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Cheesy pervMayfair, PA — Philadelphia police are searching for a chunky white dude in his 40s or 50s, who apparently approaches random women while driving around town with his pork sword hanging all out in the open — once he has their attention, police say, he whips out a slice of Swiss cheese and offers to pay the women to use the cheese to aid in the bludgeoning of his beefsteak. Ugh… this guy sounds like a real muenster.

“I understand that people may think this is funny, but this is no laughing matter,” said Milt Martelack, the town watch’s senior adviser. (Tee-Hee!!) “We’ve had a couple individuals reach out to us. We’re taking this matter very seriously, and we’re working vigorously with police to get this guy off the streets.”

The incident is being investigated by the Special Victims Unit after several women from the general area filed reports describing similar encounters with the alleged cheese perv.

Once the news hit the wires, 21-year-old Gabby Chest recalled a disturbing communication with a man who’d contacted her on OkCupid back in 2012.…

Ronald SavoyLakewood, NJ — A 42-year-old man was arrested for allegedly disrobing inside of a deli and masturbating in front of an employee and her 8-year-old son.

According to the alleged victim, Ronald Lavoy entered the deli Saturday evening and waited for the place to empty. When the last customer walked out the door, Lavoy apparently removed his clothing and started strokin‘. Obviously unimpressed, the woman called police. When Lavoy realized what she was doing, he put his clothes on and walked out.

Police soon had their man — he was found at a bus stop a few blocks away. He was charged with two counts of lewdness, tender years sexual assault (that’s a new one) and endangering the welfare of a child. He is being held on $100,000 bail.

Turns out he had been in the deli the previous evening, doing the same damn thing. The victim in that case, though, simply yelled at him to GTFO…. so he did.

Poor, dejected sumbitch… no one wants to look at his willy.…

Seth ThompsonBoca Raton, FL — A former employee of Florida Atlantic University is facing charges after police say he secretly filmed students pissing and masturbating in the men’s restroom on the campus, then uploaded those video files to several pornographic websites.

Seth Thompson, a.k.a. Jerking_Bud, apparently filmed the unsuspecting men doing whatever it is that men do in a public restroom (Masturbating? Really?), then uploaded the videos to sites like PornHub, XTube, yuvutv, and Tumblr.

Police were tipped off to these skeevy shenanigans by one of the stars of his video clips — some student apparently stumbled across a video of himself pissing on PornHub. That same student recalled another male in the restroom at the time “casting suspicious glances” his way and carrying a large backpack.

Police reportedly found dozens of similar videos, with eye-catching titles like “A college kid and his dad taking a leak at a public bathroom,” “My buddy jerking off in the stall next to me,” and “My collection of hidden videos of guys taking a leak and jerking off,” posted on the aforementioned websites… all uploaded under the Jerking_Bud moniker. …

Eugenio FreitasStaffordshire — A 49-year-old grandfather has been banned from every grocery store in the entire UK after he was caught whippin’ up a load of baby batter in the meat aisle of a Sainsbury’s supermarket.

Eugenio Freitas told the court Monday he truly and fully intended to go shopping back in early July, but became overwhelmed by his ‘excessive sexual drive’. I’m tellin’ ya, a good looking prime rib gets my drive all kinds of worked up.

Prosecutor Marcus Harry informed the court that at least one store employee was willing to give Freitas the benefit of the doubt when she first witnessed him playing pocket pool — she assumed he was merely adjusting himself. Before too long, though, a customer complained about Freitas’ “adjustment” tactics.

The staff member was called to the CCTV area, where she and the security guard were given their own little show….

“He was seen for about ten minutes with his hands down his trousers and in his pocket with his hands moving around,” said Marcus Harry.…

William OganSPOKANE, Washington – Motorists in Spokane started calling police on Sunday after getting an eyeful of a pious pedestrian. Witnesses told officers that William “Billy” Ogan, 31, was masturbating on the side of the road and displaying his penis to women.

Ogan confirmed this, telling police he was celebrating his “new marriage” to God, “working for Jehovah,” and “spreading God’s word.” God reportedly wanted Ogan to show his penis to women in order to teach them about sex. At press time, God had not responded to calls seeking his side of the story, and, of course, he cannot be forced to testify against Ogan thanks to spousal privilege.

Ogan was supposed to appear in court for three counts of indecent exposure on Tuesday, but “he refused to participate in the court process,” so he had to go on Wednesday instead. When Billy showed up, he did so without a lawyer and told the judge he didn’t feel anyone else in Spokane County could defend him.

“The legal system here in this facility, they don’t do the job, so I feel better representing myself,” Ogan said while surrounded by three deputies.…

Melchisedech Anivain IsophGREENACRES, FL — Police have arrested a man after a poor woman said she watched him masturbating outside her window on three separate occasions on the same day.

According to the police report, Angie Roberts had just returned home from a bike ride when she was approached by 19-year-old Melchisedech Isoph who told her she had “a nice ass” and asked if she had a boyfriend. Roberts ignored him and went inside her home.

When she looked out her window, she “saw him standing behind the bushes next to her house jacking off. Roberts said Isoph rode away on his bike before returning and going back behind the bushes where he started jacking off again.

Once again, Isoph rode away on his bike but returned and asked Roberts for some water. She went back inside, but said when she looked out, “he was jacking off again for the third time.”

“It’s like he didn’t care,” Roberts said. “I started thinking, my window’s open, is he going to break into my house?…

Jason Lee VickerySt. Augustine, FL — A 23-year-old man is facing charges after police say he entered a couple’s home, masturbated, played with their toy helicopter and then ate a salad he had brought along with him.

Jason Vickery apparently passed by the home sometime last Wednesday evening and noticed one of the doors was unlocked. Instead of entering the home immediately, Vickery reportedly went to his own home and grabbed a bag containing a wig, a pouch of chewing tobacco, a green towel and a salad.

Vickery then returned to the unoccupied home, police say, and entered through the unlocked door.

Vickery reportedly told police that upon entering the home, he headed to an upstairs bathroom to masturbate. Cause, you know, priorities and stuff.

Once his worm was burped, Vickery wandered into the kitchen. (No word on whether he had washed his hands first). On the kitchen counter he found a remote control helicopter, minus the batteries.

“After searching for and finding batteries for the toy, he played with it, flying it for a short time, thus depriving the owner of the item,” police said.…

Willie MerriweatherAiken, SC — A 53-year-old man previously accused of masturbating at public computer is now facing additional charges of indecent exposure because he apparently can’t keep his dick in his drawers.

Willie (tee-hee) Merriweather was taken into custody early last week after police say he whipped his peener out while being interviewed at a staffing agency.

According to police, the victim told police Willie entered the office Monday and sat down for an interview. The woman said she collected information from Willie, such as his name, previous employer and Social Security number.

The woman went on to tell police that as she was collecting this information, she glanced over at Willie and realized he had his dick out of his pants and in his hand.

It fell out,” Willie reportedly explained.

The woman didn’t buy that excuse and ordered him out of the building before calling police.

At some point after that, Willie apparently showed up at Public Safety headquarters for an interview, and officers realized he had a warrant out for indecent exposure.…

Naked Drunk Serenades Cops, Masturbates

January 30, 2013 at 4:36 am by  

Osmar HernandezGretna, LA — A 33-year-old New Orleans man is facing charges of obscenity and public intoxication after allegedly serenading police officers, while nude, and masturbating in their presence.

An obviously offended resident put in a call to 911 at about 9:30 Friday night to complain about a butt-nekkid pedestrian who appeared to be masturbating.

Officers caught up with the alleged wanker, identified as Osmar Hernandez,  in the 1500 block of Huey P. Long (tee-hee).

Police say Osmar was nekkid from the waist down and holding his shorts in his hand.

When asked if he would kindly re-clothe himself, Osmar reportedly ignored their commands. Instead, police say, he began singing and squeezin’ – his pud, that is.

Got my fingers crossed that the dash-cam video of this particular incident finds it’s way to national television.

Gretna Assistant Police Chief Anthony Christiana said officers did not recognize the tune.

Osmar eventually redressed and was promptly carted off to jail. Officers noted he had trouble keeping his balance and smelled of alcohol.

I wish the arresting officers had been able to pick up the tune… the curiosity is killing me.…

Denver, CO — A former Catholic priest was arrested Saturday after fellow passengers on a plane noticed him jacking off while watching porn on his laptop.

According to reports, 63-year-old Daniel Drinan was on Southwest Flight 1998 when he decided to take advantage of the plane’s free wifi and watch some porn on his laptop. Maybe a little inappropriate, depending on the passengers around him, but hey, free porn. It was Drinan’s decision to rub one out that got him into trouble.

Although he attempted to hide what he was doing with his laptop, a  female passenger could see that Drinan was stroking on his exposed penis and alerted a female flight attendant when he would not stop. She, in turn, notified a male flight attendant who reportedly told Drinan to “put his pants back together.”

As if being cock-blocked from yourself wasn’t bad enough, Drinan was arrested after the plane landed at Denver International Airport and charged with  lewd, indecent or obscene acts in public aboard an aircraft. According to the criminal complaint, Drinan apologized for his conduct and said he decided to flog his bishop because the lights were out and no one was next to him.…

Eugene, OR – Antone Owens, 21, was arrested Thursday, accused of breaking in to neighbors’ houses to access their computers and masturbate to Internet pornography.  He has been booked on four counts of first degree burglary, one count of menacing, and one count of coercion

The pointy-headed gentleman to the left is, of course, the accused.  At first, you might have an inclination to pity the poor guy, who obviously has no computer, nor access to the world’s largest, deepest, widest, wettest collection of free pornography in the known universe.  Well, maybe not the wettest.  In any case, that inclination would be unfounded, as Mr. Owens is a married man who owns a computer with Internet access in his own home.

In one instance, on March 20th, a woman came home to find her computer on and displaying pornography.  Nearby, she noted a towel, lubricant, and a cell phone.  As she picked up the cell phone, a man believed strongly to be Owens began threatening her and saying he would break the door. …

BRANDON, FL – Anthony Lee Humphries, 64, was arrested on several charges after purportedly giving neighborhood children a horrific show of him in the act of self-pleasure, and then giving chase when they fled.

According to reports, four children were playing together when they noticed a naked Humphries going to town on his junk in his home’s doorway. Authorities state that when the children spotted Humphries staring at them while committing acts generally considered private, they turned tail.  However, Humphries saw fit to throw on a pair of undies and chase after them.

Humphries is said to have chased the children through the streets but lost them after they went inside a house to hide. The kids underestimated Humphries’ tenacity because when they emerged a short time later, Humphries was still in the vicinity and gave chase again.

Police were called to the scene and Humphries informed them that he never had any contact with the children. He was arrested and charged with four counts of lewd or lascivious exhibition in front of a minor and detained on a $7,500 bond.…


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