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Gregory Matthew BruniNORTH FORT MYERS, FL - I have no idea what kind of drugs 21-year-old Gregory Matthew Bruni was on the other day, but I want to know so I can make sure I get some.

On Monday, a Florida man went to investigate noises he heard on his roof and discovered a naked Bruni running around on top of his house. Bruni jumped from the roof, partially landing on the man, and then ran inside the man’s home.

According to the reports, Bruni grabbed a 72-inch television off a wall and smashed it on the ground before emptying the contents of a wet-dry vac. As Bruni was eating the contents of the vacuum off the floor, the homeowner’s wife retrieved a .38 revolver and fired three shots at Bruni, missing him.

Undeterred by the gunfire, Bruni fell to the ground and masturbated before running into another room and began rubbing his face into any articles of clothing he found. The homeowner retrieved a shotgun and aimed it Bruni, instructing him to lay down.…

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Santa Ana, CA — Some of you may remember Michael Lallana, we featured him back in August after he was accused of ejaculating into a co-worker’s water bottle. There was no doubt of the man’s guilt, DNA tests confirmed the spunk belonged to him, but many of us were left asking, “Why?”

Well, Lallana’s case has finally made it to trial. Jurors yesterday heard Lallana’s taped confession, in which he explained why he felt compelled to pollute that poor woman’s water on two separate occasions.

In an interview with Orange Police Department detectives last year, Lallana admitted that he did it because the woman was attractive and because her lips had touched the bottle in question. “It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone,” he said. “I saw her water bottle and I did it. For me, it’s a release. I think about my wife.” Lucky lady, huh?

He told police he never thought she would actually drink it.…

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SANTA ANA – A man was arrested Tuesday and charged with ejaculating inside a female co-worker’s water bottle on two different occasions. The first time happened in January where prosecutors allege 31-year-old Michael Lallana went into the woman’s office, and shot a load inside a water bottle on her desk. The woman later drank from the water in the bottle and became “sick and irritated”. Then in April, Lallana pulled the same stunt, jacking off inside the same woman’s water bottle, and again the woman drank the water and became ill. This time the woman saved the bottle and sent it to a lab to be tested where baby sauce was detected. DNA tests would eventually match Lallana to his boys leading to misdemeanor counts of releasing an offensive material in a public place and assault. They wanted to charge him with something more serious, but that was the only laws on the books they could find that he had broken. Because of the DNA proof, the man’s guilt – at least the second time – isn’t in question, but I am suspect over the woman’s claims of getting sick after drinking sperm.…

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Goleta, California –  Glenn Merrill, 59, needed a little help around his house, or so he said. He put an ad on Craigslist wanting to hire a caregiver who could help with household duties several times a week.  The ad never mentioned he was looking for a little more than just dusting and cleaning. When a woman showed up to interview, Merrill invited her inside his home.  While informing her that one of her duties would be helping him take a shower, he took off his clothes and began to masturbate.

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