Man Arrested For Masturbating In Victoria’s Secret

Virginia Beach – More masturbating hijinks this Thursday! Darrin Smith was representing Charlotte, NC while at a Virginia Beach Mall the other night. Police say that while inside a Victoria’s Secret, shoppers witnessed Smith exposing himself and performing a sex act behind a customer. Customers and employees joined forces and followed Smith around the mall until police arrived on the scene. Smith is now sitting in jail without bond on charges of indecent exposure and sexual battery. Smith should’ve done what I do when I visit Victoria’s Secret. I stay outside of the store and simply press myself up against it and start licking the window like a very tasty ice cream cone while staring at one of the sexy mannequins or posters they have hanging up. If I’m feeling really randy, I’ll press my tongue flat on the window and try to spell out obscene words with my saliva. The ladies love that one.

Robert Hawkins Kills 8 At Omaha Mall; Was An Asshole

Omaha, Nebraska – Robert Hawkins killed eight people and wounded five others Wednesday at the popular Westroads Mall in Omaha, Nebraska, before committing suicide. The shooting took place mostly inside the Von Maur store. His mother found a suicide note in which he stated he wanted to go out in style. I guess his definition of style and my definition are a bit off. Going out in a blaze of glory by having a shootout with the local gang-bangers, ok. Picking a fight with the local Hell’s AngelsHell’s Angels reviews chapter? I can go with that. But to walk into a mall during Christmas shopping and shooting innocent, unarmed people? Absolutely. Positively. Pathetic.

Greenspoint Mall Shooting; 2 Dead

HOUSTON — In what police are describing as a murder-suicide, a man confronted his girlfriend as she was raisig the security gate at the Body Luxuries store she worked at in the Greenspoint mall of Houston, Tx. He got her to the back of the store where he shot her in the head. He then went behind the counter and shot himself. The identities of the shooter and the victim has not been released. Customers were evacuated while businesses closed their gates and were placed on lockdown.