Louisville, CO - A woman was grocery shopping at the Safeway on South Boulder Road with her infant last month, when she approached the meat counter. The helpful young chap behind the counter asked her, “Are you finding everything all right?” Out of the corner of her eye, from behind a glass door, she noticed an odd motion. What’s this? The helpful young man behind the meat counter had a wiener in his hand. Not one of those wieners made from pig snouts and chicken butt, mind you, but a wiener of the veined variety. Why, the studly lad was stroganoff while speaking to her! No. Way. The flustered woman looked away momentarily and the chap slid his beaten beef back into it’s package. She glanced over at the meat counter one more time, and dammit, there he was fappin’ his foie gras. Fed up with butcher boy’s public and extremely skeevy display of affection, the woman stormed off in search of a store manager. When confronted by police, Nicholas Lorenzo (aka Mr. Meaty) admitted to “having his penis out of his pants.” Lorenzo, 25, appeared in court on February 1st and pleaded not guilty to one charge of indecent exposure and is scheduled for a pre-trial conference in MarchMarch reviews. [Read more...]

Louisville, KY – We’ve all done it – you get a drink or two past tipsy and do something to make a total ass of yourself, guaranteeing that you will be the butt of many future jokes. You know what I’m talking about, you get all obliterated on Mad Dog, get nekkid and cover yourself in peanut butter and raisins, arm yourself with a machete and an ice cream scoop and run through the neighborhood screaming “Where’s the beef?” just one friggin’ time and people just can’t seem to let it go. We’ve all done it at least once, right? Right? And speaking of drunken antics, please allow me to introduce old stink-face, William Cope Jr. After imbibing on who knows what for who knows how long, Cope found himself at a Kroger store. After urinating in one of the aisles, Cope found his way to the meat department where he opened up a few boxes of licorice candy, some cornbread stuffing, and several packages of steaks. When an officer approached and asked him what the hell he was doing, Cope, a slab of raw meat in each hand, answered, “Checking the texture of meat.” (After looking at that stink face mug, I can literally hear this guy in my head and it sounds more like this: ”Chicking zee texture of zee mit, you foo!”) Cope, who is also a registered sex offender, was arrested and charged with public intoxication. He agreed to pay for the items he contaminated to avoid a shoplifting charge. I’ve decided to quit gettin’ my drank on – I just know that Morbid is waiting for the day I slip up and land my own drunk ass on his front page. [Read more...]

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky - Police went to the home of 88-year-old Sina Harris to perform a welfare check. They were greeted by her son, 52-year-old Julius Harris – who had a gun to his head. This led to a 9 hour stand-off ending with Harris finally surrendering to police. Once in the home, they located Sina Harris. Or rather her corpse. Harris had been living with it ever since she died in her bed over 6-months ago. An autopsy report states she probably died from natural causes, but her son decided not to report her passing away to anyone so he could continue to live off her. “He continued to write checks and cash checks she was receiving from different agencies and companies,” said Louisville Metro Police Department Lt. Barry Wilkerson. Julius Harris now faces two felony charges, one for abusing a corpse and another for theft by deception. No he is looking at another 10 years of free room and board, but this time on Kentuckian’s dime. While I cannot imagine living with a corpse, I sure know what it is like having sex with one. I was married to her for 3 years! Ba-dum Tsssh! [Read more...]

Louisville, KY - Jesus Christ must be a real jerk. I mean, what kind of friend comes over to your house, befouls your environment with second-hand crack smoke, and then just disappears – leaving the crack paraphernalia behind? I gotta admit, I have relatives that would pull that kind of shit, but I never thought JC would stoop that low. I mean, that’s just rude! Poor old Craig Dunn is now taking the rap because of Jesus and his crack pipe. Dunn, a registered sex offender on home incarceration, must have been beside himself when the police showed up to do a home check and discovered a makeshift aluminum foil crack pipe and a burnt spoon. Dunn tried to explain to the boys in blue that the shit wasn’t his, it belonged to Jesus and Jesus was just trying to set him up. I bet you the big guy is up in the sky right about now just laughing it up – his little plan worked! Thanks to Jesus, Craig Dunn, 52, is now back behind bars charged with possession of drug paraphernalia. Betcha he won’t be smoking crack with Jesus again anytime soon. [Read more...]

Louisville, KY – Don’t you just hate it when, out of the kindness of your heart, you get all hospitable and friendly and open your home to a down-on-his-luck kind of friend, only to end up getting royally screwed? You allow the guy to live under your roof, eat your food, use your toilet, and watch your tv and the fucker ends up raping your girlfriend while your at work. How’s that for gratitude? Such is the case with one of Gary Elmore’s kindhearted friends. Worried that Gary, who is reportedly homeless, would get harassed by the police for wandering around town, this friend invited Gary into his home Monday evening. Come Tuesday morning, when the unnamed friend left for work, Gary allegedly slipped into his bed and started doing the nasty with the girlfriend. The sleeping girlfriend, perhaps thinking her man wanted some morning glory, assumed it was her boyfriend pokin’ on her. It might have went something like this – Mmmm, oh yeah. Whoa! Wait a minute! What the… How the… Who the… You asshole! Get outta there! When she realized it wasn’t her beloved, she put up a fight and chased the ungrateful homeless bastid outta the house with her cane and called 911. He was picked up a few blocks away from the home a short time later. During questioning, he admitted to being a sneaky, skeevy, rapist. Gary Elmore, 39, has been charged with first-degree rape and bond was set at $25,000 cash. Yep – being an anti-social hermit suits me just fine. [Read more...]

Louisville, KY- Reeking of alcohol with slurred speech, the trollish looking Cecil Bryant now faces several charges including first-degree assault, disorderly conduct, menacing and public intoxication. Police responded to a report last SaturdaySaturday reviews morning of a woman who was beaten and bloody. Police found 53-year old Elsie Rollins with a bleeding head wound and she told the officers that Bryant, 75, had attacked her with a bedpost. Bryant, who’s eyes were as unsteady as his feet, was hollering at the neighbors and even pushed a bystander. When the officers told Bryant to sit his crazy ass down, he began screaming at them. Once inside the apartment, police noticed blood-spattered walls and found the bloody bedpost. Silly me. Here all this time I thought troll dolls brought you good luck.

Louisville, KY – Edward Dewey, 46, likes to kick back and get a little high.  He likes to sexually assault toddlers on camera, too.  And he also likes to watch his homemade kiddie porn in the apartment he shares with his mother.   So when police showed up at the apartment to serve a drug search warrant on Tuesday, they caught Dewey in the act of viewing a whole different kind of children’s programming. Go figure, huh? [Read more...]