke, a teacher at Schaumburg Christian School for over 10 years, was seated behind his podium when he lowered his pants and began masturbating. Another student noticed what he was doing and told another teacher. Since this is not a public school, LaDuke was fired that same day and police were contacted.
On Monday, after investigators interviewed several students, LaDuke was arrested and charged with sexual exploitation of a child. Police believe LaDuke has been doing this several times a year for a decade. Police also said there is no evidence that any students were inappropriately touched or physically harmed.
Maybe it’s because of all the weird shit we post, the only things about this story that surprised me was that LaDuke was capable of an erection and that he chose to lower his pants to take care of it.…
Kennet, Missouri — Police have arrested a man after witnesses say he drove up to Sonic Drive-in, got out of his car completely nekkid and began jacking-off in front of several people, including children.
Police were called but the derpy ham baster, later identified as 45-year-old Keith O. Smith, had already left the scene before they got there. He was found a little while later after his 2010 Ford Mustang was spotted by police.
Smith was charged with 1st degree sexual misconduct and two counts of 2nd degree sexual misconduct. He is currently in jail on a $12,000 cash-only bond.
I think I’ve been writing these stories too long as the only thing that surprised me in this one was that a Sonic Drive-in had customers. Their food is practically inedible.…
Cambridge, MA — Joseph P. Macdonald, 32, was arrested last week after his attempts to organize an impromptu block party were spurned by his unimaginative neighbors. …and we wonder why America lacks a “sense of community.”
The evening of October 3 began innocently enough when MacDonald reportedly came out of the isolation of his apartment to urinate on the front steps of the building. At his point, you might expect that his neighbors would inquire as to how the urinating was going or even join in – as that would be the polite thing. But, no. Completely out of the blue, some of his neighbors reportedly yelled at him to stop.
After a verbal exchange that we will simply describe as “unpleasant,” Macdonald reportedly returned to his apartment.
Not to be discouraged and clearly clinging to the notion that the concept of the neighborhood is not dead, Macdonald reportedly returned to the street. This time – while wearing only a T-shirt and peach-colored lace panties – police said Macdonald began masturbating in the middle of the street and calling out to the other residents to ‘come outside and join him.’ Ungrateful, neighbors called police.…
Adrian, MI — Nine months ago, the city manager of Hudson, Michigan, was charged with a misdemeanor after a female in another vehicle reported that he was fondling himself while driving in a city-owned vehicle. That man is 50-year-old Steven Hartsel.
According to an Adrian Police Department report filed at the time of the incident, the woman was in a City of Tecumseh truck that was on the roadway alongside a minivan driven by Hartsel. The witness, Sue Sellers, said in court testimony last week that she stopped for a red light on South Main Street at Beecher Street and happened to glance from her pickup into a van stopped in the lane on her right.
“I couldn’t believe what I saw. I looked over and I saw a man with his penis in his hand,” she testified. She glanced over at least five times, she said in court, going from feelings of shock to anger. Sue Sellers told the jury she had no doubt about what she saw.
“I could have been driving a bus full of kids,” added Sellers in court testimony.…
Sarasota County, FL — A Comcast cable installer was booked on exposure charges Tuesday night after a female customer accused him of jerkin’ his gherkin’ in her living room late last month when he was supposed to be hooking her sh*t up.
According to the 24-year-old victim, Shane Wheatley arrived at her home on July 31 to hook her up with cable and internet. At some point during the installation, Wheatley reportedly began touching himself through his shorts. The woman told police she looked away, but when she looked back, he was fully exposed. She said he then began masturbating while staring and smiling at her. Out the door she went.
Wheatley denied the accusations and requested a polygraph to clear his name. But based on the results of the investigation, the sheriff’s office believed they had probable cause to arrest Wheatley for the alleged fappage. He’s been charged with exposure of sexual organs.
Huh…I feel a little cheated. All I ever got was a free month of Starz.